Why is Ima mother biased towards DILs over MILS ????

amother

Brickred

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 9:02 am

I hope all of you who's mothers and mothers in law WANT you to come, appreciate the fact that you are wanted.

amother

Chambray

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 9:04 am

And sometimes the dil was super devoted and helpful and caring and never sat on her butt and always was respectful until she heard through the grapevine that her mil is always complaining about her and badmouthing her and taking her for granted. And now she does the absolute bare minimum, takes as many breaks as she needs, spends as little time socializing with the in-laws as possible.
And then the mil is bemoaning the new phenomenon of dil's hating on mil's before even getting to know them.

Totally speculative and not at all based on my personal experience. /s

amother

Opal

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 9:21 am

I’m a dil in my low thirties and I agree with OP. My mil is not the easiest person but I’m hosting her for yt as she’s been unwell recently. I’m hosting another family as well. Did all the cooking myself. It’s a TON of work. To be honest, I can’t wait for this YT to be over. But my mil would do the same for me if the tables were turned. So I do what I have to do.

amother

Lightgray

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 9:28 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

Sorry, this is very one sided. I think this is a perspective that has blinders on to their own little world. MILs also have very much on their plate, high likely they have even more on their plate that the DILS can even fathom. They can be juggling teens, younger kids, married kids, parents, financial burdens, work, shidduchim, large household needs, all on top of the pesach workload. They're also not as young and fit as the 20 year olds, and its possible they have medical conditions to boot. For many, this middle age stage is more difficult than being a young mom with babies.

EVERYONE needs to understand and recognize that everyone else can have a lot on their plate as well. DILS too. Running with the assumption that the stage you're in has got to be the most difficult one, is a self-centered view.

This is the post to be read after each complaint!! 👍

amother

Teal

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 9:42 am

Azure, you are on target. I have 3 little kids and I'm in early pregnancy, I'm making my own pesach next year. This is beyond stressful and draining. We'll come for Sukkos and Shabbos Chanukah but the late night sedarim, the lack of normal food etc is just too much for me. I can handle my family squashed into a bedroom together if at least there's consistent food available but the stress of finding things to feed my kids when I don't run the kitchen is too much.
I love my parents but I can't do this to myself anymore, I dread Pesach because of this.

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 9:56 am

I find it exhausting to go away for yom tov even without preparing food. We squish into one room with the kids , no one sleeps well, my kids are light sleepers and as soon as I get them to bed someone wakes them up , we all end up exhausted and cranky even before you get into late off schedule meals . The house isn't child proof and I need to watch the. Like a halk, etc.
And honestly my parents and in-laws were more upset at us for not coming than when we come .

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 10:52 am

I chose to stay home this year!!!

Yay! Freedom!!

Going to my in-laws takes a huge toll on my marriage.

At home all is quiet and peaceful BH

It’s really not so much work to make Pesach. Don’t spring clean - only did what was absolutely necessary for Halacha. Cooked basic yummy food...no patchka. DH helped a lot.

Everyone , grow up and stay home ! ( Your parents and in laws don’t really want you anyways ..it’s all too much for them..stop pushing yourself onto them )

amother

Cinnamon

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 10:57 am

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Agree a billion times.

amother

Thistle

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 11:08 am

amother [ Yolk ] wrote:

Yup this! My mother waited her whole life for the nachas of having her children and grandchildren for pesach. It’s of course difficult but the number one reason why I can’t just stay home is for my mother. Now she also makes it a pleasure to be here. Sure we help clean, set, wash dishes, watch our kids and nieces and nephews etc. yes the sleeping arrangements are cramped. Yes sometimes I’d love the space of my big beautiful home, but being with family is an opportunity I wouldn’t pass up.
Ftr, no we do NOT expect the newlyweds to help, and yes they WILL help next year, because they’re not spoiled brats, they are just newlyweds dealing with all that comes into a new marriage and pregnancy. Also, no, we do not expect the single sister to watch our kids, even tho she goes out of her way to help and watch them with a smile on her face. And we do not expect my mother to cater to us, even though she does it as well, with a smile on her face.
And guess what?? Many many years of HARD HARD work and investment on our relationships with each other have come together to create the beautiful yomim tovim that we now share
Just posting this so that it’s out there. Some of us work hard without resenting others. Some mothers and mils take their greatest pleasure from hosting. And some daughters and dils deal with a few hardships to achieve the greater goal of a beautiful pesach with family

You said in the first line. It’s your mother. It’s different when it’s a mother in law. You can’t really express yourself or your feelings.

amother

DarkViolet

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 11:24 am

I didn't read this thread at all, only the title, but I believe it's because imamother now has a younger base. I was very angry at my mother-in-law after I got married, and now 20 years later I can see she did nothing wrong. Imamother young posters take the side of the daughter over the mother as well. I spoke to a top therapist, and obviously I have permission to care, I am in her inner circle. Imamother however does not grant this permission that a top therapist can. 10 years ago, imamother did not have mostly a one-sided view. It is age and generation related.

pause

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 11:35 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

True but also the mils are working bone hard to prep for Yom Tov. & it’s very hard to to have that understanding & patience when the whole burden of Yom Tov is falling on them.
I made Yom Tov so not going to in-laws anymore. Or parents. So I know how hard it is.

Ummm? Where are your own kids and DH??? Why does the new DIL need to be the one to help ease the whole burden of YT from you?

I'm not saying DIL shouldn't help. I'm saying that you should lower your expectations.

amother

Seablue

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 1:15 pm

imaima wrote:

The obvious answer is that rhe DILs are on the phone replying and MILs are busy with cleaning and cooking and grandkids

This was my first reaction!

ValleyMom

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 1:18 pm

There are far more Daughter In Laws on Imamother than MOTHER IN LAWS...
Apparently DILs have more spare time?!
;-)

amother

Bluebell

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 1:44 pm

imaima wrote:

The obvious answer is that rhe DILs are on the phone replying and MILs are busy with cleaning and cooking and grandkids

I’m cooking. My mother in law is in another country. I’m doing what I can. And absolutely it is easier to be home than deal with jetlag and kids messing up her house and my kids fighting with cousins. They can trash my house and I’ll do what I can, when I can (without feeling obligated to preserve someone else’s living space). Also I adore my MIL and I love spending time with her. But going away for yom tov is haaaaard. Which is why we don’t do it.

amother

NeonPink

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 1:45 pm

Pesach is a lot of work and when I was a young mother I didn’t really understand how much work went into hosting me. Now that I’m in my late 40s I get it and wish I had been more helpful.

My kids are teens and young adults and they eat a lot. We don’t use most ingredients so cooking supper each night of chol hamoed has taken me 2 hours. Kitchen is small so I do most of the cooking myself. Cleanup takes a while because no dishwasher for Pesach. Dh has to work chol hamoed so it’s up to me to take the teens on outings during the day. (I work full time but take off for Pesach.) Those trips are fun but tiring. I’m just very tired. The work of cleaning and turning over left me exhausted before YT, then there’s a ton of work cooking for YT, then chol hamoed is a ton of work. And unlike when my kids were little, my kids don’t go to bed early, and they need support with heavier emotional stuff…like one kid who struggles with yiddishkeit and one kid who’s in shidduchim. So I’m up late with them.

Pesach is beautiful AND it’s more work than most young marrieds realize.

amother

Bluebell

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 1:46 pm

ValleyMom wrote:

There are far more Daughter In Laws on Imamother than MOTHER IN LAWS...
Apparently DILs have more spare time?!
;-)

Cool. I’m the one doing the cooking. I’m taking a 10 minute break. And I’m old enough to have a kid in the parsha, so I’m not 25. I have a large family, and everything is on me. But I can still breathe.

DustyDiamonds

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 2:17 pm

I’m old enough to be a MIL, although am not yet.

I WISH Imamother had existed back in the late 90’s when I got married, so I could understand that the way I was treated was not normal.

I was raised to always respect and obey my elders. And I did.

And here’s what my MIL did:

Give me used linens with hairs and crumbs. Be insulted if I brought my own or tried to arrange (on my own with DH) to sleep at a neighbor.

She doesn’t eat breakfast on Shabbos or YT so she assumes that nobody else does. There is zero food to eat until lunch, other than whole vegetables in the fridge, (she doesn’t like or buy fruit) or I could take chicken and liver from lunch at 7:30am for me and the kids. (I would not be able to stomach that) I remember being there with a SIL who was feeding her toddler chicken for breakfast. I could not. Physically could not.

She keeps extra tissues and toilet paper in a hidden spot in the basement and gets insulted when asked for more than the 1/4 of a box that she leaves in the bathroom. Yes, after a year or two, I learned to ask DH to find that spot and gather extras, and also bring my own. After having suffered diarrhea many times with 0-5 tissues in the bathroom.

Apparently her mother only served chicken and meat and potatoes and soup and beets all Pesach, so this is what she thinks is right and holy. She also makes one pesach cake and serves thumbnail portions and then hides the rest of the cake.

When I tried to serve my kids dinner at 5/6 but the next meal would be later, she was visibly agitated that I was messing up her kitchen and kept silently putting away things as I was in the midst of serving my little ones. She forgot that kids can’t wait until an 8pm shalosh seudos or Shulchan Aruch past midnight.

Even on Shabbos, and I’ve been thinking pesach here, I was starved. And she’d be terribly insulted if I brought my own food. And I couldn’t feed my 1-4 year olds in secret, in my bedroom, the way I could deal with things for myself. If your hungry in that house on Shabbos morning or afternoons, there’s chicken and liver and beets or cole slaw in the fridge, and packages of flour and rice and beans in the pantry. I once found ice cream cones there and gave it to my kids as a Shabbos afternoon snack. She doesn’t believe in snacks.

When it wasn’t Pesach, there’s plain Cheerios to give the kids for breakfast, but she doesn’t believe in disposables. So I’d either have some milichig bowls and spoons in her milchig sink, which got her angry, or drying on the counter, which also got her angry. Yes, I should’ve dried the dishes and put them away, but I often couldn’t get to it because I was caring for a baby and toddlers and preschoolers and trying not to let them eat the dirt of her many potted plants or open more than one toy at a time, lest she get angry.

Also she’s so proud that she kept all of her kids toys from the 70’s for the grandchildren, yet gets snippy and angry when the kids mess up the toys. And yes, I’ll clean them later!

So I wish, as a DIL that I could’ve been validated here on Imamother and realized that this was behavior I shouldn’t have had to grin and bear.

IYH when I’m a MIL, I plan to ask both my child and my child-in-law, a couple of days before they’re due to arrive: I’m so excited that you’re coming! What can I buy or prepare to make you comfortable? Which goods would you like at the meals and which snacks or other foods would you want to have around? What can I do to make your accommodations and experience most comfortable and relaxing?

ETA. She’s a good person. Just raised by survivors and very frugal and short tempered and sensitive and completely forgot what it’s like to have little kids.

amother

RosePink

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 3:19 pm

I didn't read the thread, but I think it's a simple answer: while a large chunk of Imamother are not mothers-in-law (because this site skews young), almost all of us are or have been daughters-in-law. That means it's easier to empathize with the DIL than the MIL, many of us having been in those shoes.

amother

Yolk

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 3:54 pm

amother [ Thistle ] wrote:

You said in the first line. It’s your mother. It’s different when it’s a mother in law. You can’t really express yourself or your feelings.

That’s true. Unfortunately my sweet incredible mother in law who I love to pieces has terrible dementia plus other illnesses (don’t want to out myself)
But in the days before her illness (or before they took such a severe toll on her) she had so much nachas from having us over, and we enjoyed every minute of being together.
Also, while my mother may be MY mother, she’s also the mother in law to my sister in laws, and she acts the same to them, except she puts a little more effort into making sure that they are happy and comfortable. And she never asks for help from daughters in law

amother

Thu, Apr 21 2022, 3:55 pm

amother [ NeonPink ] wrote:

This is EXACTLY me.
& I’m so so very tired.
I don’t understand how someone early on in chat said it’s no big deal to host pesach cz she does it every week