My 3 year old threw a milkshake at me today

amother

Wed, May 18 2022, 9:52 pm

As the title says. Why you ask? Because I told him I'd clean his nails after I was done with his brother. He wanted to go first. He didn't say that he wanted to go first. Didn't try to catch my attention. Just milkshake at mommy. This is after he pulled down his underwear to show me his privates yesterday after I told him he can't throw his toys around. After Shabbat, when he threw an inch sized rock at me. Telling me since last week he wants a new mommy because I tell him to clean up his messes. I'm starting to think he has ODD. His father was a trouble maker as a kid too, which sometimes resulted in violence and hurting other kids. Mind you that I only found out about it after we got married. I know my husband's parents' approach was to hit. I don't believe in hitting because for one, he still made problems, and two I was hit as a child every time I cried so I cope with my feelings by swallowing them. Anyway, what can I do? Before dc was 2 I gave in a lot, thinking he doesn't understand what he's doing, so no point in giving timeouts. I think that it affected him negatively. In my last pregnancy I was also debilitated so that might have made things worse. Also, now there's some allergies. But I don't think the allergies cause his behaviors because his father, according to the grandparents, was just like that as a kid. I don't know how to handle it. I'm afraid he'll be a bad father or husband one day. My husband is improving but he wasn't always easy. He also does good things but I digress. I have little faith in gentle parenting because I don't actually know an example of a family where that works. As far as the milkshake, I told him there's no milkshakes for him in a while.

mushkamothers

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:00 pm

You start off describing behavior that is not developmentally appropriate and say you're worried it's ODD but then you continue and admit you've basically never taught him any discipline or consequences and that you have little faith in gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is not permissiveness which is what it sounds like you've been doing. Gentle parenting includes firm limits and boundaries but without the yelling, hitting etc. So does your child have inborn hereditary genes for which to blame dh or does he just need some effective parenting... re the milkshake he should have cleaned it up as well.

HarrietW

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:01 pm

Explain to him what he is doing wrong, and what behaviors are expected. Clearly outline the consequences he will receive if he will misbehave.

Create consequences that you can easily follow through. Following through is the most important factor, and it applies to rewards as well. rather let a punishment be more mild, but ALWAYS stick to your word.

If you will do this he will learn that he will be held accountable for his actions.

Also, as a side note, you don’t have to yell at him for misbehaving. Just say “as I already told you this behavior is blank and therefore you will not get dessert”.

#BestBubby

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:07 pm

GrowingUp wrote:

Is he your oldest?

Cuz most of this sounds like typical three year old boy behavior.

Whatever terrible behavior a child does, there will be a bunch of Imas saying
"Don't worry - it's normal."

That is why we have so many abusive grown men these days (abusive women too).

I guess abusive is the new normal.

amother

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:15 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

I said I didn't discipline him before age 2, meaning once he turned 2 I did.
As far as the milkshake, there wasn't much in the cup so very little to clean up. I should have mentioned that but I didn't. Also I don't have those problems with my other children.

wifenmother

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:17 pm

OP, when kids act difficult we often get into a pattern of focusing on and reinforcing the negative. I don't have a solution for you, but I know that when my dc was acting up, if I forced myself to focus on positive reinforcement and focusing on the 90/10 rule (positive to negative interaction ratio) it helped. A lot.

And daven!

Wishing you loads of siyata dishmaya and nachas!

amother

Blonde

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:18 pm

I don’t claim to know anything about parenting. I’m in the trenches with toddlers myself:)
I do see a pattern in the behaviors you’re describing though…can it be he’s doing all these things to get a reaction out of you? Try (easier said then done) to react firmly but calmly (at least pretend to). Don’t think about what he’ll be like when he’s older, there’s no point, it doesn’t mean anything, and it’ll just make you more anxious and emotional every time he does something. Maybe try to give him a consequence, and follow through every time. Some kids need more boundaries/discipline then others.

mushkamothers

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

But discipline, which means to teach, doesn't magically start at a certain age. So he's only 3 now but for most of his life he hasn't experienced natural consequences or been told no or had limits enforced? When my 16m bangs on the table with the real fork to make noise, I take it away and give him a plastic fork, that's called discipline.
Every child is different so now you have this with him regardless of what your other kids are like.

amother

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:24 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

I guess we have different definitions of discipline then. I have told him no since he was a baby and taken things away when necessary, but I only started timeouts at 2.

BrisketBoss

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:29 pm

The thing about these sorts of behaviors in toddlers is that they already know it's wrong/unwanted behavior. They know and it doesn't matter. They're creatures of impulse. Timeouts and other punishments aren't so useful, repeating to them that what they did was wrong isn't useful.

In the moment, there's not a lot you can do. Block behaviors, physically prevent them from continuing, set the kid up for success in the first place.

In general, make sure you're taking time for connection with your child. 1-on-1 distraction free time. And try to figure out where the behavior might be coming from--ask yourself if your child is hungry or tired. If you're setting enough limits, or if there are too many limits. If there's a big change in their life such as a new sibling. If you're not giving them enough attention.

I wouldn't require your 3 year old to clean up his messes. I would have him observe you do it, and invite his assistance.

amother

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:30 pm

amother [ Whitewash ] wrote:

Sounds like pandas. Rough journey. Normal parenting techniques will not work on this child.

As far as I know, we never had strep infections, so I think it's unlikely. Also there's a genetic component. The allergy is also fairly new, only started Sunday afternoon, whereas this he's been very active since he was in my belly tbh.

amother

Whitewash

Wed, May 18 2022, 10:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I should have written pans/AE, not pandas.

Super complicated and I don’t have time to get into it right now but it does sound like his brain is reacting to something instead of his immune system, like it should. It can be anything. Mold, food allergy, environmental allergy, virus, bacteria, fungus, literally anything. It’s a long hard journey to figure out the cause(s) and eliminating them, which isn’t always possible, but this child absolutely can heal.

amother

Blonde

Wed, May 18 2022, 11:44 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

Timeouts and other punishments aren't so useful, repeating to them that what they did was wrong isn't useful.

In the moment, there's not a lot you can do. Block behaviors, physically prevent them from continuing, set the kid up for success in the first place.

I wouldn't require your 3 year old to clean up his messes. I would have him observe you do it, and invite his assistance.

I agree with everything bc else you wrote but the above two things I’m not so sure about. Like my previous post said, I am not an expert or anything like that. In fact, I very rarely participate in these kinds of threads since I feel like I shouldn’t offer my two cents unless my opinion is really that valid and educated.
That being said, time-outs have a place. Maybe not if you choose to parent differently, but not doing it because it doesn’t work isn’t necessarily true. It depends how you do it, what you do it for, etc. I personally only do it if my kids hurt each other physically (b’n). That’s my big no-no and they know they’ll get a timeout.
The other thing is toddlers can definitely clean up!! Make it a habit while they’re young. When I take my 2 year old out of the high chair she needs to take her plate and throw it in the garbage. When she eats a bag of pretzels she needs to put the wrapper either on the table or in the garbage. If she spills her snack, I bend down to help her but I don’t do it for her. Etc.

Zehava

Wed, May 18 2022, 11:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No, my third. First one was a bit difficult too but he usually gets the message after I get angry. Second one was a breeze. The 3 year old doesn't take no for an answer

Ummm so first you don’t need to do gentle parenting but “getting angry” is not a parenting method. It’s reactive parenting. And apparently your toddler is a smart little cookie who sees through it.
Second, you are way overthinking. Do yourself a favor and focus on his current behavior without going back 20 years to his father as a kid, or forward 20 years to him as a father.

amother

Chicory

Thu, May 19 2022, 12:26 am

It sounds like he wants your attention. I would find times to give him positive attention so that he doesn't seek it out in negative ways. Also try reacting to the negative behaviors in a very calm way. Very nonchalantly you say we don't throw rocks, and you take it out of his hand. Don't let him see that he's getting a rise out of you.

amother

Chicory

Thu, May 19 2022, 12:27 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

I don't agree with any of this. Yes they are still developing and don't have perfect control, but they are way more capable than this.