I want to keep hosting for simchas, but…

amother

Azalea

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 10:09 am

Quote:

I would never assume I can open a closet in someone else's playroom and take toys out. That's something I can't understand.

I would if all the toys were in closets and the host, while showing me around, said "And here are the bedrooms and here is the toy room," and it felt like part of my floor. We have been hosted like this before, and we have hosted others like this. In this setup, for most people, they assume the playroom is part of the area they can use. If all toys are in cabinets, you take one out, let your kids use it under your supervision, and put it back. If you're told not to use the toys, you don't. But you might still use the area. If I was told, "This particular area needs quiet until 10," I would keep my kids out of it until then.

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 10:09 am

amother [ Cinnamon ] wrote:

Your kids sound either really young, are already preteens, or angels!

Also, you never have kids waking up at different times? There's always the kid sleeping in after a late night who I hesitate to wake as dc will be howling with exhaustion for a bit.

I have all ages. I keep them in the room until all are awake. I bring books and toys for that time period. We go to the hosts to eat breakfast and stay there. That’s the only normal thing to do in my circles. All hosts and guests understand that.

amother

Green

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 10:22 am

Sesame wrote:

So if your guests awake at say 730, you expect them not to come over cos it may wake you, but to stay where they’re sleeping and have their kids play there? Don’t understand this… I’d assume I give the key to my guests just in case. My guests my problem. Am I wrong? Would it be okay to expect ppl to stay at place they’re sleeping til 10ish? I’d have thought definitely not okay to hang at place guests sleep unless they’re quiet in their own room, or it’s someone quietly reading in the lounge.

Go back and read my other posts, that’s not what I said at all.
Just out of curiosity, if you have a key to get into your house and you are hosting a Simcha, do you give a key to every family who comes? (We have a combo, and yes, we give the combo to guests who are sleeping at our house, and usually to families who came in for our Simcha as well) That’s a LOT of keys to have and keep track of.

Sesame

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 10:29 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

I have read. There must be a miscommunication somewhere then cos that’s the way it comes across. What are you saying then? Giving a key and a combo is the same thing. Or giving two ppl a key who will be there early is sufficient.
Out of curiosity? Lol I host a lot and multiple ppl at a time but I’m not personally making a simcha any time soon. No boys of my own yet, so no bar mitzvah’s and no kids near the age of getting married. But yes, once a year I have extended family that comes for a yahrtzeit, about 30 ppl and I’m the only one that actually lives there, so yeah I host them all. One or two of them get a key depending on who will be up first, or I hide a key or whatever. It’s not that difficult…..

amother

Green

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 10:37 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

I appreciate your frank reply Flower

Thank you

I’m going to try one more time, for the people who seem to be having a problem understanding what I’m writing. (Not you)
When I am a guest at someone’s house, it is my job to make sure my kids don’t disturb the host family. If we have access to the play room, or some toys in the play room, they can play there quietly. (I only have two little kids, who don’t really make much noise. I have other kids as well, but they sleep later.)
I do not expect our host to give us access to the toys. If they do, that’s great. If my kids start making noise, I will go shush them or have them get dressed and we will leave the house. We may go for a walk, or go to the park, or go to the home of the baalei Simcha, depending on the time. (I wouldn’t go before 8:30 or 9:00. If I was hosting I wouldn’t want anyone coming before 8:00. Obviously I wouldn’t kick anyone out, and I would be completely genuinely gracious, but it’s not something I would want.)
I do not take my own toys along with me when we go away because I generally don’t have room, either in the suitcases or in the car. BH we are a good size family, and when we go away there is barely enough space for all of us in the car, once we have everyone’s bags. If we fly for a Simcha, I pack in the bags we pay for, and would not pay for another bag just for toys.
As a hostess for someone else’s guests, I will give my guests access to my playroom, all I ask is that they clean up and don’t break/lose anything. If someone’s kids are being too loud (BH that’s never happened to me before) I would not say anything to them, but if the hosting family asked me to host again, I would mention something nicely.

amother

Green

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 10:40 am

Sesame wrote:

I really was asking out of curiosity, cuz you said key and not combo, so I was genuinely wondering what you would do when you have multiple families in town for a Simcha. Giving a key or giving the combo isn’t the same, because giving the key is something physical. I was just wondering if there are really people who have that many keys. Now I understand that you just meant access to your house. I thought you were saying that when you make a Simcha you give ALL of your guests a key, and I couldn’t understand.

amother

Oxfordblue

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:06 am

amother [ Outerspace ] wrote:

I’ve had situations were host lives in tiny apartment. There is no room for 40 ppl to show up for breakfast.
Was once in difficult sit. Had 4 little kids with newborn. Host wasn’t feeding bec small apt. And I didn’t know them bec other side. Sleeping accommodations made it clear no toys and no food. We were also in one small room with not enough beds or linen.
Middle of winter.
I took my kids to basement of shul and gave them granola bars and spent all Shabbos there. Really worst experience of my life…
I had no clue what else to do.
I think it was a mess up on everyone part. Years later I still remember it horribly.

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:10 am

amother [ Oxfordblue ] wrote:

That's terrible. I think people will such a situation who can't afford a hotel shouldn't host out of town guests. It's not fair to anyone.

Sesame

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:15 am

amother [ Oxfordblue ] wrote:

Oh no! I would have assumed that they got a room or an empty apartment nearby or something where ppl can hang out, and gotten breakfast boxes or fruit and homemade cake and some grape juice bottles for kiddish. That doesn’t sound normal

essie14

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How do you tell the Baal Simcha that you can only host if the people will mostly be by her? Doesn’t that come across rude?

Not at all.
As I was reading your OP and all your responses to other people, I just kept thinking "just don't host kids".

It's not rude at all.
Baalei simcha generally have guests of all ages. It's not that hard to create a spreadsheet and place all guests at appropriate homes.
I've done it.

amother

Cinnamon

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:19 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

I didn’t say her playroom MUST be open to everyone. What I said was that as a hostess of a Simcha, I would not appreciate my guests who is t up at 6:30 or 7:00 or even 7:30 in the morning. Like the OP, shabbos is my only morning to sleep. My kids know to go downstairs when they wake up, not to come and wake me up. Of course she should set conditions, not sure why you think I disagree.

Hosting a simcha and your OWN guests is totally different scenario and set of responsibilities than SOMEBODY ELSE hosting YOUR GUESTS.

As the simcha hostess you don't have to be up to greet them but you do have to make your home accessible to the early risers and their noise.

Either you or somebody else unlocks your door at 7:00 for the early risers (read young kids and old people). You unlock (or give access) at 6:00 if the chossons sister says her kids wake at 6:00. Cereal, coffee and access to toys are available in your home. Why should your guests make noise at your neighbors who graciously host week after week?

That being said, another sil may have one kid that wakes at 6:30 and another at 830. So she cant leave hosts ....She's going to have to figure it out at the gracious hosts that hopefully understand that her kids are human and will likely make some noise.

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:21 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

The baalei Simcha shouldn’t share their Simcha with family?

No not if they don't have the means. It's a not a big deal to not have every relative come. We've had some where we just put up grandparents, you don't need every last aunt, uncle and cousin. If you have no where for them to hang out all shabbos it doesn't make sense to have them all come. You need to be realistic.

amother

Green

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:25 am

amother [ Azalea ] wrote:

Quote:

I would never assume I can open a closet in someone else's playroom and take toys out. That's something I can't understand.

Exactly. And if a door is locked, I would never even think to open it.

amother

Green

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:26 am

amother [ Outerspace ] wrote:

Just because they don’t have a space big enough for their out of town guests to hang out doesn’t mean they don’t have the means.
When we went to a Simcha hosted by such a family, we spent most of the day in the place where we were eating. The host family provided plenty of toys, and there was nice weather so anyone could take a walk. There were also multiple school playgrounds in the area, which were all open to the neighborhood. (Yes, I asked if I was allowed before taking my kids.)

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:29 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Just because they don’t have a space big enough for their out of town guests to hang out doesn’t mean they don’t have the means.

I feel like you argue for the sake of arguing. If they didn't rent a place to hang out, and don't have space at home, then they don't have the means to host.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:29 am

Quote:

Please, I would very happily not have to attend if I knew what I would have to put up with once I got there. (I would much rather be in my own bed than at the family simcha with 3 kids, 7 months pregnant, a 15 minute walk uphill to the simcha hall, staying in one room on the third floor of some random person's house with no a/c in the middle of the summer - real story)

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:30 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

I was responding to a specific situation and that person should not have hosted. Anyway I'm getting tired of the circles so I'm done with these arguments.

amother

Green

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 11:31 am

amother [ Outerspace ] wrote:

I feel like you argue for the sake of arguing. If they didn't rent a place to hang out, and don't have space at home, then they don't have the means to host.

Not having the means usually means not having the financial ability. It doesn’t generally mean not having the physical space.
I’m not arguing with anyone. I am just stating my opinion.