I want to keep hosting for simchas, but…

amother

Green

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 7:20 am

imaima wrote:

Also: if an entrance into the house is through your playroom then it’s not a „separate entrance“. It’s just not.

You have a suite in your house but no separate entrance. Totally different expectations

I’m imagining something like a basement entrance door, with the playroom being in the basement. So technically it’s a separate entrance, cuz they’re not coming in through the main door, but it’s not totally separate from the rest of the house.

amother

Sage

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 7:24 am

I think I stayed at your place or similar to what you described around 7 years ago.
From my perspective, firstly, it was stunning! We loved it!
2nd. By nature I'm always looking over my shoulder so I definitely was self conscious and careful to be quiet, however I can see people thinking you are 'far-away ' somewhere and not get that they need to really be quite. It feels like a big house and you must be 'elsewhere '...
3rd, each family that comes feel like the only people to you. They don't realize that you are doing this week after week. For them it is a one night experience often unpleasant because children need to sleep in new surroundings etc. They are trying to cope with late night schedules, cranky kids, and assume their needs like a few toys etc are no big deal to you...
In conclusion, if it was you, I saw your children for a minute, they are sweet good kids. If they are upset they deserve the validation.
I would only host adults or older children from now on. In a few years you can try again. Not all circumstances have a perfect ending and it's ok to accept this limitation. You are the sweetest people for hosting so beautifully, and having adults only is still a huge help for people.

amother

Aster

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 7:34 am

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

There are probably 10s of thousands of people around the world that have a basement with a separate entrance, a few bedrooms and family playrooms....

amother

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 7:51 am

imaima wrote:

If it rains outside and there is no way to go, why can’t they all play together? It is a menschlich thing to do.

My kids definitely play with all sorts of kids in our house if we host new people. And they share toys. 90% of times all is fine, davka because my kids are also there to watch the guests.

I have several solutions: not to host people with little kids;
Then, it’s not Torah mi Sinai that toys are only to be enjoyed in playrooms. Other people will testify that they keep toys in their kids bedrooms.
So you can: a) put some toys into one of guest bedrooms and tell them to play with those till 10 am.
b) tell your kids to keep their special toys in their bedrooms.
c) do both and keep only random toys on display in the playroom that you don’t cherish so much.

I have many questions though: where are your guests supposed to hang out? Do they never show up anywhere other than those bedrooms? Do they have any water there? What if they need something from you?

I feel like you are not ready to do this mitzvah, at least not as frequently as you do it. You have space but you are not ready to forego your comfort and neither are your kids.

They do sometimes play with the guests kids. But expecting it to happen (even if raining) is unfair, and making it sound like they’re not ‘metchlich’ if they don’t is unfair too.

None of the toys are on display. They’re all in clearly marked closets, with those available for guests marked as such…

The guests can definitely hang out for a bit and we make things very comfortable for them if they need, but if they need to be there all day (not just for napping) then it becomes hard.

We have a fridge for water bottles down there (and to keep baby stuff if necessary). We feed their kids breakfast. At night we show them our kitchen so they can eat or make coffee if they need in the morning. They can always ask us for things.

While it might sound to you like we’re resentful all the time, actually we do the mitzvah with a lot of happiness and make our guests extremely comfortable so that they all want to come back.

Nice of you to say we’re not ready to forgo our comfort. That was sweet.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 8:42 am

I think the best solution for everyone would be to stop hosting or to tell the baalei simcha that you can't host children
I know that when we go away for a family simcha with our kids (which we try to avoid as much as possible) it is so so stressful for us. Our children are in a strange home, strange beds, sometimes jet-lagged, and almost always off schedule.
If I got to a home and the host said please don't let you children out of the room until 9am or here is a whole playroom but only play with this small basket of toys - I'd probably sit down right there and start crying.
No, I don't feel entitled, but I expect to be put up somewhere where the family hosting me and my children realizes that these are children and they may not be angels Surprised

. And if it doesn't work for you, then by all means explain that to the baal simcha beforehand.

amother

Orange

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 8:50 am

amother [ Aster ] wrote:

Being explicit has to start with the Baalei simcha.
You have to be clear with the Baalei simcha that you only have two rooms to give NOT a basement.
The baalei simcha might be under the impression that you have a finished basement to give to guests and that is why you are getting the noiser and larger families that they are bringing in. But its not true, and you have to be the ones to tell them that.

Yes, this sounds like a communication issue. As a guest I would never use toys unless I was told it was ok to do so. The fact so many families are using toys makes me think the baalei simcha are telling them it’s ok.

amother

Hunter

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 8:54 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

. And if it doesn't work for you, then by all means explain that to the baal simcha beforehand.

Same. Traveling with kids for a simcha is so so stressful, if I had to be shushing them all day and keep them in the room with me and not let them go into the playroom that's right there, I would probably start crying too.

I say host people with out kids or don't host at all.

rae

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 9:04 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

. And if it doesn't work for you, then by all means explain that to the baal simcha beforehand.

This. You sound really sweet but you are not doing people a favor by your expectations. I host pretty often and I’ve been hosted.
If someone puts me in a basement like you described, I would assume the playroom was fine. When I host people in my basement, we try not to go down all shabbos. I let my kids bring their toys up beforehand. I also have a locked closet for play mobile which my kids have meticulously organized. There’s another toy closet that is open and available.
Expecting a family with kids to stay locked in their room is not doing anyone a favor.
Like another above said, if I came with kids and heard your expectations, I would probably cry.
Even adults want to feel welcomed and not told to just stay in their room.
I hear that it’s not working for you. Maybe take a break or like someone else said, do it every 4-5 weeks.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 9:07 am

amother [ Hunter ] wrote:

If you got to a hotel you probably do have to keep your kids in your room, right? (Unless you take two rooms with a connecting door or a suite)
So what's the difference?

amother

Salmon

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 9:14 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

If you got to a hotel you probably do have to keep your kids in your room, right? (Unless you take two rooms with a connecting door or a suite)
So what's the difference?

In a hotel they can run around the lobby and run in the halls. They replace the furniture frequently so if the climb on it it doesn’t really make a difference. My kids are not your business and I payed to stay in hotel. I do not need to keep them quiet if it is in inconvenient to me.

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 9:19 am

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

Hotels do not allow you to run in halls or climb on furniture. I really hope you don’t do that.

amother

Azalea

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 9:21 am

amother [ Outerspace ] wrote:

I think it’s very simple to say they can have access to the rooms but not use the playroom. I would put a few toys on a shelf in the large bedroom so that they have something to play with it. Hang a sign saying private please don’t touch by the playroom and let them and the person whose guest they are know.

This makes sense. I would say, though, that as the guest, if two of my kids woke up early and I didn't want then to wake the others or dh (or me, if dh is the one doing the early wake up), or if some were napping in the afternoon and others weren't, I would take some of the toys given to us out to the playroom to play there. I wouldn't open the locked closet if it was told to me not to. (I might open it if I wasn't told not to use them or the playroom toys. Because often, child locks are there to keep kids from playing with toys and taking them out without supervision.) So yes, I might use that playroom, and would assume I could, even if I only used the toys given to me.

Rubber Ducky

Tue, Jun 07 2022, 9:22 am

As someone mentioned upthread, the setup you have is a generous guest suite, not 2 guest bedrooms. The playroom serves as a "common area" — meaning in this case, a living room for the guests. After all, you cannot get to the bedrooms without going through it. Guests would naturally assume that the playroom is theirs to hang out in.

Possible solutions to minimize the problems you mentioned:

1) Build a real closet (not an Ikea-type freestanding wardrobe) in the playroom for your kids' toys with a real lock on it.

2) Post rules such as the "Playroom hours are from 10 AM to noon and from 4 to 6 PM". Post them prominently and hand a copy to guests when they arrive.

3) Host less often so your kids see this more as a treat and less as an intrusion.

4) I do not know how big the playroom is or the layout of your basement, but is it possible to to reconfigure or partition the space so that guests do not have access to the playroom?