Did your life turn out the way you thought it would?

amother

DarkGray

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 9:13 am

I grew up with an abusive mother and sister. ( Some would say she was just as much a victim, but as an adult a decade + later she still thinks it's hilarious what she put we through and would probably do it again)
I was cursed out on a daily basis.
I was sure my life would wither end at a young age at my own hands or I'd marry a horrible man later jn life and never have any children, be destitute and live in a mice infested dingy basement apt. according to my mothers curses. Cuz who would want me anyway. I really believed that!!!

Ha ha.

I married a nice man at 18. We were both 18. We "grew up" together. Struggled through many things. It's been 15 years. Our love for each other is greater than ever. Only getting stronger. And I have 4 beautiful children. Live in a decent house that we own and hope to renovate soon. Are basically comfortable financially.

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 9:14 am

amother [ Holly ] wrote:

Haha no.
My dream- a handful of adorable well behaved easy children spaced exactly 2 years apart. I’m the mother of my dreams. A loving husband who is crazy over me. A stable marriage. We live in town in Kollel for a few years then move to Kansas and start a lotus community. DH has a really successful business and we inspire lots of people. We have a beautiful house and I’m skinny and gorgeous. And always happy.

My reality- few children spaced very far apart. I’m not the mother I thought I would be proud of. My kids have kids of issues. My dh is super loving and he’s crazy over me my marriage is passionate bh but he’s unemployed for years. My marriage is far from stable. We are comfortable thanks to a yerusha but DH is depressed. We don’t do any Kiruv - we need kiruv ourselves at this point- and although we moved out of town it wasn’t for spiritual reasons. We live in a small apartment and I’m overweight (at least I’m still pretty). I’m more depressed then happy most days.

Life.

But I’m grateful for my beautiful family and close friends and I hope I don’t take out for granted, thank You Hashem.

You made me laugh, thank you!
I think if you could make yourself laugh more often you might find yourself less depressed Very Happy

amother

Salmon

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 9:34 am

I'm still young so who knows what will be but for the most part, yes. I married the kind of learning guy I was planning on marrying. I live where I thought I'd live. I guess I didn't think I'd marry the first guy I dated but I'm very happy I did! I had my baby right away and my next one 2 years later.

Things that did not go as expected - I thought I'd love s-x or at least have a normal s-x life. It was painful in the beginning and I still find it uncomfortable (have tried everything - therapy, PT, I'm just doomed 😢). I get close but can't clim@x... basically I do not have the bedroom that I thought I'd have at all.

This is totally my fault but I thought I'd be more frum. I barely daven now and I hate myself for it - I just don't know how to start again.

There's for sure more things both ways but they're more minor.

amother

Starflower

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 9:41 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Am I the only one who didn't have her whole life worked out before?
I mean, all those details that everyone thought when they were younger - how could they possibly have turned out the way you thought? Are we neviim?
My life is generally the way I thought it would be, but I only thought in general terms, so I guess I gave my life an easier chance!

ETA I see tangerine is on the same page as me!

Yes, me.

I don't think I thought about it that much. I guess there were things I hoped for, and some of them I got. I think I wanted a medium sized family, not too big but not too small, which I have, although I would love at least one more child than I actually have.

Workwise I started off doing one thing, but am now doing something kind of different with big changes in my life in my 40s. Which is very invigorating but also nervewracking.

My kids are great bh, my husband ok.

Financially I never thought I would be well off and suddenly we are much better off than I ever thought we would be.

amother

Freesia

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 9:51 am

I was always independent, intellectual, and feministic and the thought of being a stay at home mom repulsed me. My husband and I got into an argument while dating because he thought it would make sense for me to stop working after a certain number of kids and I was horrified at the thought.

Becoming a mother changed me and right now I am desperate to stop working or work only part time, but it isn't really possible. If I had a choice between having another child and throwing away my degree and career, I wouldn't even hesitate before tossing my degree in the trash.

amother

Moccasin

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 10:10 am

I actually am happier with the life Hashem chose for me than I dreamed of for myself.
I am an in town girl so couldn't imagine marrying an oot boy or living oot. I wanted to go down the 'expected' path of learning in kollel for the first 5-7 years. I wanted my husband getting a job in a mens only office in Lakewood. I wanted to have a large family of kids and be a part time working mom (with a degree).
I married an in town boy and we went to an oot kollel (just for 3 years!) and then stayed many more years. I love the OOT lifestyle. It definitely brought out the best in both me and my husband. I BH have 5 kids but thought I would have more at this stage. I work from home, never completed my degree and love every minute of my freedom. My husband worked in a non jewish office and then branched out on his own.

amother

PlumPink

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 11:31 am

My dream:
My husband would be the take-charge type who would take care of me. I would have double-digit children and work from home. I would have two or three jobs to support our family and have plenty of energy to do it all. My husband would learn long term and eventually get some kind of chashuva job.

My real life:
My husband is not the take-charge type at all, but he does love taking care of me (I just have to say what I want, and how and when...). We have infertility and need IVF to get pregnant. I have three kids now and probably won't have more than 6 or 7. I am extremely low energy, need to go to sleep early and don't have koach to do all the things I thought I'll do (bake, clean, be the perfect mother)
My husband went out to work after three years, and is working for a local small office and making very little money, but I don't have the energy or time to support our family. I am working part time at a job I don't enjoy just for the paycheck.

On the other hand, I hoped I'd be happy and I am. I thought my kids would be adorable and they are! I also have many other amazing perks I didn't think about as a girl, and my life is great BH.

amother

Yolk

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 2:07 pm

amother [ DarkKhaki ] wrote:

I think that as long as a person is in a good marriage then there is inner peace which makes you feel good and fulfilled. unless someone is dealing with a crisis like a terminal illness, infertility, a child going off the derech… being in a loving marriage makes life wonderful and even if life didn’t turn out exactly as one thought it would (it never does) the security of a good relationship makes everything better. (I don’t have that …)

I agree. And I don’t have that either. I always think that I could handle anything if only my husband was my rock and my safe person. But I’m afraid of him and don’t feel safe at all. It makes everything so much harder.

Not_in_my_town

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 9:56 pm

I couldn't even imagine what life would be like in the future when I was a child.

Lived in 20+ places before I was 20, mother divorced and then married an Arab, moved us to Shuafat to her husband's Arab family's house, almost married off my sister to a bedouin when she was 14....

Then I ran away from home and became frum, but before that I spent time around the leader in the Messianic movement and am now working on being able to combat the scourge of missionary attempts, using the info I gained.

Started first in Chabad, then lived in the Yeshivish community, then went far-right chasidishe.
Found Chabad is the healthiest of all forms of Judaism and want to raise my kids with that more balanced approach. Found the ultra chasidishe world to be extremely unhealthy in many ways, but full of sincerely intentioned people.

Thought I would marry the person who I was convinced was my soul mate, but that fell through. Got married to a guy I met at a beshow. Married him 7 months later after seeing him a total of 3 times.

Spent almost 15 years being neglected and misunderstood, though he's a guy with a good hard who just has a lot of trauma from abuse that I only recently learned about. Marriage was built upon lies and lies and lies.

Everything being torn apart and re-evaluated for what it is now.

Despite all the pain and hardships, I am thankful that I'm going through hell now, because it made me stop being a wishy-washy wimp and learn to stand up for myself.

No one is allowed to de-self me, no matter if they call themselves a rebitzin or my husband.

Hashem created me as me, and it is me I will be.

I'm not weird because I love dogs.

I'm not evil because I now drive a car.

I actively choose Hashem every day of my life, and Hashem wants us to be normal and balanced.

I've learned to stop looking down on other people from other walks of life. We are all on our own journeys.

Oh, and though I always wanted to be a writer as a child, I never imagined that I would be a very popular writer for one of the most heimishe magazines around. And I am.

And people tell me all the time, "What you're a BT? I can usually sniff them out...."

There is no "them." There is just "us". There is just "me".

I don't need a label. And I don't need to blend in with the community in order to prove my worth anymore. I used to hide my BTness behind a synthetic wig and a hat, because I felt ashamed of my BTness. But why?

I'm just a Jew doing what a Jew should be doing.

I'm unique, and happy with that fact now, because I've grown.

I have no clue what life holds in store for me, but I assume there will be plenty more surprises.

amother

Copper

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 10:00 pm

I had very low hasagos before I got married. All I wanted was to marry a NORMAL person, and BH that's what I got.

I never wanted a large family, but not too small either. BH so far we're on that track.

DH and I definitely don't have the blissful marriage I envisioned, but we're doing better than my parents so that's a win.

I'm still working at the same place I started out.

I knew we were going to own a home, so we worked towards that, saving dollar upon dollar until we were able to stretch ourselves that little bit more to buy. We bought a really dumpy house, again because of my low expectations. I needed to own something, didn't matter what or where. Right now I would love to extend/renovate, but I never expected to, and it doesn't look like we'll get to it too soon or ever.

Sometimes I think my low expectations makes my life so plain jane and humdrum. I want to make it big one way or another, whether I become famous at a certain job, or we become fabulously wealthy, own a huge fancy home, travel extensively whether for work or pleasure, or I start some volunteer organization... something to feel like "I made it" in this world.

But then I tell myself boring is good. Being in the public eye has its own difficulties. If I can "make it" in this thing called LIFE, who needs anything more. I try my best to bring in parnassah, to be a good mother and good wife. It's hard for me to do these things considering my upbringing and my personality, and still I don't give up. That's something. That's everything. Putting one foot in front of the other should get a lot more credit and be considered a lot more successful than all of the flashy things I think I want.

amother

Maize

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 10:04 pm

Not_in_my_town wrote:

Thought I would marry the person who I was convinced was my soul mate, but that fell through. Got married to a guy I met at a beshow. Married him 7 months later after seeing him a total of 3 times.

Spent almost 15 years being neglected and misunderstood, though he's a guy with a good hard who just has a lot of trauma from abuse that I only recently learned about. Marriage was built upon lies and lies and lies.

Everything being torn apart and re-evaluated for what it is now.

Wow. May Hashem give you koach!!

liveandlove.ima

Wed, Jun 08 2022, 10:04 pm

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

It's definitely not the life I thought I'd have, but it seems like a lot of you had very well thought out dream lives. I really didn't.

Here's what I got:

God gave me a real man to marry, a man who is a mix of ego and tenderness, pride, protectiveness, and fierce love. He drives me crazy sometimes, but I can't think of a time when I didn't feel loved, cherished, valued by him.

I couldn't have pictured my autistic son, could not have predicted the constant, slogging uphill battle that is being his mom. He's sweet, and kind, and vulnerable, and brilliant, goofy and geeky in the best of ways. I never knew that being his mom would be so frightening, that I could feel so helpless and so angry, so proud and so....much. I never knew I could feel so much.

I was given a bunch more kids. They fill me up and drain me dry. I see them turning into real little people. It's magical and beautiful and exhausting. I see my neighbors sweet, calm, clean children and I wonder how in the world they do it. We laugh a lot. When the kids fight, or I'm loosing my cool, or the house is an explosive mess, I remind myself that we sit around with each other and laugh a lot. That must count for something.

I have a career that I love. I work with incredible people.

Money is always tight, always, but I feel safe most of the time. My husband makes me feel safe, a big, strong, shelter against the world.

I'm a very lucky woman.

Why the hugs? This is by far the most inspirational post on thread, while life is never a bed of roses, ask anyone... it's the positivity and outlook in life that is beyond my understanding. I'm in awe of you!
I'd love to be your friend Irl !!
eta I just refreshed my screen and see its been updated wow not in my town and some others you people are true heroes okay gotta go read them through....

Last edited by liveandlove.ima on Wed, Jun 08 2022, 10:21 pm; edited 1 time in total