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Not_in_my_town

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 12:36 am

My family is going through a lot in life right now, ripping everything apart by the seams, trying to figure out the path forward into our future.

To make a long story short: I'm a BT who went to the far, far, far right chasidishe community, losing myself in the process. I was forced to give up my name, my language, my history, my mode of dress, everything about myself. It created tremendous stress and unhappiness. Now, I'm in the process of learning that I don't need to hide behind layers of frumkeit; I need to be myself and deepen my relationship with Hashem in the unique way that only I can. He created me with my background and likes and dislikes, and He didn't expect me to dump them just because I chose to follow Him.

The issue is that I'm married with kids. My kids never thrived with the ultra-chasidishe way of life; they are thrilled that I'm making healthy changes and letting their personalities thrive. We are also having deep discussions about real and fake Yiddishkeit, and how everyone is on their own journeys. They are now thriving, realizing that one can be erliche and deeply religious without living inside a constraining box.

My husband is dealing with a lot of his issues as well, learning that there are not just two options: Either uber chasidishe or pushing the boundaries of halacha. BH, we have great guidance at this point in time, and even though our marriage is struggling, my husband is ready to move out of town in order to give me and the kids the chance to just relax and be ourselves. Be Yidden who love Hashem and want to follow His Torah, but to do it in our own unique styles.

I don't want to be the bum because I drive now. I don't want to be the bum because I'm more comfortable in a long skirt than a skirt exactly four inches below my knee. I certainly don't want to be the bum because I love dogs. I want a dog. (Or five!) And my kids desperately want one as well.

So now we're thinking of trying out a community not too far Monsey.

Any ideas for a rural community in the tristate area that is warm and would embrace a rather unique family?

Husband goes with a streimel, kids speak Yiddish and a bit of English, though they'll learn more easily. Wife a BT.

I would love to send them Chabad schools, but don't want to be in Crown Heights. Litvish schools are also fine, but at this point, I would vastly prefer a Chabad chinuch. Chasidishe schools that would accept a mother driving and a family with a dog won't be the kind of school that I'm interested. We are specifically NOT looking for "cool" schools. We're not running from Yiddishkeit. We just want to be ourselves.

Grass and trees are really important to us, as well. We're thinking of up in the country, like Monticello.
Any leads are appreciated.

Thanks!

Thisisnotmyreal

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 1:47 am

What about relocating within Monsey? Pomona? Chabad schools in Monsey.

It's a big enough city. You will run into some people you know and there will always be people that will call you a shikse for driving. You are strong though and are on a good path.

Btw the Frum issue can happen in Chabad, though much less. Definitely way more pnemius involved.

SYA

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 2:18 am

Chabad has schools in Monsey and there are many surrounding villages/towns where people are moving and driving up to 1/2 hour to school. There are all types of people that go to the school.

Ruchi

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 2:33 am

Won't your children feel a misfit in a Chabad school if their father wears the chassidishe levush?

Purple2

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 2:41 am

I know it’s not close to monsey, but I think your family would love Baltimore

Not_in_my_town

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 2:44 am

1. Pomona: I'm worried it's more of an in-town "cool" vibe. I'm decidedly not cool and not heading that direction. I just want to be me. Looking for more of an out-of-town feel.

2. My kids just want to be themselves. They are so much happier once we stopped pushing the ultra-chasidishe way of life. Kids pick up on authenticy. They want authentic Yiddishkeit. And a person can be fully authentic as a chasid, but if the fit isn't truly perfect, then it can breed resentment. I pushed myself too far into the chasidishe world. I had to give up me, and that wasn't healthy.

My kids are thrilled to be frum but with personality. We also have Litvish family they adore, so they're okay being out-of-the-box. We're talking to them a lot about the beauty of every Yid, no matter the levush, as well as the importance of being oneself within the realm of halacha. They're getting it and they are blossoming without shame. They've had to grapple with the consequences of me driving, and while kids (and parents!) are making comments about me "going down" and trying to "be cool" etc., they had to really think about the concept of driving and that a car is a tool that can be used for good or evil. It's what you do with the tool that counts. Same goes with internet, etc. They are becoming deeper, more thought-out people. And they are growing tremendously. And they are proud to do so.
I'm not worried about them fitting in wherever they go. I'm worried about them being exposed to healthy Yiddishkeit, no matter how it's wrapped. I care that they can express themselves in a kosher way, and not be made to feel evil if they do something that is kosher but not "the norm."

Like, the other day, I gave my kids a baseball, gloves and a bat, and other kids teased them that it's "Litvish."
I told them to respond that it seems that Litvaks have more fun! No need to make something assur that isn't!

Not_in_my_town

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 2:45 am

Purple2 wrote:

I know it’s not close to monsey, but I think your family would love Baltimore

Thanks. That was actually a thought I had in passing. Isn't it expensive?

gr82no

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 2:48 am

Ruchi wrote:

Won't your children feel a misfit in a Chabad school if their father wears the chassidishe levush?

There are a couple of people who have the chassidesh levush and send to Cheder Chabad. Probably about two per grade.

Op I was thinking Albany I don’t know much about it but I’m pretty sure there’s a Chabad school there

GLUE

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 2:52 am

Not_in_my_town wrote:

Thanks. That was actually a thought I had in passing. Isn't it expensive?

Is not Monsey expensive?

Is not every were now expensive?

If you can find a community that you some what fit in and a way to support yourself, then you should go for it. Unless there is a special reason why you what\have to live in the Monsey area maybe start to think brooder.

Not_in_my_town

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 2:58 am

GLUE wrote:

I own a house in Monsey. Husband doesn't want to sell. Moving will mean taking out a second mortgage, so we want to keep it on the lower end.

Also, because our marriage on the rocks, he doesn't want to go too far from home in order to give me my space. He wants to be close enough to come back to Monsey easily if things go south and I decide to leave. So it needs to be close enough for his comfort.

GLUE

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 3:00 am

Not_in_my_town wrote:

You have very good reasons to stay in Monsey, wish you Hatzlacha in finding what you need.

Mermaidinexile

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 3:04 am

What about a place upstate like South Fallsburg?

Not_in_my_town

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 3:05 am

Mermaidinexile wrote:

What about a place upstate like South Fallsburg?

Definately thinking about it. But I have no info about it. I wonder how many families live there year-round and what the community is like.

shirachadasha

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 7:55 am

Fair Lawn, Bergenfield and Passaic have the potential to be a good fit. They're all different from each other but you could find the welcoming, non-judgmental approaches you're looking for.

sym123

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 8:26 am

Not_in_my_town wrote:

I 2nd pomona, there are all types there and nobody cares what type you are... you can just be you. While your husband can continue being him and nobody in Pomona will care or judge. That's my opinion. Most people there are just people living their lives the way they feel comfortable not "cool". The only thing would be finding schooling within the monsey community that your kids and you would be comfortable in.

happyone

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 9:23 am

Monsey sounds just about right. I think it's more about you finding your place and be confident with your choices. Uprooting your children will be a while challenge within itself.

4thebooks

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 9:28 am

Suffern/Montebello is also an up and coming neighborhood and I know many frum families living there. It’s a huge mix. There is chassidish, Chabad, Mo and everything in between.

Not_in_my_town

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 9:32 am

Montebello has extremely high taxes. It something to think about, but the taxes....

jkl

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 9:39 am

GLUE wrote:

You have very good reasons to stay in Monsey, wish you Hatzlacha in finding what you need.

I second this. What you need is to find a support group with like minded people. You have a good chance of finding them in a larger 'mixed' town, than in a small isolated town somewhere. You don't need the whole town to approve of your doings, that will never happen anyways. You just need a small group where you can be your own true self.

It takes work, but if you're authentic and really mean it as you say, people will accept you as is. I've done similar to OP. I'm not a BT, but was raised in a chassidishe environment where your yiddishkeit was determined by the length of your skirt, your stockings, or by the length of the man's suit or type of man's hat. I've gone through the same path as OP, looking for authenticity, looking where the actual Torah lies, and B"H have successfully planted my feet on the ground. My kids are well thought-out people and thrive on the essence. We've had many conversations around our Shabbos Table about authentic yiddishkeit and my kids have the knowledge and understanding about how to be the best Yid they can be. We've taught them that its not the clothing that makes the man, nor is it any other externals. We've explored the essence of all mitzvahs (with the help of a Rav when necessary), and they have the knowledge they need to implement it. We've discussed many a times that just because 'everyone' is doing something, it doesn't mean it's the right thing or the best option. We've also ingrained in them that before they do anything different they need to explore a topic in full, such as research BOTH sides of a situation in full, and discuss with a mentor to ensure it's not a biased decision. I've also ingrained in them that if you're moving away from something, make sure that you know what you're moving towards to. Because otherwise, all you're doing is running from something without any clarity or sensibilities.

I live in the Monsey area, in a mix of chassidishe and litvishe families. We are accepted and aren't ostracized in any way - and our viewpoints are actually well accepted by a reasonable many. I'm not on a mission to inform everyone of my perspectives, but if it comes out in a conversation I will speak up. As long as you speak up respectfully and appropriately, the crowd is usually receptive. By speaking and appropriately I refer to stating your perspectives without knocking other people's paths. If you work with others, and respect them, they generally do the same - as long as you are truly authentic in your selected Torah path.

alef12

Sun, Jun 12 2022, 9:41 am

I second you finding a Monsey community that works for you.

We live in Wesley Hills

A chassidish family moved into our neighborhood about a year ago. Such nice people with adorable children. I'm The pretty sure the wife drives, the kids (boys and girls) ride bikes and play ball with the neighborhood kids. I don't get the impression they were running away from anything by moving into our neighborhood. They seem like nice normal frum people who deliberately chose a non chassidish neighborhood so they could just BE. About a dozen families in our neighborhood have dogs and no one would blink if they got one too.

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