Where did the love go?

amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 1:54 pm

I don’t know who else to talk to about this. I feel like there’s something wrong with me.

When my children were born, I felt consumed by them. I would think about them all the time. I put in tremendous effort on parenting. I remember feeling like the love I felt was all encompassing. If anything threatened them, I would throw my body in front of a train for them if I had to.

Now my children are much older, and it’s so weird but it feels like my love has disappeared. My older son is coming back from yeshiva next week, he’s in his 20s, and I feel… nothing. No excitement about seeing him. He barely talks on the phone, he’s such a guy, so maybe that’s why I feel such disconnect from him?

It scares me. I don’t want to be like this. These boys don’t even feel like mine.

amother

Sage

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:00 pm

I think you have to invest more emotionally in the relationship. Do you know his interests? His hobbies? The guy who makes him nervous? Which topic sets him on fire?
It’s harder with boys than girls, hard to get them to talk, but emotional intimacy brigs you closer.

amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:14 pm

amother [ Sage ] wrote:

I’m his mother. He doesn’t tell me intimate stuff. I always laugh at the shalom bayis posts where the boys are obsessed with their mothers because mine would rather I not ask him details about his private life and keeps it very quiet.

He’s a good boy, just keeps to himself.

And I try to talk about things he likes - I know his interests and his strengths and his weaknesses and so much about him. But it’s like he’s some stranger in my house.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:17 pm

The Michtav M'Eliyahu says that love comes from giving.
Your son has been away for a while, so you have not been physically giving to him. Giving creates a relationship.
So to rekindle that, you need to be giving to him. Even if you don't feel anything, try to focus on the giving aspect. Prepare for his homecoming in the way that you think he would like - maybe preparing foods he likes, stocking the house with things he needs. Look out for him, and the feelings will come on the heels of giving.

amother

Calendula

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:33 pm

OP thank you for your honesty. My daughter has been in sem this past year and I can't honestly say I missed her. She has a really strong personality and some of my others struggle to get along with her. Our home has been more peaceful this year. But she does call often and we talk alot actually much more than when she is home but I can't say it's a very deep connection.

amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:36 pm

amother [ Calendula ] wrote:

Like is this typical? Is this what Hashem does to our hearts so that it’s easier for us to have them get married and make their own lives? The love just fades?

Zehava

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:38 pm

What’s his love language? To many boys/men it’s food. As chayalle said, prepare the food he likes. Give compliments. Prepare his room nicely. You’ve known him for years, you must know what will make him feel loved. Focus on doing that, instead of your actual feelings.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Like is this typical? Is this what Hashem does to our hearts so that it’s easier for us to have them get married and make their own lives? The love just fades?

In a way it becomes like any friendship between two adults--both of you have to actively keep the relationship going. It's not like when they're little and they need so much from you and you need to give it to them.

amother

Calendula

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Like is this typical? Is this what Hashem does to our hearts so that it’s easier for us to have them get married and make their own lives? The love just fades?

I have a daughter who recently got married, interestingly I found my love growing through the engagement, marriage, and now pregnancy. Welcoming a SIL also opens the heart. But honestly I'm not a maven on the subject of emotions...it's a lot of work for me

mitzva

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 2:54 pm

op, just let everything be. ( I wouldn't try to fix anything and no you are not a "giving" machine.)
Just enjoy the fact that your son blossomed into a functioning adult.

if something bad would happen to your son, you hardly would be able to take it. That's love.
it is love in a different form.
When my three oldest children married, two boys and a girl, people would ask me if I miss them.
I did not miss them. (it is not politically correct to say so, so I didnt.)

and to let you in on another social blunder of mine: I love my daughters-in-law. If something is hard in their lives, I suffer terribly.
If things are good for them, I feel secure and thankful to hashem.
I cant see life without them, even though we spend little time together...and dont talk much on the phone.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 3:00 pm

mitzva wrote:

Well said.
My social blunder confession- when my kids go to camp I'm very content. I love them to pieces but I don't miss them too much. I know they're safe and happy and having a grand time. Back home we get to relax a little and have a little less work.
I can't relate to mothers that can't sleep at night when they're kids are away because they worry and miss them so much.

amother

Beige

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 3:02 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

oh, my gosh. I am the same way.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 5:36 pm

Wow thanks for being honest about this. I'm a very dedicated loving involved mother with my little ones....and yet two of my boys are teenagers...and I totally get you. I wonder what's wrong with me sometimes.

amother

Smokey

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 5:53 pm

Thank you for posting and normalizing this feeling that isn’t really accepted. I have this with my teen daughter, but only her. She’s extremely challenging, emotional, dramatic, needy and we trigger one another. I look forward to sending her to sleep away camp every summer I really consider it a much needed break for myself and yes the whole atmosphere is better when she’s not home. Of course I love her it’s just hard to love her. I feel awful bec I know people daven for children!

Zehava

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 6:20 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

I’ll probably be the same way. Actually looking fwd to those quieter summers. But it’s a lot of work before and after. The shopping, labeling, packing, and them coming home totally unkempt with mountains of laundry.

amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 6:38 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

Like my girls are still little, so I wonder if I’d feel the same way when they’re older.

For everyone that says to give to them, lol my life is feeding teenaged boys. The love language is strong. The love? I don’t know.

I also don’t miss my kids when they’re in camp. I was happy to send my boys off to yeshiva as well. Other friends of mine were crying and falling apart, and I was just so happy that they were going to a really good place where they would grow and shine. So maybe I’m just built differently than other mothers?

BrisketBoss

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 6:41 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think we're probably all a bit 'not like other people' sometimes. And that's ok.

I'm not a worrier in general. I've noticed that a lot of moms worry about their babies, while I don't. Not even my first baby. I've always been pretty relaxed about things. I realize it's a blessing that I can be.

amother

Bluebell

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 6:46 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

If I makes you feel better, I was this teen. And I wanted to get away likely more than my mom wanted me to leave. The break is good for everyone.

amother

Bergamot

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 6:48 pm

I'm not in that stage yet, just thinking.

I think your relationship was based on the things you were doing when they were younger. At that stage it's you constantly doing for them and feeling needed...

Now they are more independent and you aren't needed the same way you were then. You need to figure out how to build a relationship with this young man in front of you now.

Can you spend time with him? What does he like to do? Can you go bowling with him? Doesn't need to be deep meaningful conversations, just spending time together. Can you eat out with him? Can you cook together for shabbos? You need to connect on a different level now.

I lost my mom when I was 25. I loved her and we had an amazing relationship. One of the things I mourn is not having a very adult relationship with her that my older sibs had. Like she was the best mom to me as a little girl, then as a teen. But at that time she was also trying to raise me and there was a level of discipline and chinuch and teaching involved. I miss spending time with her and shmoozing with her as two adults.