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nightingale1


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Thu, Jun 16 2022, 7:30 pm
Yes, I knew before. He was ready way before me so when I was ready I told him, and then our parents wanted to meet each other before he “officially” proposed. We also discussed which night would be best for a l’chaim. At that point it is pretty normal to tell your best friends, although not everyone does.
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Sesame


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Fri, Jun 17 2022, 7:53 am
Yes in these circles it’s pre-arranged
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amother


White
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Fri, Jun 17 2022, 12:05 pm
As far as I'm concerned, a couple is engaged when one party asks the other to marry and the other party agrees. Whether or not the fact has been trumpeted to the immediate world or published in some periodical or other is meaningless. There is no such thing, to my way of thinking, as being "unoffically engaged" unless, maybe, you're both fourteen years old and have to get parental consent. Otherwise, that nonsensical term just means that the agreement has been made by the two concerned parties but the oylam hasn't been notified. You're either engaged or you aren't, regardless of whom you informed or didn't.
I find the whole "prep for a lechayim" business bizarre, artificial, and every bit as idiotic as "I'm getting engaged tomorrow." Of course both parties should have a pretty good idea that this is in the cards; if a proposal comes as a complete surprise, something's wrong. Surprise as to time or place or manner, sure. Lots of girls like surprises. But to be caught totally unaware? No idea the guy wanted to marry you? Why were you dating?
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Window


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Fri, Jun 17 2022, 12:11 pm
Not yeshivish, but in our world, we get engaged at the rebbes ohel. So, “getting engaged tomorrow,” means, going to the ohel tomorrow. We don’t inform anyone about the engagement until after the ohel because we want to tell the rebbe first.
Nothing to do with proposal. Actually, we don’t even necessarily propose. A lot of us just mutually agree to get married and start planning the ohel trip.
It does get awkward when the news leaks, and everyone knows, but it can’t be announced publicly because they didn’t go to the ohel yet. Like no one will wish them mazal tov. It’s kind of awkward. Usually, this happens when they have to wait for parents to fly in from out of town.
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lovingmommy3417


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Fri, Jun 17 2022, 12:59 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | And that doesn't come out awkward? They already made up so why is he asking again? |
No it doesn't make it awkward. It makes it special because you both know you are ready for that exciting step. I'm pretty sure it's not all that different in the non-Jewish world. They talk about what they want in the future and when they think getting married would work best.
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miami85


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Fri, Jun 17 2022, 1:14 pm
Not that I said anything to anyone before it was official, but when I was dating my husband, we got up to a point where if my husband didn't make a move, I was going away for a few weeks so it was "do or die time" and so he said "I guess it's time for you meet my dad"--which I knew was code word for getting engaged. But making it official would also have to involve him meeting my mom (which where I was going) so until I got home and he could meet my mom we had to remain "unofficially" engaged. Without going into particulars ours was not entirely a typical arrangement.
If a girl is saying something means she has some sort of insider information that both parents have given "their blessing" to the engagement in terms of the financial parts and all that has to happen is the official proposal.
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#BestBubby


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Fri, Jun 17 2022, 1:21 pm
I believe the Shadchan asks the girl if she is "ready" before the boy Proposes.
So the girl knows about and agrees in advance to the proposal.
The proposal is just a formality.
And the boy does not face rejection.
Often a girl feels "not ready" and would like to date a few more times before agreeing
to a proposal.
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amother


Junglegreen
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Fri, Jun 17 2022, 3:07 pm
amother [ White ] wrote: | As far as I'm concerned, a couple is engaged when one party asks the other to marry and the other party agrees. Whether or not the fact has been trumpeted to the immediate world or published in some periodical or other is meaningless. There is no such thing, to my way of thinking, as being "unoffically engaged" unless, maybe, you're both fourteen years old and have to get parental consent. Otherwise, that nonsensical term just means that the agreement has been made by the two concerned parties but the oylam hasn't been notified. You're either engaged or you aren't, regardless of whom you informed or didn't.
I find the whole "prep for a lechayim" business bizarre, artificial, and every bit as idiotic as "I'm getting engaged tomorrow." Of course both parties should have a pretty good idea that this is in the cards; if a proposal comes as a complete surprise, something's wrong. Surprise as to time or place or manner, sure. Lots of girls like surprises. But to be caught totally unaware? No idea the guy wanted to marry you? Why were you dating? |
Your clearly not yeshivish/lakewood/ brisk type.
The question wasn't directed at you
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amother


Pink
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Mon, Jun 27 2022, 10:26 am
We were "unofficially engaged" like a week after we started dating 😂
Backstory though is that I knew my husband's family very well at this point, and so dating was almost more like a formality for us. We did wait a couple of months to get officially engaged, partly cuz I had a broken engagement a few months before we started dating and wanted to put more time between the two, partly to settle things a bit more, and partly to wait for my husband's grandparents to come into town for pesach to make it official. We didn't have a big fancy shmancy l'chaim (I don't get those, like wait for the vort 🤷🏻♀️) we did an actual l'chaim with my in-laws, my husband's grandparents, my family came over, and I think a few close friends and neighbors popped in to wish a mazel tov when they heard the news. Then we had a vort the day after pesach (my in-laws are incredible and turned over basically overnight)
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