What does it mean "getting engaged"

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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section

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amother

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 10:25 pm

I hear yeshivish girls telling friends that they're "getting engaged" and I'm confused.
If your yeshivish lakewood brisk type, can you explain?
Did you know before the proposal that he would propose that date (and lchaim was prepped before proposal) or did he propose and then you decided when you'll make it official and they're referring to the making it official?

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 10:27 pm

The couple discusses whether they are ready to get engaged, decide on a night, and parents start to prepare a l'chaim party while rhe couple go out for the official proposal.

amother

Chambray

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 10:28 pm

I knew the day that I was being proposed to. I would call that “getting engaged.” I believe that’s what these girls are referring to.

nightingale1

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 10:30 pm

Yes, I knew before. He was ready way before me so when I was ready I told him, and then our parents wanted to meet each other before he “officially” proposed. We also discussed which night would be best for a l’chaim. At that point it is pretty normal to tell your best friends, although not everyone does.

amother

Gardenia

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 10:34 pm

OP - what's your point of view?

amother

Lightgray

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 11:37 pm

I didn't know the exact day, but I knew it was coming soon, because we had discussed it. He dod tell me parents before.

Some people arrange everything before the official engagement. The rest of us spend the couple days just after getting everything in place.

amother

Chartreuse

Thu, Jun 16 2022, 11:39 pm

The shadchan is usually the one that tells the girl that the boy is thinking of it and then they discuss it. If they're Yeshivish

amother

Bone

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 10:27 am

We dropped the shadchan after our sixth date and discussed getting engaged on our seventh. I would say we were unofficially engaged at that pt. On our eighth date I remember telling him I booked our vort hall lol. He proposed a few days later on our ninth "date" (just went out for an hour or so) and we came back to the l'chaim.

amother

Eggshell

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 10:33 am

I think in the general world ppl know they are holding be engagement. Ppl talk about marriage.
It wouldn’t be fair to pop the question to a girl unless you know she is 100% ready for it.

My dh and I discussed getting engage soon. I said I wasn’t ready. But then we spoke again and I said I was.
At that point I knew we were getting engaged to him - but I want yet. We had to make the vort the next day for when he proposed for multiple logistic reasons. So it was weird preparing for something that didn’t exist yet.

Next day we had a date and we got proposed. His parents snd siblings from out of town all drove in that day. I’m so happy they knew in advance to come bec it made it so special for him to have his family there.

Sesame

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 10:53 am

Yes in these circles it’s pre-arranged

amother

Electricblue

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 10:57 am

amother [ Eggshell ] wrote:

I think in the general world ppl know they are holding be engagement. Ppl talk about marriage.
It wouldn’t be fair to pop the question to a girl unless you know she is 100% ready for it.

Definitely this. I was dating someone (Im MO). I was going to break up with guy, it wasnt working. As I call to break up with me, he says wait, what? I was planning on proposing next date. I almost fell on the floor. We had not discussed the furture at all and nothing of marriage.
One really must discuss these things before they happen. To be 100% sure guy and gal are on the same page.

amother

White

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 3:05 pm

As far as I'm concerned, a couple is engaged when one party asks the other to marry and the other party agrees. Whether or not the fact has been trumpeted to the immediate world or published in some periodical or other is meaningless. There is no such thing, to my way of thinking, as being "unoffically engaged" unless, maybe, you're both fourteen years old and have to get parental consent. Otherwise, that nonsensical term just means that the agreement has been made by the two concerned parties but the oylam hasn't been notified. You're either engaged or you aren't, regardless of whom you informed or didn't.

I find the whole "prep for a lechayim" business bizarre, artificial, and every bit as idiotic as "I'm getting engaged tomorrow." Of course both parties should have a pretty good idea that this is in the cards; if a proposal comes as a complete surprise, something's wrong. Surprise as to time or place or manner, sure. Lots of girls like surprises. But to be caught totally unaware? No idea the guy wanted to marry you? Why were you dating?

Window

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 3:11 pm

Not yeshivish, but in our world, we get engaged at the rebbes ohel. So, “getting engaged tomorrow,” means, going to the ohel tomorrow. We don’t inform anyone about the engagement until after the ohel because we want to tell the rebbe first.
Nothing to do with proposal. Actually, we don’t even necessarily propose. A lot of us just mutually agree to get married and start planning the ohel trip.
It does get awkward when the news leaks, and everyone knows, but it can’t be announced publicly because they didn’t go to the ohel yet. Like no one will wish them mazal tov. It’s kind of awkward. Usually, this happens when they have to wait for parents to fly in from out of town.

amother

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 3:19 pm

amother [ Daffodil ] wrote:

The couple discusses whether they are ready to get engaged, decide on a night, and parents start to prepare a l'chaim party while rhe couple go out for the official proposal.

And that doesn't come out awkward? They already made up so why is he asking again?

lovingmommy3417

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 3:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And that doesn't come out awkward? They already made up so why is he asking again?

No it doesn't make it awkward. It makes it special because you both know you are ready for that exciting step. I'm pretty sure it's not all that different in the non-Jewish world. They talk about what they want in the future and when they think getting married would work best.

miami85

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 4:14 pm

Not that I said anything to anyone before it was official, but when I was dating my husband, we got up to a point where if my husband didn't make a move, I was going away for a few weeks so it was "do or die time" and so he said "I guess it's time for you meet my dad"--which I knew was code word for getting engaged. But making it official would also have to involve him meeting my mom (which where I was going) so until I got home and he could meet my mom we had to remain "unofficially" engaged. Without going into particulars ours was not entirely a typical arrangement.

If a girl is saying something means she has some sort of insider information that both parents have given "their blessing" to the engagement in terms of the financial parts and all that has to happen is the official proposal.

#BestBubby

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 4:21 pm

I believe the Shadchan asks the girl if she is "ready" before the boy Proposes.

So the girl knows about and agrees in advance to the proposal.

The proposal is just a formality.

And the boy does not face rejection.

Often a girl feels "not ready" and would like to date a few more times before agreeing
to a proposal.

amother

Junglegreen

Fri, Jun 17 2022, 6:07 pm

amother [ White ] wrote:

Your clearly not yeshivish/lakewood/ brisk type.
The question wasn't directed at you

amother

Apple

Sun, Jun 19 2022, 7:26 am

I knew I was "getting engaged" the month before it happened, but I didn't know when he would propose. Only after the proposal did it become official, we announced, started planning the wedding, the parents met... but before that I knew it would happen and I could get excited Very Happy

amother

Pink

Mon, Jun 27 2022, 1:26 pm

We were "unofficially engaged" like a week after we started dating 😂
Backstory though is that I knew my husband's family very well at this point, and so dating was almost more like a formality for us. We did wait a couple of months to get officially engaged, partly cuz I had a broken engagement a few months before we started dating and wanted to put more time between the two, partly to settle things a bit more, and partly to wait for my husband's grandparents to come into town for pesach to make it official. We didn't have a big fancy shmancy l'chaim (I don't get those, like wait for the vort 🤷🏻‍♀️) we did an actual l'chaim with my in-laws, my husband's grandparents, my family came over, and I think a few close friends and neighbors popped in to wish a mazel tov when they heard the news. Then we had a vort the day after pesach (my in-laws are incredible and turned over basically overnight)

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