Growing up, was Tisha Bav miserable or inspiring?

mommy3b2c

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:21 pm

amother [ Catmint ] wrote:

Yes we had to fast even though I’m a terrible faster. I was a tiny kid and would lay on the couch the whole day in agony feeling like my insides were burning. We had to read holocaust books.
I sat on the floor a few days ago sobbing my eyes out for the pain in my life- and had tisha bav in mind. Do you think I’m yotzai?

They forced you to fast when you were not yet bas mitzvah?

amother

Maize

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:23 pm

I remember it being a sad day and lots of rules.

We werent allowed to wear our trainers , (myfather heard from someone about it being too 'comfortable')I just remember tisha bov and yom kippur as a day we checked out everyone elses footwear.

We didnt have loads of options like my kids have ,crocs, sneakers, non leather shoes.

We sat round the dining room on the floor all being shushed so the men and boys could hear the kinnos.
Funnily enough ny husband still does the same.

At the end of the fast anyone who had fasted got a really nice meal. I remember being part of the younger ones being so jelous.

Its funny, because All my childhood I just remember so many rules.
And now that im a mother we are so so lax in comparison.

My father lit wore his shirts before the 9 days for half an hour.
We always had long discussions about how we could have a bath and washing clothes.
The same with buying.

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:39 pm

I have such positive memories of Tisha B'av because I was always in Camp Sternberg . I found it so meaningful - from Eicha to Kinnos to Shiurim and special activities. Of course having a Machanayim game the last hour helped distract us from the super long super hot day. And then Rabbi Greenwald coming in to the dining room and making everyone sto eating for 10 seconds...great memories!!

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:40 pm

amother [ Papayawhip ] wrote:

You have to read the religious abuse article in mishpacha this week. It's probably wasn't only 9 av. It probably was everything else.

Do you have a link to read online? I definitely have a lot of religious trauma. I can’t open a siddur even though I speak to Hashem all the time.

amother

Blueberry

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:44 pm

Camp shoved the non stop kinnus and holocaust stories down our throat. Didn’t mean much to me. Now I have no issue watching food network and scrolling Facebook while I ignore my children. I mean I feel bad ignoring them but If the mitzvah is the fast, then I do. I’ve never felt closer to Gd by fasting. I literally just count down the hours. Which I think is 7 or so

amother

Diamond

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:48 pm

Miserable. Since I was 9 I was forced to fast. I went to shul go hear eicha and remember being hot and sweaty and having pins and needles in the lower half of my body from sitting, squashed in a corner.

Seudas hamafsekes was serious business (no words would be uttered) and I remember chowing down on tons of bread because there wasn't much food I liked before the fast.

I remember being tired, so tired, hungry, thirsty, having a migraine all day. And most of all bored. Such a long boring awful day. Once I got older, I slept basically all day.

I relaxed quite a bit with my family and kids. My oldest child asked when she would have to fast. I told her not until she is bas mitzvah. It's so hard to fast and I don't want her to suffer for nothing.

amother

Catmint

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 1:51 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

They forced you to fast when you were not yet bas mitzvah?

When I was 11. I was scrawny and underweight til about age 16. I remember the first fast that I fasted well was y”k when I was pregnant! I had those extra few lbs to tide me over.

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 2:04 pm

amother [ Diamond ] wrote:

9?
That’s actual abuse.

DreamerForever

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 2:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do you have a link to read online? I definitely have a lot of religious trauma. I can’t open a siddur even though I speak to Hashem all the time.

Here's the link. Great article.
https://mishpacha.com/shattered/

Hugs OP. It's so hard to get these vibes out your mind. It may have been less extreme in my home, but it was still pretty miserable and for years I dreaded tisha bav and erev tisha bav too.

Lately I've been thinking that besides for the warped perception of the day; my mother was probably feeling guilty that she wasn't getting that 'mourning the mikdash' mindset enough, and she projected that guilt on us, and was irritable and tense all day. Ugh, the atmosphere was yuck.

amother

Beige

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 2:33 pm

dreamerforever wrote:

Wow thank you for posting this link.

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 2:57 pm

dreamerforever wrote:

Thanks for posting this. So triggering yet so validation. My father used to force us to go to shul every Shabbos Mevarchim. One week I guess we missed it and he sat us all down and lost it on us telling us we were selfish pigs. That was one of the more extreme examples but of course there are many others. Like the constant ever persistent disappointment if you weren’t doing everything up to their standards. And I was actually a really good kid. To this day I can’t open a siddur, almost never ever step foot into a shul - sometimes maybe on Yom Kippur although I use every excuse not to. Even when my kids got older, I’d say I have kids I can’t go to shul.

And it didn’t stop when I was an adult either. I told my parents my husband was being abusive and their response was to yell at me that I didn’t want to go to the Mikva. And then these “poor” parents wonder why their kids cut them off 🙄

amother

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 3:27 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Horrible day. My father didn’t even let us read Holocaust books because the endings were “happy”.

My father makes fun of watching Holocaust movies on tisha bav since they’re “entertainment”. I might as well not be frum if I’m doing that.

amother

Salmon

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 3:30 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Horrible day. My father didn’t even let us read Holocaust books because the endings were “happy”.

I don't get it....how were the endings happy if the survivors were dealing with finding out about the probable deaths of their loved ones and being left totally homeless and usually alone....?

amother

Khaki

Sun, Aug 07 2022, 3:40 pm

Extremely interesting and sad to read. I grew up with Extreme abuse have said many stories on this website. Interestingly my mom was regular frum and never used religion as a form of abuse and that is one thing I really don’t struggle with. it is only in recent years that she became more frum that I hear about my lack of tznius as an adult. It is then I look in awe at kids that had to deal with religious abuse and anyone that had to deal with this abuse as a child I look at them in awe to be able to be frum.