When people claim they remember stuff about you..

amother

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 12:24 am

This may sound very weird, but sometimes you can be an inspiration for yourself. When you hear about things you once did, that you have no recollection of, and can't even imagine that you did it... Or maybe that just happens to me?

I'm gonna try to be coherent here. Hopefully some of you will make sense of what I'm trying to say. (To be honest, I'm not exactly sure myself what that is. )

Maybe I have terrible memory, but I am often reminded of things that I simply can't recall. And it leaves me feeling kind of like a stranger in my own body.

So today I was driving somewhere with the kids and we were stuck in a standstill in middle of a highway. I looked to my right and saw an odd thing.. The car standing next to mine had the driver's door ajar. The driver, a black woman, had her little girl sitting on her lap. In the middle of traffic.
I pointed it out to my daughter sitting next to me and we both were quite perturbed.

My daughter looked to me, kind of like asking, what are you gonna do? Like this is really dangerous.

Then I saw that the mother was wiping her baby's forehead and fanning her with a piece of paper.

Maybe she wasnt feeling well. Maybe she was nauseous. I handed my daughter a bottle of water (that we had conveniently brought along on our trip) and told her to give it to the lady. I saw the lady open the bottle and pour some of the liquid into the cap, and the baby taking a sip. Just then the traffic started to move and we drove away.

And then my daughter said, "Remember the time you saw a lady on the side of the road throwing up and you stopped to give her a bottle of water?"

No, I don't remember. I never did that. You are mixing me up with someone else. But my daughter has a far better memory than me and she insisted it did happen. Not only do I not remember such a story, but I cannot even imagine myself doing such a thing. It's so not my type.

Just last week I spoke to an old friend. I called to wish her mazel tov on her son's engagement. I said I remember when he was born. She said "yes, and you stayed with me during the bris" (because her minhag is that mothers don't attend their son's bris. )
I said, me? I don't remember this. Are you sure?
She said she was sure.
I said that I remembered her offering me kvatter for that bris, an honor we declined. She said, really? I don't remember that.

Funny how neither of us remembered what we did for the other, but clearly remembered that which was done for us.

I remember my good friend Esti from my old neighborhood. We became friends when working on a project together.

She once mentioned that she actually met me way before we became friends. She claimed that shortly after she moved to the neighborhood, she walked into a N'shei event and I approached her, said hi , introduced myself and asked her her name. I listened to her tell the story with great skepticism. Esti, I said, that wasn't me. I for sure never did that. She insisted it was. I said it's not my type of thing to do. I'm not the type to go over to newcomers and introduce myslef. I'm actually pretty shy. But she held her ground and said she could never forget it and she remembers going home afterwards and telling her husband about it. I still don't believe her but she was so sure of herself.

I'm left scratching my head because I would never do that today. I'm just not the friendly outgoing type. And I never was. If it was me, I must have been in a strange mood that day, I told her.

And this happens to me when I bump into old students. They tell me things I did as a teacher. I insist that I never did that. I was never so nice. They must be confusing me with another teacher But it gets embarrassing to deny something when several people are claiming to remember it.

Is it just me ? Do I have the worst memory on planet Earth? Or are people just fabricating stories about me?
But then, at times, I realize that even if I find it hard to believe that I once did these things, I should try to learn from my old self...take inspiration of sorts. If that makes any sense.

Hmm. We say in Unesane Tokef that Hashem records and counts and remembers all that is forgotten. Vesizkor kol hanishkachos. And then He records them into the sefer hazichronos. The things we would rather forget, He remembers. And then there are things we just forgot because life has crowded our memories and pushed them out, and it's nice to know that Hashem remembers all.

But sometimes it's also nice to be reminded of things I have forgotten by people, and that makes me realize that if I once did something nice for someone else, as much as I find it hard to believe, then perhaps I can do it again, even if it's not my type.

out-of-towner

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 12:31 am

I'm one of those people with a rather uncanny ability to remember people and random details about them. My father is like that as well. We are extremely good at the game of Jewish Geography!

I was talking to a high school teacher of mine a while back, and I was asking her about her kids. She mentioned one specific child who had been born while she was teaching me. I told her that I remember a lesson that she had discussed about waiting to give birth and she was shocked that she had said that, she totally didn't remember.

Memory is a funny thing.

dena613

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 12:47 am

My mother always reminds a certain person of a chessed they did for me years ago. I don't even remember needing that chesed done! (Although the story definitely makes sense.)

I think it's also nice when she tells this person's children and parents how wonderful she is! Smile

amother

Ginger

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 1:02 am

I don’t relate so much to the memory thing, but I think it can be good to take inspiration from yourself…sometimes I’ll think about certain things I did and hype myself up-see! You’re capable of greatness!-and it helps

amother

Celeste

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 1:02 am

Someone recently did a tremendous chesed for me. When I called to thank her she said that she was waiting for years to pay me back for what I'd done for her and she's so happy that she was finally able to pay me back! I was shocked, I had no recollection of ever doing any favor for her. But when she reminded me about that whole story it came back to me. I really had done something huge for her. But I had forgotten all about it.

amother

Thistle

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 1:12 am

I met my first grade teacher, and she asked me if I’m still an artist.

I’ve been mostly neglecting my talent for art. Which is sad. But I didn’t remember starting that far back! I thought I developed a knack when I was 10.

amother

Aconite

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 1:18 am

OP,
What a beautiful, thought provoking post.

We definitely can inspire ourselves via our past selves.

And I loved what you said about U’nesaneh Tokef.

Thank you OP

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 1:35 am

Aconite beat me to it! I second what she said. Thank you for taking the time to post, OP x

amother

Plum

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 2:47 am

You must be kinder than you think.
Truly kind people don't necessarily think about or are conscious of being kind.....it just comes naturally.

amother

Green

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 3:45 am

OP, I'm exactly like you, I sometimes really wonder if the story happened..
I was once speaking to an acquaintance and she said how she remembers meeting me when she came to my shul for something I was the only person who came over and said hello to her, I had zero recollection
People will say they remember eating by us in EY and I have no recollection at all..
I have people tell me all sorts of stories that I don't recall..

dankbar

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 7:57 am

That's because maybe you didn't invest so much while doing the chesed for you to remember, but for the other person it meant the world. Let's say for you to say hi, that's part of normal etiquette, but what if you were the only one, or yours was a warmer one than anyone else. For this newcomer, it meant a lot, knowing nobody, being self conscious, didn't know if they should ve showed up, if anybody cares, then with your hi, they felt it was worth it & it was the catalyst to start integrating into the community. For the other person, it was a big bang, so ofc they will remember it.

It really shows what a special person you are. You just did chessed out of the goodness of your heart, not even paying attention that you were doing something so great and for the right reasons not with cheshbonos of getting something back, or making you feel good or that people should look up to you......just part of your being.

dankbar

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 8:02 am

I am happy people are remembering only good stuff about you.....the thread title made me think people remember bad stuff about you, which you don't recall......what would you do then.

Why can't you see that you would provide a water bottle to someone that needed it......if you just did the same thing again?

mushkamothers

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 8:27 am

I think the moral of the story is that things we think are no big deal, mean a lot to the people who received them as kindness.

amother

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 9:06 am

Thanks to all of you who took the time to read my ramblings. I wasn't sure what I was trying to say when I started. I am always so thrown by my memory loss. It just feels very disorienting to be told things about oneself that I have no memory of at all.

But I think Dankbar and Mushkamothers hit the nail on the head. The giver will rarely bank that memory because it is no big deal, while it may be a big deal to the receiver, who will always remember it.

Dankbar- What happened yesterday was what got me thinking. Because when my daughter mentioned she remembers me giving a sick woman water at the side of the road , I denied it, and moreover, couldn't even see imagine doing such a thing. But since this other incident literally just happened seconds earlier , I kind of had "proof" thay maybe it's not so far-fetched.

Maybe, when I'm faced with a situation like that, I could be kind, even if I don't see myself as that type of person. ( I mean, I think of myself as someone who is happy to help if someone asks me for a favor, but I'm not the volunteering type of kind, which is a different level.)

About people remembering bad things- well if they do, they don't tell me about them. I think people don't generally go over to other people and tell them bad things about themselves. It's just socially off.

ShishKabob

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 11:32 am

Great posts op! Thank you! Are you the kugel lady?

iyar

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 12:29 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

Great posts op! Thank you! Are you the kugel lady?

Ha!
Brilliant deduction Sherlock Very Happy

Now you got me wondering...

amother

Coffee

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 2:37 pm

The recipients are the ones who SHOULD remember.

amother

Mon, Aug 29 2022, 11:03 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

Great posts op! Thank you! Are you the kugel lady?

amother

Currant

Tue, Aug 30 2022, 12:33 am

Sury is a very close friend of mine. Thinking of what became of her shocks me. Sury grew up in a very dysfunctional home. She had poor hygiene, didn't do well in school....etc...I always felt very sorry for her and tried my best being nice to her. Bh sury married very well and took a 360 degree turn. It's been over 20 years since we left high school and she is doing amazingly. It's unbelievable.

A few years ago, while having lunch together with Sury, sury asks me if I really had patience walking home from school with her every single day throughout high school. I didn't know what to answer her because I have absolutely no memory of it.

amother

Tue, Aug 30 2022, 1:38 am

amother Currant wrote:

Wow! What a story!
Interestingly, I know a similar story of a "Sury" exactly like the one you described. The coolest girl in the class, "Dena," decided to befriend her, and changed her life. She started by teaching her about eating healthy. Sury lost weight and started feeling great about herself. Her terrible acne cleared up. Dena taught Sury how to use deodorant. She brought Sury into her own cirlce of friends. In time this "Sury" became like everyone else. She is long married now (yes, more than 20 years post high school) and AFAIk, is doing amazingly.

In fact, I am wondering if we are talking about the same Sury. If you are the friend who changed this girl's life, you may not remember it, but everyone else does. I can't tell you how many times I have thought of Dena over the years and how I imagine the reward awaiting her in the next world.