Getting her to sleep not in my bed

amother

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 11:39 pm

My youngest (6) is not a good sleeper. She wakes up in the middle of the night (even if she takes melatonin before bedtime) and comes into my bed. It’s gotten to the point where I really need her out. I’ve tried multiple times over the years, but if never stuck. So we decided to try again this week. Monday night she ended up in my son’s bed. I didn’t know until the morning, but I told her that’s not ok. (He’s a teenager) We set up a mattress for her in his room, on the floor, but she can’t be in his bed. Tuesday night she went into his room and went on her mattress. Then came Wednesday night. She woke up a little before 2 and was crying outside my room. (Oh, I forgot to mention that my husband went out of town Tuesday, and won’t be back until next week. Monday night he dealt with her. She cried outside our room for about 15 minutes, and then went into teenager’s room.) I went to talk to her, then came back to my room to go to the bathroom. When I came out, teen daughter was in the hallway yelling about how it’s not fair, and she can’t sleep, and she has to stop right this minute. I told her it will be like this hopefully only for a few nights, and then little daughter will get used to it and it won’t be an issue anymore. I went back into my room, and I thought teen daughter did too. Next thing I know, I hear teen daughter telling little daughter that if she doesn’t stop, she’s going to put her outside!! Suffice it to say, that did not go over well, and only made little daughter scream louder. Little daughter is now sleeping soundly in my husband’s bed, and we are back to square one tomorrow night :-(
Does anyone have any suggestions? I can’t hav teen daughter undoing this again every time I try, but I do realize how hard it is for my other kids when little daughter is screaming in the middle of of the night. What am I supposed to do???

amother

Lightcyan

Wed, Sep 14 2022, 11:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

I understand that you really want her to stop sleeping in your bed, or other kids beds, but I don't think putting a mattress on the floor of your teenager's room is appropriate. Why not put the mattress on the floor of your room, next to your bed? Why should her sleep challenges be upsetting the rest of the household and other kids? I think you can gradually wean her off sleeping in your bed but it can be done in a way that's not disruptive to the rest of your household.
I had similar difficulties with my son, and there wasn't room on the floor of my room to put a mattress for him, but we slowly weaned him off coming into our room by taking him back to his bed and lying with him there until he fell back asleep each and every time he did it. It took a bit of time, and was obviously more effort on my part, but it worked.

amother

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 12:04 am

amother Lightcyan wrote:

We have tried all of that already. I bought her a special mattress (that she picked out- it’s an air mattress with an putter part that a unicorn.) I can’t have her in my room because then she just ends up in my bed. I’ve tried taking her back to her bed, teen daughter always gets upset that she is making noise. They share a room (we don’t have another one right now.)

SG18

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 12:10 am

amother Lightcyan wrote:

I agree with this. As a teenager, my younger sister had trouble sleeping alone and my parents' solution was for her to sleep in my room. There is a significant age gap, and it was really difficult for me to have compassion when I needed to be quiet in my room starting early in the evening, when I was in high school and had a lot I was used to getting done late at night.
It isn't fair to your older children for this to be a family issue. Especially if this has been going on for a while without having really been dealt with. As the parent, you need to teach her that she has her own bed, in her own room. Put her on your floor if you feel like it's necessary, for weaning purposes. Every time she comes into your bed, kick her out.
Or you can sit in her room until she falls asleep, bringing her back every time she wakes up.
I have a toddler and this is what I'm doing now. It takes a while, and it isn't fun, but it's important for everyone in your family.

amother

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 12:39 am

It wasn’t my idea to put her in teen son’s room. I was not happy that she ended up there in the first place, but I didn’t know until the morning. We’ve been dealing with this for years. The most success we’ve ever had is maybe a week, and then she’s right back in my room. I have tried walking her back, staying with her, sleeping in her bed the whole night…not sure why you guys think this hasn’t been addressed until now. I think part of the problem the last two nights is that I am the one who had to handle it, because my husband was away. When she sees me, all bets are off. If she knows I’m not an option, maybe it would be easier.
I don’t think it’s fair to my other children that they should be disrupted, but how do I get her into her own bed (in a shared room, on a floor where all the bedrooms are near each other) without disrupting anyone else?

amother

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 12:50 am

SG18 wrote:

I didn't mean to imply that you haven't been trying to deal with this. The point was that every time she comes into your room, take her back to bed. If it works for a week, but the next Tuesday she's back, bring her back to her room then. It needs to be done every time until it sticks. She can't ever be in your bed at night if this is how attached she is. It just undoes all of the progress to backslide.
Can the daughter who shares a room with her sleep in another room until she's sleeping normally?

We don’t have another room for her to go into. I’m really just at a loss now, I don’t know how to make it work without it negatively affecting my other kids. I know she can’t be in my room, but at this point I don’t know what else to try.

amother

Glitter

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 2:33 am

So I will tell you what I did for my daughter (4) but she is really not an attached child, she is super independent so it worked from day one, it might not work for you but worth a try.

First I sat down to have a conversation with her. I asked her why she comes into my bed at night. She said that she's "scared" So I spoke to her about Hashem and how he watches over her at night and sang her Benny Friedmans Bshem Hashem and translated it for her so she understands that there are angels and Hashem watching over her all night. I told her that I love her so much but when she come into my bed at night I am tired the next day and I know that she hates when I'm too tired to play with her.

Then I made her a chart, with 40 circles and got cute sparkly dot stickers. Every morning that she wakes up in her own bed she can put a sticker. At the end of 40 days, she will get something special that she's been begging me for a long time.

I sing to her Bshem Hashem every night and stay with her in bed holding her hand until she falls asleep.

She's only been in my bed once since (2 weeks in) and it was different- she stood by my bed and whispered till I woke up then asked my permission and I told her she won't be able to get a sticker she said okay.

Hope this was helpful....

amother

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 3:56 am

amother Glitter wrote:

At this point I’m really willing to try anything. (Just FYI- I believe that song was composed by Marc Levine, and Benny Friedman sings it. I don’t think it’s his song.)

BrisketBoss

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 7:22 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

Can you speak to her about why she wants to come to your room? If she is coming because she wants to be with you, maybe you can reward her in the morning with special time together in your bed or on the couch etc. if she stayed in her own bed all night.

The key is finding out why she is doing this, and then offering her a better version of that, at a time that works for you.

I would personally modify this to be more collaborative. Ask her why until you're sure you have all of her concerns, explain why the current situation isn't working for you, invite her to think of a way that her concerns and yours can all be addressed in a realistic and mutually satisfactory manner. By the time a child is 5 or 6 years old, they are often pretty good at thinking of solutions in this way.

amother

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 8:25 am

justforfun87 wrote:

My kids all did this and eventually grew out of it. My 6yr old still comes in my bed and I am ok with it and think it is sweet as long as she goes to sleep in her bed. Maybe she needs the comfort? Why are you absolutely refusing for her to come in your bed?

1. Because she sleeps in me, on me, against me….
2. It encroaches on my time with my husband, if she comes in “early” enough….
3. My husband doesn’t appreciate having her in our room, even when it doesn’t encroach on our time together….
4. I feel like it’s just one more place where she is super attached….
5. I am having a baby in a few months, and I can’t have both of them in my room at the same time….
Should I keep going?

amother

Thu, Sep 15 2022, 8:27 am

amother RosePink wrote:

Why is she ok with sleeping with your son but not your daughter? Honestly, I feel bad for the older daughter. She needs sleep and is going to resent the 6 year old.

I feel bad for all of them!! I asked her about it this morning, on the way to school. She told me she doesn’t like the sound machine my older daughter puts on. That doesn’t make sense though, because we have a sound machine in our room too, and it’s set to the same sound. I really think it’s an attachment thing….
Edit: I discovered this morning that the reason she wants to be in my son’s room is because when she comes in crying, he will give her his iPod….I made it clear to her this morning that his room isn’t an option anymore. She can go back to her bed, or she can go downstairs to the couch.