Would you be happy to host this family?

amother

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 11:32 pm

Dh knows a family with 3 small children.
Over the years since the couple got married, we had them over for shabbos or yomtov.
It’s been getting harder for me to have them as their family grows.
The house becomes messy. I have to prepare lots more food. I’m usually the only one serving and cleaning up. My kids are elementary school age and usually too tired and don’t offer to help. (yes, they should help and they do when I’m very firm with them.. but that’s a separate issue) The wife of the other family is usually busy with her kids. My husband is not the type who is able to do much in the kitchen so he sits by the table and makes conversation or sings.
Basically the last year I started feeling resentful. It’s so much extra work for me. I’m past baby stage and we’re not a baby/toddler house anymore. The wife is so much younger than I am. Dh really enjoys being able to host this particular family. I was holding my breath the last 2 weeks hoping they wouldn’t want to come for rosh hashana. I didn’t hear from them and started preparing my menu for my family. I shopped today. I checked my freezer and realized I have just enough soup and challah for us which is good. Tonight dh told me they asked him if they can come. That means replanning everything and much more work. That means I don’t have enough soup and challah in the freezer. The one piece of meat I bought will not be enough. The one package of chicken cutlets isn’t enough. I’m upset with myself for making such a big deal. I wish hosting would be easier for me. I don’t like having people sleep in my house for a few days. We don’t have a guest room so we have to shift kids around. Their kids wake up early and make lots of noise which wakes us all up. I know I’m complaining a lot… I feel bad. It used to be easier for me to host them . It’s really hard on me now. Are these feeling justified?

amother

Lemon

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 11:37 pm

Ofcourse! It’s hard when anything in life is one sided.

I think it’s helpful to not think of it if “is it hard or is it possible” in general. Rather- “ is it too hard right now”.

It sounds like you feel burnt out and it takes a toll on your kids as well. You have most of yt prepped if they don’t come. Why don’t you decline this time and then see about next time when it comes?

amother

Bronze

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 11:55 pm

Your feelings are definitely justified.

Can DH take on some of the tasks so you feel less resentful, since it sounds like you would be doing it mainly for him?

If not, it might be time to retire this particular chesed and seek out other opportunities to give to others.

It's good to stretch a little, but if this is leading to resentment it may be a sign that you're trying to stretch too far.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Sep 19 2022, 12:26 am

Just my 2cents

2 issues here:

1. There's a family that's hard to host. You would be 100% justified in telling them "sorry, we are moving away feom the hosting stage in our lives", except

2. It sounds like your DH really wants to host them. Have a talk with him to see how he really feels. If he's just doing it because he feels obliged, IMO you need to talk him out of feeling obliged. Let him know it's a lot of extra work for you and you want to stop. However, if having this family over really enhances his holiday experience, then IMO you should compromise and not just say NO. Let him know how much work you are willing to do and how much you want him to do if he wants to invite them again (for example, he does the shopping and cooking for RH, you do the serving and cleaning up).

You may be obligated to hosting this one last time, but if you and DH don't make an agreement, you can mention at the end of their visit "we have enjoyed having yoy so mich over the years, but we have decided that from now on we won't be doing any more hosting -- at least for a while. Just to give you a heads up!".

Cheiny

Mon, Sep 19 2022, 12:31 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes. It’s not a mitzvah if it’s going to make your YT hard, unenjoyable, resentful, overworked, etc.

Be kind to yourself and say you’re sorry but you can’t this time.

amother

Snow

Mon, Sep 19 2022, 3:28 am

Can you ask her to make some of the food for YT?
I know this is culturally dependent, but where we live, it is really common for someone coming with a whole family for all of Yom Tov to offer (or expect) to help out by bringing some of the food.
I always offer to make a few menu items if we are invited, even if it is for just a Shabbat meal, but even more so if we were going to be someone's house guests for all of chag.
It wouldn't only make it easier, I suspect it would make you feel less taken advantage of.
You aren't running a hotel.

salt

Mon, Sep 19 2022, 3:48 am

Is there a specific reason why this family needs hosting? eg. BTs with no family, or been through difficult times, or something like that?
If you have a special influence on them, I'd try to invite them every now and then - not as much as you used to when they were just a couple.
Even if it's once a year.
And I agree with the poster who suggests you ask them to contribute by bringing some dishes.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Sep 19 2022, 4:10 am

I feel for you Op.
Feeling like we are saying no to a request like hosting especially when our dh wants to say yes can feel conflicting.
Its not about whether someone else would or its easy for them or so on.
You are very clear that you do not want to do so at this time and that the work of it falls on you, that it felt like too much last year, and don't want to do it again this year.
I would answer differently were it dh's parents or a different situation.
I would say that it is not going to work this year.
Ksiva v'chasima tova

rachelli66

Mon, Sep 19 2022, 5:14 am

OP you sound like an amazing friend having this family over many times. First, it's great that you are aware of your feelings. I think that's a huge step, (and one I wished I was more aware of when I was younger). From what I understood as I read your post is they come for a meal. But after I read again, I understood they are sleeping over and by you for both meals. First is to be on the same page as DH. No sleepover company. (unless you really want to) I don't think you need to move your children around to host a family of 5. (again unless you really want to) You can tell them they need to find a place for sleeping. They need to find it, Not you or DH. They need to be responsible for an apt. they take and return neat. Not you. They can also bring a few sides, challah, Kiddush wine, other things. Prices have gone up and food costs $. They probably feel very close to you, but as we grow we have different needs. These are your needs now.

salt

Mon, Sep 19 2022, 5:15 am

moonstone wrote:

They asked if their family can come to you for 2 days? To me, that is such chutzpah! You're allowed to say no. Just say no!

She's allowed to say no.
But how do you know it's chutzpa.
How do you know how they asked. And how do you know what their relationship is. And how do you know the reason why OP hosts them, and if they have hosted them happily till now, why is it suddenly considered a chutzpa to ask again.
Of course, assume they ask politely and they are on good terms, etc etc.
I assume they don't just turn up on the doorstep, and I assume there is some relationship here, and that there is a particular reason why OP hosts this family.

amother

Mon, Sep 19 2022, 5:30 am

Dh used to learn with the husband. He feels like a big brother to him. They don’t have frum family to go to but I know that over the years they met many couples in their age bracket. It’s like they come to us the way young couples go to their parents. Only we aren’t their parents. I find myself getting annoyed with their kids sometimes (but I don’t show it). I hope with my own grandchildren one day I won’t feel like that.
Maybe what bothers me is that she didn’t even ask me. She had her husband ask my husband. Honestly it’s just a lot of work and a big mess at the end. I feel like it all falls on me.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Sep 19 2022, 5:38 am

While I understand their wish to come there comes a time in almost everyone's life when needs change and when people realize they need to make their own Y"T. Part of necessary growth and change of natural flow of life. Dh can meet up with him or learn with him or otherwise keep up the relationship without necessarily having to say yes to their request to come for a two day Y"T. Maybe you will both decide upon a shabbos you might want to invite them. However, if it is too much at this time to shuffle your kids that is legit too. You or he can give as little or as much of an explanation as you wish. None is necessary. Just a warm "it won't work out this year" and so on is enough.
There is no shame in accepting that both your families have grown and you aren't accommodating sleep over guests at this time. Nothing personal.