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Dear mother staying home on Yom Kippur
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 8:03 pm
I want to share this here...and yes some women wish they could be stuck at home with kids. We all have our own hard.


Dear Mother Staying Home on Yom Kippur,

I see you, waving a cheery goodbye at the men as they leave for shul early in the morning and then sinking down on the couch and wondering just how you’ll get through the day that stretches ahead. It’s Yom Kippur, and you’re spending it at home.

The day is an endless blur of diapers and snacks, punctuated with wails and tantrums. Time is passing, which is good, but it’s also bad, because it’s the holiest day on the calendar and it feels like any other.

If you’re lucky, and the naps line up just so and you find a quiet moment, you may be able to sit down with a machzor.

You might open it and then, startled awake by calling from the crib, realize that you never even turned a page.

Or you might get through some familiar tefilos, humming the songs that inspired you as a child and moved you as a young adult. Now, the words feel flat and your mind wanders.

The clock strikes the most crucial moments of the year: Kol Nidrei. Ne’ilah. You are deep in bedtime, singing and shushing and patting just as you do on any weeknight.

It feels nothing like the Yom Kippur you’ve always known, when you went to shul, felt part of a nation, and reveled in the solemnity. Now it’s just you and babies.

Now, if you feel like crying, it's not because of the chazzan's heart-rending tunes.

Yours is the lost cry of a woman who doesn’t know what she’s doing or how she found herself here.
It’s the guilty admission of someone who can’t find connection.

It’s resentment and annoyance that you’re the one stuck at home.

It’s despair and sadness that your lifelong identity with the day has been stripped away.

Dear mother… Please know that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

(It's too long to post it all here)
Read the full letter in your inbox
https://exceptional-leader-212.....963b4

And listen to 20min podcast discussing the concepts further
https://open.spotify.com/show/.....-link
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lemondrop




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 8:05 pm
Mushka I loved it so much I fwd it to a few of my friends and 2 seminary teachers Im still in touch with. Beautiful and very very inspiring
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hodeez




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 8:06 pm
I could cry. I haven't been to shul on YK since Shana rishona. Bh for good reasons but before I was married I went for hours on YK. Thank you Hashem I now have diapers to change and card games to facilitate and snot to wipe.
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 9:44 pm
lemondrop wrote:
Mushka I loved it so much I fwd it to a few of my friends and 2 seminary teachers Im still in touch with. Beautiful and very very inspiring


Aw thank you for sharing that
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 9:45 pm
hodeez wrote:
I could cry. I haven't been to shul on YK since Shana rishona. Bh for good reasons but before I was married I went for hours on YK. Thank you Hashem I now have diapers to change and card games to facilitate and snot to wipe.


I think this is a really big transition that doesn't really get airtime. It's really a huge and sudden loss of identity. I mentioned that on the podcast. You have to find a new spiritual identity and that, coupled with just the mundane caretaking, can be very hard
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amother




Ecru
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 9:52 pm
I heard a beautiful idea.
One of the ways with which we can combat Emes/Din is by Chessed(/Rachamim). What better way to spend Yom Kippur then by constantly doing chessed/rachamim?
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amother




Snapdragon
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 9:54 pm
You are 100% right. But, this is the problem I see. For those of us that are full time SAHM then yes it's a continuation. But for a lot of us that are sending our babies out while we work, suddenly Yomim Noraim my tafkid is to stay home? Where are we the whole year?

Anon because I've been saying this for years. I b'h am just about outgrowing this stage. But this was me for over 20 years so I put in my childraising time.
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amother




Oleander
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 10:32 pm
Thank you. The part about an essence relationship really struck a chord. When my uncle died. I didn't go to the levaya. I stayed home and watched his grandchildren who had never spent a day with a babysitter. It felt more important to be with them. I was so sad for my cousin and I also wanted to grieve his loss. But the baby needed to be loved and cared for and I just knew I was the one that had to do it. I'm so glad I did. And it made me feel the importance of an essence relationship. Making the connection between our job as mother's to an essence relationship was exactly what I need to read.
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 10:46 pm
amother Snapdragon wrote:
You are 100% right. But, this is the problem I see. For those of us that are full time SAHM then yes it's a continuation. But for a lot of us that are sending our babies out while we work, suddenly Yomim Noraim my tafkid is to stay home? Where are we the whole year?

Anon because I've been saying this for years. I b'h am just about outgrowing this stage. But this was me for over 20 years so I put in my childraising time.


I don't think it's a SAHM vs working mom thing. (Although, the lesson taken from the story of Chana by the lubavitcher rebbe was that women shouldn't work for the sake of it ie to be as strong as a man - not for finances but for the sake of feminism.)

If you have childcare in place the other 364 days a year, and it's also available on Yom Kippur, then knock yourself out and go to shul. That's just not the reality for a lot of people even for working women. When I worked full time I was also still the one staying home on YK just like I stayed home on a regular shabbos. You can bet my regular babysitter wasn't open on YK.
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 10:48 pm
amother Oleander wrote:
Thank you. The part about an essence relationship really struck a chord. When my uncle died. I didn't go to the levaya. I stayed home and watched his grandchildren who had never spent a day with a babysitter. It felt more important to be with them. I was so sad for my cousin and I also wanted to grieve his loss. But the baby needed to be loved and cared for and I just knew I was the one that had to do it. I'm so glad I did. And it made me feel the importance of an essence relationship. Making the connection between our job as mother's to an essence relationship was exactly what I need to read.


Exactly - a sad example but a perfect one. I'm glad this could bring you comfort
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amother




Dill
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2022, 11:12 pm
mushkamothers wrote:
I don't think it's a SAHM vs working mom thing. (Although, the lesson taken from the story of Chana by the lubavitcher rebbe was that women shouldn't work for the sake of it ie to be as strong as a man - not for finances but for the sake of feminism.)

If you have childcare in place the other 364 days a year, and it's also available on Yom Kippur, then knock yourself out and go to shul. That's just not the reality for a lot of people even for working women. When I worked full time I was also still the one staying home on YK just like I stayed home on a regular shabbos. You can bet my regular babysitter wasn't open on YK.


this. I jokingly asked my babysitter today when I picked up my baby, if she's working on YK and willing to watch my baby. I told her id love to go to shul and would be very happy to find a babysitter for a few hours.
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flowerpower




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:09 am
The park is full of nannies Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipper. Just sayin’
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:12 am
I feel like if we were meant to take great care of our kids on yom kippur we wouldn’t be required to fast. this is honestly a struggle for me. I don’t fast well, I can’t neglect my children. it’s hard to get childcare help for the entire day and it’s just challenging and stressful to figure out how it’s all gonna work out. I stayed home before I was a mom but now I feel worried about how much attention I can give my kids at home while fasting
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:16 am
flowerpower wrote:
The park is full of nannies Rosh Hashana and Yom Kipper. Just sayin’


Not where I live. This is so dependent on your demographic. But really my point is to reframe the avodah of what a mom of young kids is supposed to be doing
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amother




Gladiolus
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:17 am
Thanks for thread.
This story resonates with me.
The king is setting a date where all the people can come and talk to him and he will grant them what they want. There are long long lines of people waiting for their turn... A young woman is waiting on line and when it is finally her turn the king is very angry at her. He started yelling at her. Everyone is so surprised until the king explained that that women is his kids nanny. Why is she here on line? Who is taking care of his kids? And of course he would've granted her wish anyway, she is watching his kids!

Self explanatory nimshal
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:17 am
tichellady wrote:
I feel like if we were meant to take great care of our kids on yom kippur we wouldn’t be required to fast. this is honestly a struggle for me. I don’t fast well, I can’t neglect my children. it’s hard to get childcare help for the entire day and it’s just challenging and stressful to figure out how it’s all gonna work out. I stayed home before I was a mom but now I feel worried about how much attention I can give my kids at home while fasting


True but let's take one more thing off your plate- the davening and the inspiration. Like fasting everyone has to do (baseline default unless you get a heter)
You don't also have to think you belong in shul reading the whole machzor. That's what I'm offering here
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:19 am
amother Gladiolus wrote:
Thanks for thread.
This story resonates with me.
The king is setting a date where all the people can come and talk to him and he will grant them what they want. There are long long lines of people waiting for their turn... A young woman is waiting on line and when it is finally her turn the king is very angry at her. He started yelling at her. Everyone is so surprised until the king explained that that women is his kids nanny. Why is she here on line? Who is taking care of his kids? And of course he would've granted her wish anyway, she is watching his kids!

Self explanatory nimshal


Yep I mentioned this story in the podcast. If you're the royal nanny you better be with the kids... not at the party...
The question then becomes how are you supposed to feel the spirit of the day if you can't partake in it
And that's why I explained the essence / external point
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amother




Gladiolus
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:23 am
mushkamothers wrote:
Yep I mentioned this story in the podcast. If you're the royal nanny you better be with the kids... not at the party...
The question then becomes how are you supposed to feel the spirit of the day if you can't partake in it
And that's why I explained the essence / external point


sorry for adding this then. I have to admit that I didn't listen to it... yet, I appreciated this topic being discussed here.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:27 am
Thank you Mushka, for your most beautifully written words.
I appreciate them so much.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2022, 12:29 am
amother Gladiolus wrote:
sorry for adding this then. I have to admit that I didn't listen to it... yet, I appreciated this topic being discussed here.

Thank you for adding it - I can't access the podcast (very filtered internet), so I appreciated reading that as well!
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