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18 year old daughter says 'she cant' keep her stuff neat
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 7:14 am
so my daughter has her own bedroom
a closet
a six drawer chest
a night table
a desk

AND IT'S A MESS


and it's driving me NUTS

she works 9-5 so when she's home all she does is chill

if you don't care enough about your stuff to take care of it please help me understand my daughter

I don't know why it's so triggering - maybe cuz of my upbringing -
but it's almost like I look at her as 'less than because of the way she keeps [doesnt] her stuff

B'h I dont harrass her!!! However - it really really bothers me
all insight or advice appreciated

I am worried how she'll juggle life when she gets married
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 7:19 am
OOC, does she cook, and if so, how does she leave things when she's done?
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Not_in_my_town




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 7:21 am
I was the same way. I always had to move a pile of clothes off my bed before sleeping...

And yet, once I got married, my house was spotless... until the kids came along, and then it was more of a struggle... but it is for most.

Pride in her own home and the desire to impress her husband will do wonders. Dont worry.
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amother




Wheat
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 7:23 am
I never look into my 20 year old daughters room. That's the only way to cope. She has to do her own laundry.
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amother




DarkGreen
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 7:34 am
Just close the door. Her mess is her problem.
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imaima




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 7:51 am
amother OP wrote:
so my daughter has her own bedroom
a closet
a six drawer chest
a night table
a desk

AND IT'S A MESS


and it's driving me NUTS

she works 9-5 so when she's home all she does is chill

if you don't care enough about your stuff to take care of it please help me understand my daughter

I don't know why it's so triggering - maybe cuz of my upbringing -
but it's almost like I look at her as 'less than because of the way she keeps [doesnt] her stuff

B'h I dont harrass her!!! However - it really really bothers me
all insight or advice appreciated

I am worried how she'll juggle life when she gets married


I was like that and my mom was harassing about it
Now our relationship is bad

I still have messes and that’s my life:)
If she is old enough to hold down a job she can figure out her room
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 8:04 am
imasinger wrote:
OOC, does she cook, and if so, how does she leave things when she's done?


yes
it's messy
Sad
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amother




Wandflower
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 8:09 am
She says she can't
So why don't you believer her
Bet you struggles with executive functioning skills

Also, close the door and ignore the mess
Shes 18, you lost your chance to force her to clean up her room
Your own issues have nothing to do with her

If you want to help her, teach her how to have exec skills
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amother




Nemesia
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 8:15 am
Is this a new issue? How was she with organizing when she was younger?

Some people genuinely struggle with organizational skills but it's usually not something that starts at the age of 18.

I have always struggled with this, since I was a kid. It's possible to help her develop better habits, hut at her age it really needs to be something she wants. It could be she has no interest or that she just doesn't know where to start.

One thing is very important though: leave judgement out of it. I'm sure your daughter has many other amazing talents and this is just something certain people struggle with.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 8:23 am
Probably best not to completely ignore, since if it's a problem all over the house, she may eventually have issues at work as well.

I'll offer a little more specific than "work on executive functioning".

Help her break it down, and help her think about time.

Don't talk about her room, she'll get upset. But you can talk about public spaces, like the kitchen, and it may begin to carry over.

1. Help her plan. If she's cooking, remind her to factor in clean up time.

2. Use visual reminders. You can post signs --"if you used it, you clean it and put it away". You can help her create and use a list on screen or paper.

3. Praise all success -- "this cake is delicious, and I was so pleased to find the pan put away (even if the mixer and counters were a mess, the time to say something is right before the next baking, not now).

4. Model. Talk about your plans and your day, so she sees how and when you make time to clean up. Show her whatever organizing tools you use.

5. Offer her a time and task limited exchange. "I was thinking I'd clean the dining room today, and work goes so much better with company, if you'd give me 20 minutes of help at any point, I'd set 20 minutes of time to help you get your stuff better cleaned or organized."

Hatzlacha!
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 8:37 am
amother Wandflower wrote:
She says she can't
So why don't you believer her
Bet you struggles with executive functioning skills

Also, close the door and ignore the mess
Shes 18, you lost your chance to force her to clean up her room
Your own issues have nothing to do with her

If you want to help her, teach her how to have exec skills


how does forcing help?!
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amother




Wandflower
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 8:44 am
amother OP wrote:
how does forcing help?!


Uhhh it doesn't
That's exactly my point
Shes not 3 years old
Sorry that ship sailed. Her room her mess. Unless it's in a common area, ignore it.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 8:47 am
but are you insinuating that if I'd force her she'd be neat now?!
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amother




Wandflower
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 8:49 am
amother OP wrote:
but are you insinuating that if I'd force her she'd be neat now?!


No... I'm not sure why you don't understand my point
Someone who lacks these brain skills won't have them at any age
The time to have stepped in was 18 years ago, yes
To teach her not to force her
And also, she's not 3 you can't start demanding she clean her room. Did you just think she'd grow up and magically be able to take care of her stuff and now that she's 18 you can't handle it?
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Aylat




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 9:12 am
OP, sounds like there are 3 issues for you: 1) personally disliking mess and being triggered by it, 2) judging messy people as 'less than' and 3) worrying about your daughter's future.

1) Totally legitimate to have personal preferences. Don't look inside your daughter's room since it bothers you. Politely and nicely set boundaries when her mess spills over to public areas of the house (eg pls can all personal belongings in the lounge be taken upstairs by 9pm, coats and outside paraphernalia be put in designated places as soon as you get home). Make it general house rules rather than singling her out.

2) I was and am a messy person - clothes and papers all over my room as a teen and now. Not a great trait, I know. I do have many strengths though - I'm creative, laid-back and cheerful, empathetic, good at interpersonal relationships, very logical thinker, and so on. I'm sure your daughter has a lot of strengths and aspects to her personality that make her a good friend, valued employee, and overall, a person who has a lot to contribute to the world. We're not 'less than' because our weakness is the opposite of your strength (and is very visible).

3) Don't worry. I function fine at work and as a wife, mother and household manager. Yes, there are aspects that I have to work hard on - the creative and interpersonal aspects of my job come easily to me and I am valued by my employer because of them. I have to work harder on the organisational aspects, and I do get better at that each year. Ditto the creative vs organisational sides of parenting. Over the years I've learned hacks that work for me. I also have learned to look at tidying as a ben adam l'chavero issue - I put in the effort to keep things neat(ish) out of love for my DH (mess drives him crazy) and chesed for my kids to give them a non-chaotic upbringing. Again, everyone has things they're better at and things they work on, and tidyness is mine.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 9:40 am
Not_in_my_town wrote:
.

Pride in her own home and the desire to impress her husband will do wonders. .


Or it won't. Having one's own place, with or without benefit of marriage, does, in some cases, turn an I-don't-care slob into a balabos/teh, but not always. The difference is that when dd moves out, her mess will be her own problem and no longer in her mother's face.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 9:47 am
I was that way and when I got married, I completely changed! It just happened right away, my new life came with some new personality changes (for the better) My home is neat and clean inside out!
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amother




Babyblue
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 10:02 am
Wow! this could have been my post.
I try not to nag... and keep her door closed.
Luckily for me, her sister offered to help her sort through her stuff.
They spent hours just getting a small part done, but that partially motivated her to continue on her own.

Sometimes the mess gets so overwhelming it is so hard to find a spot to start in.

That could be why getting married gives them a fresh clean start, they really can do it, but when it is beyond messy it feels helpless, endless.
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amother




Oleander
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 11:47 am
DD is 23. She can't keep her room clean at all. It's really bothering me but there's nothing I can do. We moved to a new house a few years ago and she has a nice closet and her stuff is all over the place and the closet is half empty.
I'm just waiting it out til she moves out or gets married and I will make her room into a guest room.

She doesn't cook at all. When she makes a sandwich for herself, the remnants are all over the counter.
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dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 12:21 pm
She could have ADD/Adhd

Maybe help her sort thru the mess to Jumpstart her or hire an organizer to start the process.
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