Should an adult child living at home contribute financially?

amother

Begonia

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 8:22 am

essie14 wrote:

It's not sad. It's completely normal in most Western circles to be an independent adult before you get married. I can't imagine living at home and getting married so young before a person is a functional adult. I find it sad that parents push young marriage on children and don't encourage them to grow up and be independent before they get married.

I still don't think it's a good idea to push kids out of their house. A person can still be very functional and ready for marriage even while living at home with their parents. If there's a specific reason to be elsewhere, it is understandable why an adult single child would live on their own, but to move out just because now you're X age and should be independent doesn't make sense to me.

amother

Aster

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 8:32 am

My son of similar age still lives at home, he is working and in school. He helps at home, he runs errands, but doesn't contribute financially. He has expressed appreciation many times for our generosity to him as his friends ARE paying rent and expenses, while he can save his earnings for the future.
I feel that OP wouldn't be asking this question if her DC wouldn't be taking this as a free ride. Perhaps she's feeling used especially since she works hard and is financially strapped.
I agree with others here that you should request a minimum amount of money and help from your DC.

ShishKabob

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 11:55 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes, the only reason DC has amassed a nice amount of savings (I think around 200k; possibly more -- I didn't ask) is due to working for several years while living at home. I am happy for DC but I feel it would be more fair to contribute towards the family expenses, especially when you see that your parents are not having an easy time.

This, while it's uncomfortable to ask a child for money, no parent wants to do that, sometimes if a child is clueless you have to open their eyes. You can tell him that you admire the fact that he is into saving for his house and it's a good thing to do. You can also tell him, that the direct outcome of the fact that he lives in your house is that your expenses are higher, ex; groceries which would last you a week if only you and your dh are home are only lasting you half a week, utilities would be less and so on. You can give him the option of shopping for his own groceries, toiletries etc. Or you can come to an agreement of how much he should contribute monthly in order to earn his keep so to speak.

Imnsho, an adult child that sees his parents struggling and doesn't attempt to ease their burden and is just into saving their money, is plain old fashioned selfish. Otoh, maybe this child doesn't 'see' and needs to be clued in as to what is going on.

Hugs op and lots of hatzlocha in all areas and may your financial burden ease significantly.

amother

Maple

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:00 pm

My concern is how resentful you seem to be. DC living elsewhere will not save you $. (Maybe your PSE&G/water/food bill is a little higher with child home)

My other question is in regard to how tone deaf DC is to having the savings, living there and not helping as you stress out. Does DC know how hard things are for you financially?

My parent/ILs did not support us when we got married (MO, was married at 21- currently in my 40’s) but were and still are always more than happy to have us for YT and send us home with left overs (and half the pantry and precooked frozen raw meat…), go shopping with me (both department stores and Costco) and insist on handing over their CC at the register ….. B”H they are comfortable and it is an attitude. My grandparents were the same with my parents and I intend to be the same with mine. My oldest graduates from college soon and will be working, living home or in the city-TBD. Well I don’t want him/her to miss out on the social life, it makes so much more sense to save $ and live home. I am so excited to not pay tuition.

My point being is that it really is situational dependent. I don’t think there is a norm or “right” thing to do. I don’t think it is wrong for your DC to be saving money for their future (btw- who is paying for the wedding….I have friends who payed for their own or we’re given a set sum and told to plan and anything about the sum was on them). I also don’t think it is wrong for DC to help out as a/he is living there rent free and I believe it would be significant even living with 5 others on the UWS. You real need to have a conversation.

Reality

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:14 pm

I wish people who grew up "comfortable" would stop chiming in with their comparisons. It's really unfair to OP.

OP is STRUGGLING. She cannot pay her bills. Her adult child lives at home but doesn't treat it like a joint home. He picks up specialty items for himself but if Mom asks him to go on an errand he asks to be paid back. He is also too busy to help out with household chores. He is taking advantage of his parents love. His behavior would be callous if his parents could afford supporting his life. But they can't. His behavior is downright selfish.

I don't understand the posts siding with him. Would you want your child married to someone like this?

ShishKabob

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:16 pm

Reality wrote:

Three cheers for you!! Thank you

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:20 pm

While you may be right it is also true that it is really situational dependent.
And what is the goal?
I know other scenarios in which older single girls were working hard felt like their savings was the bright spot in their challenges and dreamed of their own home in which they would make their own decisions with their own money the money they earned.
When parents looked to them to shoulder more of the family/parents' financial load that the singles did not feel was their own burden then questions arose, often unvoiced out of respect, about parents' choices whether financial, budgeting, career, recreational, the other kids, how many kids they had, where they lived, how they chose to spend their money and so on.
None of which is conducive to family relationships and harmony.
So while none of this might apply to Op full disclosure this is the reason when an adult child particularly older single is working, paying for her own expenses, and living and saving responsibily I say leave well enough alone.
Older singles also have enough on their plates.
As do the parents.
Just different
And age and stage of life appropriate.

All the more so if she is the oldest of a large family.

don't even know how the whole “we are yeshivish and she identifies as MO “ piece plays out. Sure it is not simple. Clearly she has already made some different choices for herself.

amother

Maize

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:41 pm

amother Zinnia wrote:

So while none of this might apply to Op full disclosure this is the reason when an adult child particularly older single is working, paying for her own expenses, and living and saving responsibily I say leave well enough alone.

Except that this child is clearly not paying for many of their own expenses.

Why does it feel like people are misinterpreting the op however they feel like and spouting off on a random soapbox in response.

ShishKabob

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:53 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I can't imagine ever asking my children to pay rent in my home, or for food that they eat. Or for use of my washing machine and a bit of detergent and softener.

(My adult working DD's pay other expenses of their own, like cars, cellphones, etc...)

This is obviously not coming from a place of 'wanting' to ask. It's coming from a place of feeling that she is choking financially. May you never be in that place.

Chayalle

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:55 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

This is obviously not coming from a place of 'wanting' to ask. It's coming from a place of feeling that she is choking financially. May you never be in that place.

It sounds like her situation needs a financial analysis and perhaps overhaul. Because otherwise it's not likely to change even after child gets married.

amother

Thistle

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:55 pm

Reality wrote:

He might be clueless.
I would be happy if my child would date someone with such a large house down payment already, in the general sense..
He should put that on his shidduch resume lol

ShishKabob

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:57 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

He might be clueless.
I would be happy if my child would date someone with such a large house down payment already, in the general sense..
He should put that on his shidduch resume lol

I would not want my child to date someone that is clueless about his parents financial hardships. Moichel the house. I would love my child to marry someone that will on their own be in tune to their parents and yes to help them out if necessary. To me this speaks volumes.

amother

Magnolia

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 1:01 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I think alot depends on what's going on by the parents, what the situation is. Like read the other thread where OP's husband's family wants him to contribute to enabling an unstable situation.

ShishKabob

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 1:05 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

I think alot depends on what's going on by the parents, what the situation is. Like read the other thread where OP's husband's family wants him to contribute to enabling an unstable situation.

I have my opinions about that as well. You definitely have to ask a competent Torah authority those questions. It's not simple, especially when it's regarding parents.

Chayalle

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 1:09 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I have my opinions about that as well. You definitely have to ask a competent Torah authority those questions. It's not simple, especially when it's regarding parents.

So it sounds like this is more about, when is a child obligated to contribute to his parents financially, under what circumstances, how much, etc....

Not so much about whether they should pay rent, etc...for living in the parents' home. Because that indicates that they would stop paying the rent if they move out elsewhere.

ShishKabob

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 1:11 pm

Chayalle wrote:

You're good Chayalla, I guess you are way more articulate than me. Thank you for expressing my sentiments when I'm clearly lacking in the communications department. Thank you!