Should an adult child living at home contribute financially?

amother

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 8:14 pm

Chayalle wrote:

OP if your child needs to be told most things to help out and is not aware on his/her own, then he/she will most likely be the same in marriage. This can be very frustrating to a spouse (unless spouse comes with similar limitations or other limitations that will make him/her accepting of these.)

I had the same feeling as whitewash, but forgive me if I'm wrong. If these are his/her limitations, what help can he/she get now to help move him/her forward and stretch those limitations? It can make a big difference to his/her eventual marriage to get help beforehand.

It is a fear of mine, but DC has been working on himself/herself for many years, and it has been gradually getting progressively better. I hope that with the right person who will bring out the best in him/her, he/she will continue working on themselves, and things will continue to improve (and no, love does not cure it all but being in a relationship can be an incentive and an opportunity to work on your middos in a different way than living home with your parents.) Although dating for years is not easy, and as parents, we want to see our children settled, in this particular case I believe the delay has been beneficial, so that DC can be more ready for all that marriage entails.

notshanarishona

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 8:26 pm

They for sure should be doing their own laundry, taking a rotation with cooking supper/ washing dishes/ cleaning up and carry their own weight in the house. I am not sure I like the idea of charging for living expenses unless there is no other option.
A mensch would be occasionally buying things for you without being asked, I would question if your kid is ready for marriage/ independence and whether it would be healthy for him to start living on his own regardless.

chestnut

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 8:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

Good analysis. Yes, it is a process, and an adjustment -- for DC as well as for us. We are all accepting and respectful and B"H get along. But it is challenging at times; separating my own dreams and wishes from his/hers.

To maintain DC's confidentiality and dignity, I will refrain from going into great detail, and answering some of the questions, such as does DC's have their own car etc. However, I wish to clarify a few points and correct some misrepresentations:

* DC's is not a recluse. He/she does spend time with MO friends, and appears to be happier since finding a group of other singles he/she can associate with. People who know DC's personally will not see it as a 'red flag' that he/she is still living at home.

* I very much appreciate everyone's concern. However, our financial situation is currently strained but not dire. We are not Chalila in need of Tzdaka, and I am not asking for donations - -DC's or others. "Lo Chasar Lano V'al Yechsar Lanu Mazon L'olam V'aed". We have seen better; we have seen worse. It's going to be OK ( I hope and daven). It is just frustrating at times to be the primary breadwinner in a house with two grown men...At least DH is 'carrying his weight' by being an involved parent and helping around the house a lot. Not so much the case with DC who needs to be told most things. Yet:

* I also do not wish to portray DC as a 'villain'. He/she is not. DC is a kind person who tries to do the right thing but is sometimes clueless. He/she is very bright and advanced in some respects, and is a 'late bloomer' in others. I believe that B"H he/she will make a dedicated spouse and parent. They just need to come with a manual (just kidding Smile

). Their significant other may at times have to spell things out to get the results they need, but DC is open to learn and usually eager to please.

*Finally, a word about 'gold diggers': They are real, they are out there, and they are pretty easy to spot...Part of DC's naivete' is that he/she did not always recognize it even when it was staring in his/her face...Luckily, because he/she used to share with me about his/her dates at an earlier stage, and was open to guidance too, I was able to gently help him/her see it, and he/she no longer discloses sensitive information to others that would make him/her prey to such schemes.

You'll do your child and future child-in-law a huge favor if you start giving him/her more responsibilities in the house, as well as subtly teaching about recognizing the need

amother

Whitewash

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 9:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

It doesn't sound like a midos issue or an immaturity. This sounds like someone who truly is not aware and does not pick things up on his own and needs someone to bring it to his attention clearly and directly. I don't think this is something a person can just work on themselves to improve, they need direct guidance and help.

I'll say straight out, I was single for a long time, and I got set up with guys who sound like they were quite similar to your most recent descriptions. They were nice, decent guys but these dates left me with a certain discomfort as I could clearly see they did not have the skills needed to be a true marriage partner. While I might not have picked up on it as quickly when I was a younger dater, by the time I was closer to 30, it was something I picked up right away.

Op, I say this as compassionately as I can, it is a disservice to your child to leave him to fumble his way and hope he will start to pick things up/become more aware on his own without any any intervention. That may be you sitting down with him, having an honest conversation and setting up a sort of structure. Or it could be via a therapist or counselor.

(Only because you mentioned some detail about having a car or not, and please do not feel you need to confirm or explain...well, if your child does not drive possibly due to certain limitations it sounds exactly like some of the dates I described above. After the first few times it happened, the no driving was a clear red flag to me of probable concerns. It's been years later and my heart still hurts that they did not get the intervention they needed at a younger age (which ideally would have been teens but 20s would have helped, too).

amother

Ecru

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 10:32 pm

I would not charge my single child living at home. I was close to 30 when I got married and lived at home until my wedding (that’s expected in my community). If my parents asked me to pay rent I’d move out. It also wouldn’t help our relationship. I bought my own food a lot. I don’t recall what I did if I picked up groceries for the household but I doubt I’d have asked to be reimbursed. My parents often struggled financially (less so in the years before I got married) but are incredibly generous and I don’t think they’d have considered asking for rent. Inflation and loss of work is not your child’s fault. I think charging them for food is nickeling and diming and will ultimately hurt your relationship. The amount they cost you is less than it’s been previously (presumably you had tuition etc that you no longer have). Find other ways to fix your finances but don’t involve your child.

amother

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 11:16 pm

amother Whitewash wrote:

DC drives and is independent in all areas. There was lots and lots of early intervention during the formative years...I really feel like I've done what I could for this child, and now the journey is theirs to take the stride and measure up, and I can only daven that he/she will make the right choices.

Reality

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 1:19 am

amother Grape wrote:

All these posts are missing one important detail - the father. What does he feel about dc contributing? Has he spoken to dc about any of OP's concerns?
I also had older children living at home. My DH asked them if they could give some towards rent, which they didn't express regret for. I probably would have felt guilty if I asked them myself but they ended up being happy to contribute.

OP write early on her husband doesn't want her to ask their son to contribute monetarily.

Look, I don't see paying or not paying rent as the major issue here. This child seems to be financially stable and responsible so when the time comes he'll pay his mortgage or rent on time.

The real issue is about EQ. It doesn't dawn on him to help in any way unless it is spelled out for him. He doesn't realize how selfish it makes him look when he asks to be paid back for small items when you are paying for so many things for him. Does he appreciate what you do for him or does he take it for granted? Does he ever verbally acknowledge all your hard work? Does saying thank you come easily to him?

All he is able to handle is going to work. He has no time to do any household chores. It doesn't work like that in real life. When you are an adult, your work first starts when you come home from work. Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry.

I'm sure this is hard for you to read OP and I'm sorry. But having a great job is only one piece of the puzzle.

amother

Candycane

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 1:49 am

OP, you need to ask yourself honestly: are you doing this for his sake or yours? Do you honestly want to teach him responsibility/accountability/empathy or think he would benefit greatly from living on his own? Or is this about you and your needs?
If it’s about you, no. Parents should not rely on their children. If it’s about him, then yes. But only if you’re sure it’s in his best interest and in the name of chinuch.
I am a strong believer in this in general-if you want to ask your younger kids to do chores, only ask if it’s truly because you want to teach them to be responsible and help out, not only because you need their help. You are their mother. It is your responsibility to take care of your child, no matter the age.

Reality

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 1:55 am

amother Candycane wrote:

How old are you? How old is your oldest child?
Your last line makes no sense. This "child" is at least 25! This is a full grown adult!! Mom and Dad's job is done!

Parents always love their child. Parents can offer help, emotionally and or financially but 25 year olds do NOT need to be taken cared of!!

essie14

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 2:12 am

Reality wrote:

Omg, seriously!
Our job as parents is to help our children become functional adults. Not baby them and pamper them until they decide to move out.
No parent should be doing an adult child's laundry. All children should be doing chores and helping out. It's called being part of a family.
An 18 year old is not a 2 year old.

amother

Mayflower

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 4:58 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes, both. And sometimes we run out of things quicker because DC uses a lot, and it is a pain to have to go to the store again and buy more (and pay for it).

I'm wondering how much higher utilities really are. Unless DC takes 45-minute long showers each day with the water running all 45 minutes. An extra light on at night is not such a big deal.

I think DC can be asked to pay for some groceries each month. Maybe one full grocery cart every 5 weeks, or if DC eats a lot of something, to replace it when it gets low. Not a large amount but something to offset your costs.

amother

Mayflower

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 5:01 am

amother Gardenia wrote:

It's not the parents responsibility to pay towards their dc's house. And that is what is happening here.

I think if the parents can make ends meet and allow their adult DC to save towards a house then that is what they should do, as parents.

If they are not managing to make ends meet they can ask DC to contribute a bit towards what DC anyways uses. But not more than that, DC is not their piggy bank.

Right now DC is paying all personal expenses, just not household expenses, plus putting the rest towards savings. I think that is positive and responsible and it is the ideal which should be kept for as long as the parents' finances permit.

amother

Mayflower

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 5:59 am

amother Red wrote:

I remember my parents wanted me to contribute. I felt it was so unfair when they spent so much money eating at fancy resteraunts and getting new bags every month and then having the electricity shut off because they couldn't pay.

I refused to contribute to this unhealthy problem of not using money correctly. They had a Rav of theirs try to convince me and that I'm a horrible child for not honoring my parents.

At the same time when I wanted to move out (because my family was so abusive and dysfunctional) my parents pressured me to stay home saying I should save my money and what a waste it was to pay rent when I could live with them for free.

I was always asked/ pressured to contribute and I did. Even when I was promised repayment it was never given and I was doused in guilt for asking for it.

In the end the only money that I ever earned before leaving home, that I kept for myself, was the money that I spent on my airline ticket for seminary, and a few items of clothing. I think everything else was "loaned" to my parents and never given back.

I was younger than OP's child though. After I left for seminary I never really moved back home, other than during summers, when I still "loaned" some of my earnings but not all of them.

I was also pressured to stay home and live at home "for free." I guess if I'd stayed local I would've been a good source of income... I didn't want to live in my hometown, though, so I turned down the generous offer and chose instead the pressure and guilt from the relatives over how ungrateful and uncaring I was to turn down the offer.

That all said....this isn't the point of the thread, OP sounds like a much different parent than ours were.

amother

Zinnia

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 7:02 am

amother Ecru wrote:

You said it best.

amother

Violet

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 11:53 am

Basically the only additional expense is a bit of food.

Wouldn’t they be coming as a couple for Shabbos and some weekday meals if they were married? That would be good for 2. And if they would have children it would be even more.

The difference isn’t that great to be counting pennies here.

They already are paying personal expenses, and some household expenses.

If you want them to help out more around the house, then make that condition clear.

It isn’t worth the respect they will lose for you.

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 18 2022, 12:54 pm

I agree with posts that say DC should be helping OP out. If he/she is living at home, he/she should be contributing to running the household. I have adult children living at home (they are under 25) and they help with laundry, cooking/baking, running errands, etc...and they do so gladly.

OP, I would definitely communicate these expectations to your DC. Maybe buy DC a separate laundry hamper (or have him/her buy one), and make it clear that his/her laundry is no longer in your domain (plus, he/she has to work out with you when machine is available, which teaches added responsibility and accountability to other members in the family).

Ask DC to start checking in with you on way out of work what errands you need run on way home. My DD often does this, and picks up younger sister from school, stops at grocery - I text a list (I pay for it of course, she has my CC) - does returns for me, etc....and this makes it easier for me to run the household that she is part of.

You can also give DC certain jobs. For example, here are a dozen apples that I need peeled, cored, and chopped. Here's a recipe for chocolate cake, can you make this for Shabbos (if your DC can follow a recipe). I find that giving specific jobs and responsibilities works well with young adults.

Last edited by Chayalle on Fri, Nov 18 2022, 1:22 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tanzanite

Sat, Nov 19 2022, 1:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

It sounds like you have done a lot. We don’t need DC to contribute financially, but our DC in their 20s doesn’t drive or act independently at all. They were at college paying bills with roommates so this feels like a massive step backwards for us. Our DC has the financial means to leave but doesn’t. It is very draining for us. Posters talking about how mean or cruel it is to try to make an adult child independent have no clue what it feels like.