Should an adult child living at home contribute financially?

amother

Blonde

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:16 pm

I lived "at home" through my twenties. At some point I realized my parents were having a hard time making ends meet so I started paying half the rent- we lived in a rented apartment. Because I was single and had some money despite having a low-paying job. When I shopped for family needs I put it on my credit card and didn't ask for repayment.

I did this as hakaras hatov and also because I felt I was contributing little to the household as far as chores. Like, my mother did the cooking and most of the cleaning so at least I helped pay the rent.

I would note that my parents never asked me for anything; I offered on my own.

chestnut

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:19 pm

Gardenia, I'm surprised at you implying the child is using his parents when, in fact, he's being very responsible and fair. The more he saves for down payment, the more comfortable it'll be for him when married. He isn't spending all those savings on drugs and clubs, for goodness sake!
I'm not sure what's triggering such replies on your part.

amother

Narcissus

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:20 pm

Does DC know you're struggling financially?
Would you be better off or happier if DC moved out?
I think it would be better for family dynamics if someone not living with you could suggest it. (A sibling, an aunt...)
The best thing would be if you can get DC to offer without having to ask.

Raisin

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:20 pm

I think it is amazing that your child has saved all this money. I am guessing they have made this choice to live at home since they know you cannot help them out too much in the future.

I think in your case, since you are struggling, it would be entirely appropriate to ask them to contribute a small amount towards the food bills, which are obviously higher.

amother

Dill

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:24 pm

My single working children pay for all their own expenses - clothes, phone, and help with the shopping and /or cooking. They'll sometimes buy something for Shabbos or YT like a nice dessert or drink.

amother

Linen

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:26 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

Personally, I feel it's wrong to have a single child help out financially just because they're not married. If you're really in dire straits, you can ask. Some of my siblings got married later like between the ages of 25 and 33. They used to buy their own clothing, toiletries, etc. If they went out to eat with friends they paid for that but for general household stuff it was on my parents not on them.

If he was married and living there with his wife, would you feel differently? They are asking for help with expenses they occur because of him- he eats their food, uses up supplies. He uses up water and electricity.
I wouldnt nickle and dime him or charge the average local rent. But I would have a sit down, explain that he is 25 and needs to start contributing.
Time for him to be an adult.
Does he pay for his own cell phone?
Health insurance?
He should contribute to the food costs, supplies etc. Pay for his share of the phone bill.

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:26 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

Why do you feel that way? Why should they not pay for their own food?

amother

Maple

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:27 pm

I will echo,
Does DC know that you are struggling? Would expenses be significantly less if DC didn’t live at home?
Are you comfortable telling DC that things are tighter?
If you ask DC to go to shoprite or Costco will they ask you to pay them back? Will that help?
Can you have an open and honest conversation?
What do you want them to do?

amother

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:27 pm

Raisin wrote:

I think this is true. This is DC's perception that they would have to 'make it' on their own (although knowing they are always welcome here once married, and that we would do whatever we can to help out if our situation allows it.)

And the food bill is indeed higher both because of DC's presence and because of inflation...

amother

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:31 pm

amother Maple wrote:

DC does know, and I have told him so, but did not seem to completely 'get it'.

DC sometimes goes to the store to get some specialty items they like, but picks up some items for the family occasionally and then asks me to pay them back. This irks me. I mean, you live here. You eat this too, no? why are you asking me to pay you back? This is a conversation that goes in my head. I do not actually say it out loud but sometimes gently asks if they would like to chip in towards it.

amother

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 3:39 pm

amother Linen wrote:

Yes, this!

DC pays for their cell phone as of the last year because I imparted to DH that it is absurd that he is still paying for him as though he was a child. Health insurance is through DC's workplace, although there is a high deductible that DC's has to pay. Food - DC's pays for specific items they like and buy for themselves but NOT for most food items they eat at home during meals (eggs/chicken/produce) or snacks, neither supplies, electricity, water etc.

amother

Begonia

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:07 pm

I think it's good child is saving his money, so you won't need to worry about helping child out as much later. If it's something you asked child to buy or you would have bought anyway, you should reimburse, otherwise I'd say to child I appreciate you bought it for us. You can choose what you think is appropriate to buy for your home and if child likes extras, they buy on own.

lamplighter

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:16 pm

I think ideally a relative should speak to him and suggest he pays towards groceries or do the grocery shopping one week a month and pay for it.

A child living at home with minimal expenses should not be asking to be paid back if they know that their parents are struggling. I would agree with your analysis that your son is cheap/not a giver. It seems he has financial anxiety (perhaps from growing up in a financially strapped home) and may benefit from therapy for that.

amother

Silver

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:17 pm

He doesn't owe you any money just because you need it. If you start charging him to stay, he might leave and you'll have nothing. You feel like he's taking advantage of you but plenty of people would be happy to be able to get their child a head start in life by not having to pay rent. Some even move their small family back to their parents for a short while to save up and buy a house. I think that's a wonderful thing for a parent to do and not so costly either.

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:24 pm

chestnut wrote:

Lol. No trigger here except that I dont like to see people taken advantage of and that is what is happening here. Did you read all that OP wrote? Child often asked to be repaid for items the whole household was using. Just because he is saving his money and not using them on drugs (is that your trigger; I hope not) doesn't mean he is being fair. He's not. He can get along without a 200K+ savings when he gets married (and he already has that amount!) He is still costing his parents money. I'm sure you know how much food costs. Why should someone with far more assets than his parents get his food paid for by them??

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:25 pm

amother Banana wrote:

I can not fathom asking a child to give me money. We live in different worlds

He is NOT a child! He is a wealthy 25 year old!

amother

Banana

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:32 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

He is NOT a child! He is a wealthy 25 year old!

He is the child of the mother. And he is being responsible, most parents I know want their child to be set up for life. 200k means a down payment for a house, that’s not wealthy.
I am a responsible adult who does not live off of support, but the idea of a parent asking for money from their children really rubs me the wrong way. You don’t stop taking care of children in whatever way you could once they turn 18. And I’m sorry, asking for money because of principle is not the foundation of a loving relationship

Reality

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:39 pm

amother Banana wrote:

This "child" is clearly missing normal social cues. He grew up in a struggling home and he's 25 years old and when mom asks him to pick up a loaf of bread he asks to get paid back? I don't blame OP for getting annoyed.

I don't think OP really wants money from him. I think she resents that her son is nickel and diming her!

amother

Glitter

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:45 pm

I don't think there is a 1-size-fits-all answer to this question but my first thought is that it depends what the intent is behind asking for financial contribution. Is it due to meaningful loss of income/funds from having that child at home? Meaning you'd otherwise take in a border to help pay the bills? Or is this a kid with a huge appetite, doubling your grocery bill? Or is the thought of asking for money to help teach the child responsibility? Or perhaps to motivate them to move out on their own (if that's the desire)?

But just to ask because you have the thought that it isn't fair that your finances are tight and they are living easy is kind of.... petty and un-parent-like(?), I think.