Should an adult child living at home contribute financially?

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:48 pm

amother Banana wrote:

He is the child of the mother. And he is being responsible, most parents I know want their child to be set up for life. 200k means a down payment for a house, that’s not wealthy.
I am a responsible adult who does not live off of support, but the idea of a parent asking for money from their children really rubs me the wrong way. You don’t stop taking care of children in whatever way you could once they turn 18. And I’m sorry, asking for money because of principle is not the foundation of a loving relationship

That is not the case here! He is 25 years old and able to support himself!

amother

Red

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:49 pm

I remember my parents wanted me to contribute. I felt it was so unfair when they spent so much money eating at fancy resteraunts and getting new bags every month and then having the electricity shut off because they couldn't pay.

I refused to contribute to this unhealthy problem of not using money correctly. They had a Rav of theirs try to convince me and that I'm a horrible child for not honoring my parents.

At the same time when I wanted to move out (because my family was so abusive and dysfunctional) my parents pressured me to stay home saying I should save my money and what a waste it was to pay rent when I could live with them for free.

amother

DarkGray

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:52 pm

amother Banana wrote:

There's a very big difference between asking for money towards rent/mortgage versus asking them to contribute to their own expenses.

The child has a good job and has decent nest egg as well. The parents are struggling, and things have taken a downturn recently. Why shouldn't the child contribute to the food that he is putting into his own mouth, or the tissues that he's using to wipe his own *ss? He's also having his laundry done for him, food cooked for him and a house cleaned up by others.

He's 25, not 18. It's time he steps up to the plate.

amother

DarkGray

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 4:54 pm

amother Red wrote:

Well, obviously if the environment is an unhealthy one that changes up everything. But in this thread, OP doesn't sound like they're spending carelessly.

amother

RosePink

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 5:22 pm

What about having him contribute in responsibilities, not specifically finances? You can sit him down and explain the reality, that you are so happy to have him at home and how he is behaving responsibly with his savings. At this point he is an adult and it is time to contribute. It’s up to you what that means. Maybe he is in charge of weekly grocery shopping, cooking some suppers, taking out the garbage daily, doing his own laundry, changing his own linens, etc. These are all typical responsibilities for someone his age, whether single or married.

If you still feel that he should contribute to the finances, I definitely agree that it should only be things that increase because he is around, like groceries and utilities. This can be part of the same conversation as the increased responsibilities I mentioned above.

Good luck!

amother

Maize

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 6:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes, this!

DC pays for their cell phone as of the last year because I imparted to DH that it is absurd that he is still paying for him as though he was a child. Health insurance is through DC's workplace, although there is a high deductible that DC's has to pay. Food - DC's pays for specific items they like and buy for themselves but NOT for most food items they eat at home during meals (eggs/chicken/produce) or snacks, neither supplies, electricity, water etc.

I would not be able to function like that. I think you should charge him enough to cover his portion of the groceries, utilities and supplies. Maybe turn this into a learning experience—he should know how much it costs you to run a household.

The fact is most 25 year olds are living either on their own or with roommates. With the setup you have now it feels strongly like mooching to me. My parents would never have stood for it. (But they encouraged us all to move out of home well before then and spread our wings a bit.)

My in laws on the other hand, have the same attitude as many posters on this thread. For context my in laws are very yeshivish. I don’t know if that’s why. But they have the attitude that it doesn’t matter how old the child is, as long as they aren’t yet married they belong living at home expense free.

I cannot imagine a living situation where the parents are struggling, the adult child already has a huge nest egg and they aren’t contributing at all. To my mind, if he isn’t willing to chip in, everyone would be better off if he moved out.

keeptrying

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 6:43 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

I don't think there is a 1-size-fits-all answer to this question but my first thought is that it depends what the intent is behind asking for financial contribution. Is it due to meaningful loss of income/funds from having that child at home? Meaning you'd otherwise take in a border to help pay the bills? Or is this a kid with a huge appetite, doubling your grocery bill? Or is the thought of asking for money to help teach the child responsibility? Or perhaps to motivate them to move out on their own (if that's the desire)?

But just to ask because you have the thought that it isn't fair that your finances are tight and they are living easy is kind of.... petty and un-parent-like(?), I think.

I agree

amother

Zinnia

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 7:02 pm

What happened Op that you want to renegotiate the terms of your agreement? Yes I know prices have risen.
What is done amongst your peers and DC's peers in your circles in these situations?
While I sympathize with your dilemma I think he or she should only pay for his own expenses.
The other is really a recipe for disaster. You don't want to each be watching and counting each other's monies and budgets and priorities and choices.
How many other people are in your household? That you are shopping and cooking for and paying for utilities?
If you want have him do his own laundry if he is not already doing so and more chores around the house. What does he do in his spare time?
Yes you are the parent.
However if you are feeling in any way jealous of him using this opportunity to save before he starts a family IY"H then maybe it is time for him to move out and become more independent with more clear boundaries. I would be very wary of looking to him and/or his savings as a solution to my financial issues.
Regarding his nature while we are parents forever he is 25 and the time for that kind of "chinuch" is over.
This dynamic plays out whether it is about money or time or resources often when the parents feel stressed they look to the kids usually single kids and/or older singles. Does not usually if ever work out well.
I think for the sake of the relationships it is best not to mix money into it particularly when an adult child is carrying his own age appropriate responsibilities of working, saving, and paying for what is clearly his own expenses.
Boundaries are important here. Sometimes consciously or not an adult child hoping to embark upon his life is wary of the slippery slope of his parents' financial stresses and beginning to pay for what he may consider his family's choices and expenses of which he may be one of many. Not talking about a yotzei dofen situation like a guy running through the family's meat freezer on his own every day or something unusual...
Please step back and try to disengage a bit your own financial stress with his savings and life.
Hopefully soon he will meet his bashert and begin his own independent life in his own home!
Is this your oldest child?
So many threads about financial expectations on parents when their kids are engaged/marry. Sounds like he or she is being very responsible.
hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 7:14 pm

amother Maize wrote:

Please put me down for a dozen "likes"

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 7:17 pm

amother Zinnia wrote:

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but the bolded sounds very obnoxious. There is nothing in any of OPs statements that should lead anyone to believe that she is either jealous of her dc or wants to take advantage of the fact that he is living at home.

nicole81

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 7:31 pm

amother Red wrote:

Sorry for the situation, but if your parents were asking you to contribute while an adult living at home, and you refused, the rav was right that you were being a horrible child. What an awful thing to do, to judge your parents' spending while living there for free.

amother

Whitewash

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 7:45 pm

nicole81 wrote:

I have to agree with Nicole. And I lived with my parents for quite some time. They didn't charge rent, but of course I paid for all my own expenses and chipped in a lot with buying groceries and stuff for around the house in addition to helping out with lots of household chores and home maintenance. If they had ever asked me to chip in additionally of course I would have, without a thought. No matter what they wanted the money for.

OP, you say moving out at 25 is not accepted in your community, yet your child has a professional job and has 200k in savings at such a young age? Presumably, child has a college degree and has been working for just a couple of years and has such a well paying job they have been able to save such a huge amount (I was practically broke and still paying off student and car loans with the pittance I made at my professional job at that age, so I'm impressed). That sounds more like JPF or MO but there's no stigma against moving out prior to marriage.

If you are more on the yeshivish side of things, let me tell you that more and more yeshivish young adults are moving out by that age. If you look/ask around, you'll see. You certainly can encourage your child to do so, it kind of sounds like it might be healthy for them to spread their wings and they certainly can afford it. Even if they keep that $220k as savings and use paychecks from now on to pay rent, that's quite a cushion and sounds quite doable.

amother

Violet

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 10:19 pm

I’m sure DC helps with cleaning and chores in the house. Or maybe helps in other ways, be it constructing the sukkah or household things that need fixing.
You would not have those contributions if they would move out.
I would consider that an even exchange.

I wouldn’t charge a child.
I would rather take out a loan, than get paid by a child.

That just isn’t the way of the world, and most children who support their parents, lose their respect for their parents and often get to have a say over the parents.