Should an adult child living at home contribute financially?

amother

Thistle

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 10:22 pm

amother Green wrote:

So you don't mind a grown up child living in your house eating your food and contributing nothing to the communal funds all while steadily growing his nest egg. How about that child, his wife and their 6 kids? Working, saving money so you can feed 8 extra mouths while they save up to buy a million dollar house for all cash--I mean who wants to have to deal with a mortgage?

I would love for my child not to have to deal with a mortgage. I know quite a few people who let their kids move in to their home, with spouse and children,so that they can save for their own house. They would love to be able to help out with a down payment but they don’t have the money for that, so they let their kids move in rent free because they have the space for it and why not help the kids?

amother

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 11:46 pm

OK, based on reading all the various responses, I tried to take a step back and discern what is really bothering me. Not in any particular order, I will try to address some of the responses and answer some of the questions that were raised:
No, I do not expect DC to support us. It is not his/her responsibility, and we are not Chalila destitute. We have some assets, but DH's earning potential is poor and mine is heavily impacted by the economic times, and people's capability to be able to afford my services. Although I do have Bitachon, realistically, my income has been dwindling while costs keep rising, and the possibility of an impending recession makes me nervous.

To be fair, I don't think that DC's savings makes him/her 'wealthy' but rather provides some security in the form of a down payment on a future house. Although DC stands to increase their income as they progress in their field, as a single with no dependents, much of the earnings go towards taxes...
I am proud of DC and thrilled for him/her (NOT JEALOUS!!) that they are managing to save nicely. However, I just feel like our hard work (both in monetary contribution as well as in household tasks) is being taken for granted. We do not come from money, and have worked incredibly hard to provide for our children all these years. I would just like to see DC offer to help more, whether in household tasks or in monetary ways. It has gotten somewhat better over the last few years, but still feels like pulling teeth at times. I have to spell things out on many occasions, and it does not make me feel good to be in this position. Once married, I think that I would be so happy to host him/her with their spouse for a shabbos/YT. This is a different scenario.

We live in more Yeshivish circles where it is normal for a 'child' to stay at home until they marry, but DC defines themselves as MO, and move in MO circles where most people his/her age (and please note that I stated 25+ -- I did not specify the actual age), are either married or living independently. I just feel like you cant 'eat the cake and leave it whole'. If you are MO and single at this age, then maybe time to move out. If you wish to stay, try to contribute more without having to be asked.

Will my expenses lessen once DC moves out /gets married? Yes, some. By how much exactly? I have not done the math, but we would need to buy less groceries and supplies. Do I mind having him/her around? Most of the time it is fine. We have a good relationship with DC, and he/she is quite pleasant to be around, when they are around (he/she comes and goes according to their schedule and eats most meals on their own when they get home). But sometimes, late at night or early morning, I wish to have the shower to myself. And more people in the house means more cleaning, cooking etc. It is OK, and I try not to complain, I just wish he/she already found their Bashert, and there is some frustration there about that as well, and the fear of 'what if', and will they ever find themselves and move out kind of thing...

Thank you for listening.

amother

DarkGray

Wed, Nov 16 2022, 11:51 pm

amother Green wrote:

Rent is not the question. You would be fine with them contributing no money towards food while they have hundreds of thousands of dollars while you struggle?

Of course. Imamothers are the perfect species who magically make things work somehow, who always give to their adults kids even when the don't have the money or the means to do so and who always have the right frame of mind. Haven't you gotten the memo that asking your adult kids to pay for their own expenses is just bad parenting? It sends the message that parents just want to suck their kids dry and want to take advantage of the kids. That memo further states that teaching your adult kids to stand on their own two feet, step up when needed, and taking responsibility for their own needs is only done by bad parents.

amother

Brickred

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 12:54 am

amother Violet wrote:

I’m sure DC helps with cleaning and chores in the house. Or maybe helps in other ways, be it constructing the sukkah or household things that need fixing.
You would not have those contributions if they would move out.
I would consider that an even exchange.

I wouldn’t charge a child.
I would rather take out a loan, than get paid by a child.

That just isn’t the way of the world, and most children who support their parents, lose their respect for their parents and often get to have a say over the parents.

Why would you assume that the child helps with cleaning and chores? You can ask OP if he does; but it’s a bit presumptuous of you to assume it.
Do you think that you are doing your child a favor by not teaching them responsibility?

amother

Whitewash

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 1:19 am

amother OP wrote:

Sounds like you want your child to move out. Is there a reason why you haven't broached the subject? Your child is not a mind reader. If that's what you want, you have to speak up.

Money obviously is not the issue for your child-he can obviously afford to pay rent and buy necessities. Lifestyle isn't either, if your child identifies as MO and has friends living on their own. Honestly I don't see the dilemma here.

amother

Tanzanite

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 1:50 am

amother Violet wrote:

Why are you so sure the “child” helps? In my experience, the adult children who “need” to stay home despite their financial independence, help the least, if at all in the home.

Reality

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 2:05 am

amother Whitewash wrote:

This is true regardless of gender, whether it's a son or daughter, in the MO world. Especially if your child is closer to 30 than 20-- living with parents may be viewed as a red flag and seen as an oddity.

I agree. I know OP went back to his/her in this last post but earlier she wrote he a few times so I assume her child is a boy. If her child is a girl, guys will also think it's weird.

Especially because this kid has a good job. It's one thing to live at home because you're still in school. But this child is making good money and is NOT helpful at home in any kind of way. Doesn't sound like good marriage material to me. This adult needs to learn how to manage on his own.

amother

Red

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 2:43 am

nicole81 wrote:

Sorry for the situation, but if your parents were asking you to contribute while an adult living at home, and you refused, the rav was right that you were being a horrible child. What an awful thing to do, to judge your parents' spending while living there for free.

Like I said if I spoke about moving out my parents would get very upset and yell at me and pressure me to stay home. Anytime I didn't do something they liked it was a kibud av vaim issue. Like wear exactly what my mother wanted on every date I had. Or drop friends they didn't like.

I did try to leave but in my circles people live at home as older singles so my parents would also yell at me "Well where would you go? You're going to ruin your syidduchim if you move out and all your siblings syidduchim as well."

No matter what I did I was told I would be a horrible child who didn't care about their parents or hashem or his mitzvot.

Reality

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 3:01 am

amother Red wrote:

I'm sorry your family was so dysfunctional and manipulative.

OP's situation doesn't sound like that. She sounds like a normal mom who wants her adult child to act like a full participant in the family unit or move out.

OP clearly stated this child doesn't help out in non-monetary ways unless specifically asked. That means he or she expects mom to cook, clean, shop, do the laundry etc. No, just no.

essie14

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 3:57 am

amother Begonia wrote:

That's sad it would be considered odd to live with your parents. I don't see why an older unmarried child is pushed to live on their own. I think there is value to being with others in a household and especially parents as children can give nachas/honor to parents more easily while living together. It's more natural to me to keep living with family than living with other random friends/finding roommates.

It's not sad. It's completely normal in most Western circles to be an independent adult before you get married. I can't imagine living at home and getting married so young before a person is a functional adult. I find it sad that parents push young marriage on children and don't encourage them to grow up and be independent before they get married.

amother

Firethorn

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 4:56 am

The answer is very individual.

It is the nature of parents to give, and to want their children to have things better than they did. A parent shouldn't expect a child to pay 100% their part, but the parents shouldn't be breaking their backs either. The answer is in the middle.

My advice is to only ask DC to contribute to where you have NEED. If carrying in groceries is difficult for you, and DC is strong, then ask them to carry groceries. But don't feel the need to make DC pay their part just to "toughen them up".

I grew up very poor, my parents didn't have a choice and didn't give me any extras and believe me, the "hard way" is very often just the "bad way". Learning "the hard way" can leave scars, and leave you weaker, not stronger...

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 5:18 am

Raisin wrote:

OP, I think your child should be doing their own laundry (at the very least!) and helping with some cooking every week. Maybe supper once a week. It's an important life skill to acquire either way.

When you ask them to contribute to food, I mean you should say, because of inflation and our diminished income, we are struggling, do you think you could contribute whatever you think is the amount one person spends on food per week?

ie you are not asking them because you think they should pay, but you need them to pay.

Perhaps I misunderstood as I thought Op's daughter (or son) older single was already doing this. Paying for her own groceries, working full time, preparing and having most of her meals on her own, paying for her own expenses, paying for her own shidduch related expenses, "contributing a small amount monthly", and doing her own laundry etc. - from Op's posts.

amother

Outerspace

Thu, Nov 17 2022, 7:30 am

amother Plum wrote:

I think you should have a discussion with your child.

Many people don't charge their non-minor children rent and food costs if they don't need the money. Others who do need the money might charge a small amount based on how much it actually costs to keep them in the home - I doubt that housing expenses are higher - the only variable would be food expenses.

Many people who need the money do charge the adult children. The amount is generally lower than what it would cost them to rent elsewhere. This is especially true in a place like NYC where rents are so unaffordable for young adults.

Also it could depend on whether the child is actually saving the money or using the "windfall" from not paying rent and utilities on fun stuff.

I lived with my parents for a bit more than a year when I was working and they charged me a small amount. They didn't need the money. However, they actually gave it back to me when I needed a car so it was their way of making sure that I actually saved some of my salary.

This is very well put.

If you are struggling financially it is fine to request your child to chip in. I would scale the level of contribution to the level of your need and proportionate to their use.

Be careful not to become reliant on your dc income.

However, ideally I would not.

It sounds like dc is living within their means and being responsible by saving their money. Isn't that what we want? If I had the means I would gift my children money towards their hime purchase or to start a business. I can't so I do what I can to enable them to save and go into their future in the best possible position. My financial position is mine.