My husband refuses to give maaser

amother

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 9:34 pm

Maybe 15 years ago when we first got married we went to a shiur where the Rabbi made it seem like maaser was optional. We were students then and life was different. That stuck in his head and he always uses that as an excuse. We have seperate accounts and I give but every time I bring it up he brushes me off. He learns a lot so I don't know why this midah is so hard for him. We don't live paycheck to paycheck. We aren't poor. We are fine.
How can I influence him to give maaser? We are on the cusp of a potential huge raise/job shift and I truly believe if we give maaser it may tip in our favor. Granted I grew up in a family that really stressed tzedakah and he is a baaletshuva with no real upbringing on the concept of charity.

amother

Starflower

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 9:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sit down with him and your rabbi and have the rabbi explain it to him
Does he not go along with any other halachos?

amother

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 9:46 pm

amother Starflower wrote:

Sit down with him and your rabbi and have the rabbi explain it to him
Does he not go along with any other halachos?

Weirdly enough he is very machmir on certain areas of halacha but I guess he never learned this one. :/. My understanding though it is isn't halacha but a very very strong minhag.

Goldie613

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 9:53 pm

Does he give tzedakah at all? It could be if you add up his tzedakah for the year, he's close to giving maaser already.

If he doesn't, maybe this is the place to start, as in, don't push the idea of maaser right now, but rather of giving tzedakah of some amount on a regular basis, or even just giving tzedakah to places that mean a lot to him every so often. Once he's used to that, he can build up from there.

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 9:59 pm

It says aser bishvil shetisasher
Giving maaser can make you wealthy

He should be shown information expounding on that concept
Here's an example of a link I found :

https://www.chabad.org/kids/ar.....n.htm

You could Google:
Aser bishvil shetisasher

And print out things for him to read on shabbos about it.

amother

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 10:04 pm

Goldie613 wrote:

I'm really the one who is more in charge of the finances but I can't just take his money for maaser as it would really upset him. We really dont communicate about money well but its been working enough. He does give tzedakah when approached by people or they come to our door. He often makes pledges for shul when he gets an aliyah etc. I don't think he goes to websites like I do an makes donations. Certainly not an active tzedakah giver and Certainly not even close to amount for maaser.

amother

White

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 10:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

Weirdly enough he is very machmir on certain areas of halacha but I guess he never learned this one. :/. My understanding though it is isn't halacha but a very very strong minhag.

Maser ksafim IS a minhag. It’s not mine (although most people I know have it as theirs. Still doesn’t make it my minhag).

amother

Chambray

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 10:10 pm

We asked our Rav recently about maaser and he also said it’s a suggestion not a requirement. Not something I would pick a fight over.

amother

Vanilla

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 10:18 pm

Speak to your Rav.
Tell him about your finances, and ask him if you should be giving maaser.
If he says you should, then get back to your husband.

amother

Camellia

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 10:29 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

These types of things have really caused a crisis of faith for me. The Torah seems to promise riches to those who give maaser. There's a pretty obvious question here that doesn't seem to bother anyone. Many people give maaser and aren't rich. In fact many people give maaser and are poor.

I almost find it an insult to my intelligence that the chabad link brings a story of a person that sees a direct correlation between maaser giving and financial success. As if there aren't a million examples that demonstrate things aren't that clear.

tichellady

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 10:35 pm

I was in a similar situation. I let it go. he has become more generous with time. he has money about anxiety and the change needs to come from him not forced from me

amother

Crystal

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 11:10 pm

I had the same question as you, and apparently maaser isn't something you HAVE to do, but once you start you have to always do it. that's how my husb explained it to me. He did ask our Rav who confirmed that.

doodlesmom

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 11:11 pm

There are many little things people claim can be paid for with maaser. So he probably covers that aspect.
Ie seforim, tuition, shul membership etc.

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Nov 20 2022, 11:59 pm

Giving tzedaka is a mitzvah. Giving a tenth is just a way of doing it that some people like. Praiseworthy but not required. So long as your husband is giving tzedaka, he's ok.

If he's generally stingy and/or doesn't give to truly needy people or to local institutions, you should have a conversation about it. Maybe he's just not into the magical thinking of giving tzedaka equals wealth.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 1:36 am

There are quite a few podcasts on the subject. All I can say is since we started giving we have literally seen miracle after miracle after miracle! I actually listen to One podcast and can't remember the name but it inspired me to ask my husband to make a separate bank account so we can keep track. I was actually surprised when he was so on board but he also seen the miracles along with me. I kid you not when I say we went from barely being able to pay our bills to making well over a million dollars a year. I have a son that was not religious for a while but this was always the mitzvah that he held onto and he had a job when most people are struggling. Not saying he was making crazy amounts of money but it was during Corona and none of his friends had jobs and somehow he always found one that was pretty darn decent. I really don't think you will lose out but you should definitely speak to a Rav.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 1:38 am

Just wanted to add that in this podcast he said that a lot of people that are making fairly decent money actually give 20%. Told my husband we should start and we are upping slowly. And every single time we up it we see our income increase exponentially. Obviously there's no guarantee that you know what even if we don't make it all back I know that we're giving and helping people when it's a really hard time for a lot of people. There's nothing like the feeling of being able to give. I had a receipt for many years so I'm so appreciative that I can be on the giving in and really try to help people.

amother

Valerian

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 10:17 am

I appreciate this thread. My dh also doesn't believe in giving maaser and is pretty stingy when it comes to giving tzedakah. He thinks $50 is a major donation - and we are quite comfortably off. This has been a shalom bayis issue over the years, and it's good for me to see that I'm not the only one in this situation.

I keep account of my own earnings and give my own maaser. (DH is forever forwarding me tzedakah requests that he receives and asking me to donate from my maaser money. Can't Believe It

FTR, I won't do that.)