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My teen son is probably on the spectrum. Can I help him?
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 2:25 pm
How strange is it that I only recently noticed that DS 18 is probably on the spectrum, and what am I supposed to do about it?
Behaviors that are pointing me in that direction:
He’s super methodical. Every minute, every dollar, every action is accounted for.
He’s pretty rigid and gets super flustered if his schedule is interrupted. Or if there’s a guest at home he wasn’t consulted about.
He’s pretty introverted and avoids eye contact.
Anything unexpected happening in his day, or in his life bothers him a lot more than others.
He’s a lot more logical than emotional.
He does have friends and gets along with his siblings but his discussions are mostly facts that happened or will happen. Same when he talks to me or DH. He will say what he ate that day and what the plan is for tomorrow.
Not much emotion there. Not much different than a robot.
He does love to help and knows what to do in the house without actually being told.
He had an uneventful childhood with regular ups and downs, nothing traumatic that I can blame this behavior on.
He’s a 100% student and has friends so I’ve never gotten complaints from yeshiva.
My question is, if it’s autism , is there anything I need to do about it? Can anything even be done? I can’t imagine him agreeing to even go see a specialist. He won’t understand why, never mind that it will mess up his schedule, which is the worst for him.
Can it also be that he’s just a super unemotional, introverted type by nature and it’s not necessarily autism?
Thoughts welcome.
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amother




Orange
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 2:28 pm
Sounds like autism. There's a support group someone started recently for autism on slack. Frum women only.
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 2:38 pm
Is this a sudden change over the course of a year or can you pinpoint this throughout his childhood? it can be a sign of trauma or a side affect of a medication/vaccine.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 2:51 pm
English3 wrote:
Is this a sudden change over the course of a year or can you pinpoint this throughout his childhood? it can be a sign of trauma or a side affect of a medication/vaccine.

He has always been this way but I was never concerned because he was doing well in yeshiva and at home and with friends. I never thought of him being on the spectrum. I’m still not sure and still not concerned even if he is, I’m just wondering if there’s anything I’m supposed to do about it.
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amother




Clear
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 2:58 pm
If it’s not affecting his qualify of life in any way then he isn’t going to qualify for a diagnosis. The diagnosis is autism spectrum disorder. Here it doesn’t sound like he has a disorder.

I would dig in deeper to the friends though. What kind of relationship does he have with them? I have ASD and while I had a few friends at that age it was a very superficial friendship.
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amother




Wandflower
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:04 pm
Is he self aware and able to own his issues? Is he aware of the feelings of others? Does he care enough about relationships and other peoples feelings to let go of some of his rigidity for their sake? Is he able to learn be flexible? That’s what would worry me most over here.

Would he go for help if you called it a dating coach?

I know this will sound strange, but a homeopath trained in constitutional homeopathy might be able to help iron out some of the kinks in his wiring without him needing to know about it.
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:05 pm
If he is doing well I would leave it, but I think you should be proactive about his dating and make sure he has a mentor that can train him how to interact with women. As well as to keep your eye out on how he interacts with friends.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:08 pm
amother Clear wrote:
If it’s not affecting his qualify of life in any way then he isn’t going to qualify for a diagnosis. The diagnosis is autism spectrum disorder. Here it doesn’t sound like he has a disorder.

I would dig in deeper to the friends though. What kind of relationship does he have with them? I have ASD and while I had a few friends at that age it was a very superficial friendship.

Thank you for explaining. I agree it’s probably not a disorder because I don’t think it affects his quality of life right now. That said, I definitely do feel his friendships and relationships are quite superficial!
My only concern is down the line when he gets married iyh if it won’t cause problems in his marriage. I wonder if he can connect emotionally to a wife or his DW will be here opening threads about him.
He is a tremendous Baal middos, but he can go a little berserk if something throws off his schedule, or drawer, or bank account, etc.
Are you okay when these little disruptions happen in your life? Do you feel emotionally connected to your DH? Did your DH know about your diagnosis before marriage and was ok with it?
Only answer if your comfortable...
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:11 pm
amother Wandflower wrote:
Is he self aware and able to own his issues? Is he aware of the feelings of others? Does he care enough about relationships and other peoples feelings to let go of some of his rigidity for their sake? Is he able to learn be flexible? That’s what would worry me most over here.

Would he go for help if you called it a dating coach?

I know this will sound strange, but a homeopath trained in constitutional homeopathy might be able to help iron out some of the kinks in his wiring without him needing to know about it.

He’s too young for a dating coach but maybe eventually...
Your last paragraph is interesting. Are you saying that autism can be healed with homeopathy?
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amother




Wandflower
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:22 pm
amother OP wrote:
He’s too young for a dating coach but maybe eventually...
Your last paragraph is interesting. Are you saying that autism can be healed with homeopathy?
I don’t want to make any absolute statements, but there are parents of autistic children that are finding relief with homeopathy, among other treatments.

On a similar note, you may want to consider whether his difficulties fit the bill for ocd. That may open another angle for treatment. Cognitive rigidity, needing everything planned and accounted for, being very measured, and yes, even lack of emotions can all be caused by ocd. Even if he doesn’t have any obvious rituals. This kind of perfectionism and roboticism can stem from an anxious, wired, hyper vigilant brain.

Also I want to point out that it’s hard to imagine him being a Baal middos yet getting bent out of shape when there are changes in plans or a bit of mess. I don’t mean to hurt you at all but it’s basically an oxymoron.
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amother




Tomato
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:56 pm
amother OP wrote:
How strange is it that I only recently noticed that DS 18 is probably on the spectrum, and what am I supposed to do about it?
Behaviors that are pointing me in that direction:
He’s super methodical. Every minute, every dollar, every action is accounted for.
He’s pretty rigid and gets super flustered if his schedule is interrupted. Or if there’s a guest at home he wasn’t consulted about.
He’s pretty introverted and avoids eye contact.
Anything unexpected happening in his day, or in his life bothers him a lot more than others.
He’s a lot more logical than emotional.
He does have friends and gets along with his siblings but his discussions are mostly facts that happened or will happen. Same when he talks to me or DH. He will say what he ate that day and what the plan is for tomorrow.
Not much emotion there. Not much different than a robot.
He does love to help and knows what to do in the house without actually being told.
He had an uneventful childhood with regular ups and downs, nothing traumatic that I can blame this behavior on.
He’s a 100% student and has friends so I’ve never gotten complaints from yeshiva.
My question is, if it’s autism , is there anything I need to do about it? Can anything even be done? I can’t imagine him agreeing to even go see a specialist. He won’t understand why, never mind that it will mess up his schedule, which is the worst for him.
Can it also be that he’s just a super unemotional, introverted type by nature and it’s not necessarily autism?
Thoughts welcome.


I have a son like this too and I have tried helping him but he refuses to go for help.
He is extremely introverted but a genius in yeshiva so of course, I get no complaints.

He talks to his friends when necessary but whenever I hear him on the phone the conversation always goes something like 'Is Chaim there? Do you want to learn tomorrow? What time? Ok.'
Click.

I knew that he was too shy to ask questions during the shiur in yeshiva but I told him he has to ask one a week and slowly he started asking but only because he is very literal and he had to do it because his mother told him to and it is the halacha to obey a parent but he would never do it for any other reason.

He is a great child to raise. So kind and easy. Always asks if I need help and always thanks me for everything but I know that he does it because its programed in his head that you are supposed to help and thank a mother.

The thing he knows really well is how to learn. He loves math and esoteric subjects. He can work for an accountant or such a type of thing but I dont think he will ever make it big.

I have done a lot of grieving around this so I (think I...) am entering shidduchim with him a bit more ready to embrace the reality. (Or so I hope...)

I know he needs a unique wife that will appreciate a simple life and be ok with what he is programmed to do and won't need more.

I am not sure how we will find that but I hope that I will be able to let go and let God take care of His creations.
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amother




DarkViolet
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 4:13 pm
If he has friends and does well, he's fine, whether he has autism or not. DH has Asperger's (ASD) and he is logical, stable , intelligent, methodical, and that's what I need. Your DS will get married to someone who gets him too, don't worry.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 4:26 pm
There is no empirical evidence that autism can be "healed" with homeopathy.

But it's also not yet apparent that this is autism.

OP, one really important question is this -- are there things that he is really good at (particularly with regard to memory), and other areas where he has comparatively huge deficits? The uneven profile is an important indicator for ASD.

Another is the ability to understand social convention, and make friends.

Whether or not he would get a diagnosis, you can still read up on HFA, and see what tips and tricks might benefit him, if any.
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amother




Marigold
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 4:32 pm
You're welcome to join our support group if you think you may get answers.
Email hfautismformoms@gmail.com for more details.
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amother




DarkViolet
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 4:38 pm
Also autism is a very broad term. Some people sound just like your son, are super high functioning and quirky. Those don't need much help with anything and usually it only affects as a child, then you have the people who are very much affected by it even when some people say they are high functioning, they are clearly distinguishable from neurotipical and not as high functioning as someone who can blend in.
Just let him be OP, he had friends, sounds fine, he will only resent you if you force him into therapy he doesn't feel he needs.
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imorethanamother




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 4:45 pm
Hi OP!

Most of the women on this thread are speculating. I can talk to you from experience. Please PM me, I could have written your entire post!
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 4:57 pm
amother Tomato wrote:
I have a son like this too and I have tried helping him but he refuses to go for help.
He is extremely introverted but a genius in yeshiva so of course, I get no complaints.

He talks to his friends when necessary but whenever I hear him on the phone the conversation always goes something like 'Is Chaim there? Do you want to learn tomorrow? What time? Ok.'
Click.

I knew that he was too shy to ask questions during the shiur in yeshiva but I told him he has to ask one a week and slowly he started asking but only because he is very literal and he had to do it because his mother told him to and it is the halacha to obey a parent but he would never do it for any other reason.

He is a great child to raise. So kind and easy. Always asks if I need help and always thanks me for everything but I know that he does it because its programed in his head that you are supposed to help and thank a mother.

The thing he knows really well is how to learn. He loves math and esoteric subjects. He can work for an accountant or such a type of thing but I dont think he will ever make it big.

I have done a lot of grieving around this so I (think I...) am entering shidduchim with him a bit more ready to embrace the reality. (Or so I hope...)

I know he needs a unique wife that will appreciate a simple life and be ok with what he is programmed to do and won't need more.

I am not sure how we will find that but I hope that I will be able to let go and let God take care of His creations.

You described my son to the T.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 4:59 pm
imorethanamother wrote:
Hi OP!

Most of the women on this thread are speculating. I can talk to you from experience. Please PM me, I could have written your entire post!

I’m not sure I’m ready but thanks. Will save it for if/when I will be.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 5:00 pm
amother DarkViolet wrote:
If he has friends and does well, he's fine, whether he has autism or not. DH has Asperger's (ASD) and he is logical, stable , intelligent, methodical, and that's what I need. Your DS will get married to someone who gets him too, don't worry.

How is he with inevitable changes? Does he accept them or get bent out of shape?
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Nov 21 2022, 5:05 pm
Quote:


Also I want to point out that it’s hard to imagine him being a Baal middos yet getting bent out of shape when there are changes in plans or a bit of mess. I don’t mean to hurt you at all but it’s basically an oxymoron.

I see why you say that but he’s the one who protects the underdog, remembers to compliment, is nice to his siblings, helps without asking etc. I don’t feel that his getting bent out of shape when things disrupt his schedule completely negates all his good middos. But I do see it as a huge character flaw. Someone can be a Baal middos and still have areas that need to be perfected. Don’t we all?
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