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Age Appropriate Consequence Age 6/7
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 10:31 am
Good morning smart Mamas, I am experiencing a breakdown in discipline with my very beautiful smart wonderful daughter, and am currently dealing with tantrums, defiance, leaving messes, and generally trying my nerves.

I need to find some age-appropriate consequences for her behavior and my mind is blanking. Corporal punishment is not an option.

She loves to read, write, color, and listen to story cd's. Screen time is limited to vacation and summer. She is taking piano lessons and hates practicing.

Please help a highly frustrated mama that is trying to do the right thing.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 10:33 am
Tantrums

Never give in to a tantrum, never change your no to a yes.

Child should not be allowed to tantrum in your presence, she can scream in her room.

Defiance

If child refuses to obey, stay calm and tell her she will get a consequence. You don't have to tell her what it is.

Consequence can be no crafts and no cds for a few days,

Or no dessert and very plain snacks like rice cakes.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 10:54 am
She needs you to collaborate with her. Help her. Guide her.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 10:56 am
I never have given in to a tantrum yet, and I don't think I will. She is physically stronger than me so I cannot remove her from my presence during a tantrum. There is also the factor of her sibling's physical safety.

If I take away her crafts and cd's I am essentially punishing myself by giving her no downtime and inviting more tantrums.

Plain snacks can be an option and have already happened once or twice. I only allow her to take a fruit and a water bottle in addition to her lunch.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 10:57 am
behappy2 wrote:
She needs you to collaborate with her. Help her. Guide her.


I have been talking to her, asking her questions, trying to figure out where this is coming from. So far no dice.
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:02 am
If everything you tried isn’t working then allow me to suggest a novel approach.

Don’t punish. Give in. Say ok. Don’t get into a power struggle.

Give it a couple of days and see if she calms down tremendously from not struggling with you. If you see better results then continue. If not then try something else.

This can work for a generally good smart kid with strong opinions and stubbornness. This type craves being allowed to make decisions and be in charge.

This will not work on a kid who loves to be bad and is chutzpadik.
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amother




Watermelon
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:02 am
What I normally do is I give a warning that I'm about to start counting. Then counting means whatever number I get upto is how many minutes they lose from either watching or reading before bed, in your case you can do listening to the c.d.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:04 am
amother OP wrote:
I have been talking to her, asking her questions, trying to figure out where this is coming from. So far no dice.


Is this new behavior? How is her sleeping and eating? Vitamins may help her calm down.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:10 am
Yeah, it can take time to learn how to get the information. But there IS a reason. Punishing 26 year old me for a bad attitude or leaving messes wouldn't work better or worse, or be more or less logical, than punishing 6 year old me would have been. I truly believe that.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:12 am
amother OP wrote:
I never have given in to a tantrum yet, and I don't think I will. She is physically stronger than me so I cannot remove her from my presence during a tantrum. There is also the factor of her sibling's physical safety.

If I take away her crafts and cd's I am essentially punishing myself by giving her no downtime and inviting more tantrums.

Plain snacks can be an option and have already happened once or twice. I only allow her to take a fruit and a water bottle in addition to her lunch.


Re: tantrums


If you can't remove her, you leave the room if possible.

If not possible get ear plugs and say "go ahead and scream. I can't hear you."

YES, SHE WILL TANTRUM MORE AT FIRST.

In ABA we learn children will increase misbehavior to try to intimidate you to back down.

EXPECT IT and stand firm.

Important that you stay calm, child should see that only child suffers from her misbehavior and she cannot upset the parent.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:14 am
BrisketBoss wrote:
Yeah, it can take time to learn how to get the information. But there IS a reason. Punishing 26 year old me for a bad attitude or leaving messes wouldn't work better or worse, or be more or less logical, than punishing 6 year old me would have been. I truly believe that.


The reason is the child always wants her way and cannot accept a "no".

Extremely common
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:19 am
#BestBubby wrote:
The reason is the child always wants her way and cannot accept a "no".

Extremely common


And?

Adults get the benefit of the doubt that they are doing their best.

Research shows that children are also doing their best. It's easier to be good.
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amother




Clover
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:34 am
Sounds a lot like my 7 yo.
Don't take away something that she has in a social setting.
If she has yummy snacks to take to school, don't switch it out to rice cake. You can do that at home but not in school.
Please just don't. Think about how she'll feel, what it will do to her school performance and if her classmates ask/make a comment, socially. Also kids that age tend to trade snacks, if it's a 'thing' in her class is even worse for her.


Try to figure out if there is a pattern, also why she tantrums. That will help you a lot.


Read the book, the explosive child. It really works!!!

My 7 yo has a short temper / low frustration tolerance. She's also extremely smart and inquisitive. Very very independent nature. It's hard for her to accept a flat NO because she needs to know why. She likes to be on control of her own environment more than the average 7 yo. She also has some medical trauma and being confined as a baby/young toddler so it's from before was able to form proper memories so it's a lot harder to heal.

Just getting to understand where her behavior stems from has helped me be more compassionate and her feeling me, has helped her calm down faster. And be more lenient too.

Sometimes children tantrum for valid reasons. Listen to her. You might be surprised.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:39 am
You can also add rewards for good behavior.

Like, if DD dies not tantrum or Defy for 7 consecutive days, you take her out for ice cream.

Or buy DD a toy (CD, book, craft kit)
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Tzutzie




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:42 am
#BestBubby wrote:
The reason is the child always wants her way and cannot accept a "no".

Extremely common


Hashem have a reason for all mitzvos in the Torah except for a very select few that are a "chuk"
And even those, we know that when the time comes and moshiach will be here, we will find out why.

There is no need for children to have to accept a NO without explanation unless there is a valid reason.

Oftentimes when I tell my children no and I don't want them to know why (for whatever reason) I say "there is a reason why but I can't tell you right now, you will have to trust me on that"
(Also, children don't always have to know everything, if you are leaving the house they don't have to know where you are going there are smart ways of answering that. But if you tell them no so something THEY want to have/do/go to. Then why not tell them why in an age appropriate way?)
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 11:46 am
#BestBubby wrote:
You can also add rewards for good behavior.

Like, if DD dies not tantrum or Defy for 7 consecutive days, you take her out for ice cream.

Or buy DD a toy (CD, book, craft kit)


That's like if I'm going through a really hard time as an adult and you bribe me not to cry. I really don't see the difference.
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amother




Mintcream
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:01 pm
OP, can you give a clear example of her behavior that you want consequences for?
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:07 pm
Tzutzie wrote:
Hashem have a reason for all mitzvos in the Torah except for a very select few that are a "chuk"
And even those, we know that when the time comes and moshiach will be here, we will find out why.

There is no need for children to have to accept a NO without explanation unless there is a valid reason.

Oftentimes when I tell my children no and I don't want them to know why (for whatever reason) I say "there is a reason why but I can't tell you right now, you will have to trust me on that"
(Also, children don't always have to know everything, if you are leaving the house they don't have to know where you are going there are smart ways of answering that. But if you tell them no so something THEY want to have/do/go to. Then why not tell them why in an age appropriate way?)


You can.

But some kids take that to mean that they have to agree with your reason.
And they will argue and argue to wear parent down.

I would give ONE reason. But if child argues, I would say "you are too young to understand. When you are a mommy you will understand. For now, you have to trust Mommy and listen."

But what if your child says

"But all the other mothers let!!!"
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:09 pm
BrisketBoss wrote:
That's like if I'm going through a really hard time as an adult and you bribe me not to cry. I really don't see the difference.


DD is allowed to cry.....in her room.

When DD screams and cries in front of mother, she is punishing mother for saying no. She knows it is very upsetting for mother.
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amother




Ballota
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:13 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
DD is allowed to cry.....in her room.

When DD screams and cries in front of mother, she is punishing mother for saying no. She knows it is very upsetting for mother.


It is a sign of good attachment for a kid to cry in front of parent, it tells you that her emotions are allowed. Never punish a child for having an emotion you should better talk things through in an age apporpiate way like ''you are upset because X you can cry about X is ok, but mommy/daddy can't change it now we will love u''
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