How to Explain Not Touching to Coworkers

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Forum -> Working Women

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YoungMarried1

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:12 am

My work is having a week of in-person meetings for my usually virtual team who I haven't met in person before. Everyone is very friendly (read: lots of hugs) and I am trying to figure out how to word that I can't touch the men in the group. It is tricky because several of the people are LGBT etc and I don't want to offend anyone, but I think it's best to let them know in advance? Any ideas or suggestions welcome, thanks!

SG18

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:18 am

You would be better off figuring out how to say that you won't touch anyone.

ShishKabob

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:19 am

SG18 wrote:

You would be better off figuring out how to say that you won't touch anyone.

Exactly this! Best advice!

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:19 am

YoungMarried1 wrote:

You tell the truth, it’s part of my my religious beliefs to not physically touch others who aren’t relatives or immediate family. Thanks for understanding.

Mike Pence doesn’t touch other women, hold your head up and don’t have shame. Be proud.

Chickensoupprof

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:20 am

You can easily say 'I'm not comfortable with touching anyone, its a sensory thing' or something...

ShishKabob

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:21 am

Chickensoupprof wrote:

You can easily say 'I'm not comfortable with touching anyone, its a sensory thing' or something...

religious thing is better, there are no if's and buts with it, or with someone telling you that they have experience with sensory people and can touch them and so on.

Chickensoupprof

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:22 am

ShishKabob wrote:

religious thing is better, there are no if's and buts with it, or with someone telling you that they have experience with sensory people and can touch them and so on.

Nah in the NL if its a religious thing they will think you join IS or the Taliban that is the thing.

amother

Lily

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:23 am

Unless you know for sure that there someone transgender male to female, I would just leave it at “sorry I don’t touch men I’m not related to. Religious reasons” and only explain more if asked more.

I’ve always found that these types of things are much bigger deals to us than other people and over explaining will make you seem insecure in your decision and leave it open for debate

ShishKabob

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:24 am

Chickensoupprof wrote:

Nah in the NL if its a religious thing they will think you join IS or the Taliban that is the thing.

so now they'll come across someone that is perfectly normal and even very smart and has these boundaries that is NOT part of the Taliban or IS.

amother

Bone

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:26 am

I don’t think you need to verbally say anything. Do it with body language. Hang back and keep your arms crossed. Wave, give a big smile and then cross your arms. You will just come off as friendly but not touchy.

amother

Cyclamen

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:26 am

Directly, unapologetically, firmly and with a smile

Persevere

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:27 am

amother Lawngreen wrote:

Mike Pence does shake hands with women. I think maybe he doesn't eat out alone with other women unless his wife is there, maybe you were confused.

I usually just hold something in my hands. If they persist I just smile and say "oh I don't shake hands, but it's so nice to meet you." They say "oh, ok" awkwardly and then you ask "how was your Thanksgiving?"

There are heterim to shake, but personally I prefer to hold onto this standard. If they think I'm a little bit odd, so be it, I prove my value with the quality of my work.

ShishKabob

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:27 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

Directly, unapologetically, firmly and with a smile

This, can't win with the crazies out there.

YoungMarried1

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:50 am

Thanks everyone! I do think I have to say something, it's a super huggy group and I don't think they'll get the hint if I'm holding something or hang back and cross my arms, etc.

They do already think I'm a religious fanatic since I've opted out of all the dinners out, nights at the bar, and xmas activities they have planned, so I think it's fine to use that as an excuse. What I emailed to everyone in a similar situation in the past was "For religious reasons I do not touch men except for immediate family members (this includes hugging, shaking hands, high fives, etc) I'm giving you the heads up because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and certainly don't intend to offend anyone. I appreciate your understanding and let me know if you have any questions about this." This went over fine last time and people were nice about it.

I forgot to mention in my first post that they will be meeting my husband as well, so that is where the wording gets sticky. "For religious reasons we don't touch people of the opposite gender...." I don't really want to use gender!

amother

Lily

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 10:00 am

YoungMarried1 wrote:

I forgot to mention in my first post that they will be meeting my husband as well, so that is where the wording gets sticky. "For religious reasons we don't touch people of the opposite gender...." I don't really want to use gender!

I don’t think gender would be taken out of context or offensively in this context. If you were to say something like “presenting gender” or “gender identity” I think it would come off as apologetic rather than just saying what you mean

tryinghard

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 10:05 am

Pre-Covid, I was once at a conference during flu season, and when I said, "sorry I don't shake hands," the guy said , "Oh that's smart, I probably shouldn't either!". Now Covid has made that assumption even more common.

PinkFridge

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 10:28 am

amother Lawngreen wrote:

No, the belief is not to touch members of the opposite gender.

YoungMarried1

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 10:56 am

tryinghard wrote:

Yes, social distancing was SO convenient for these situations!!!

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 1:44 pm

YoungMarried1 wrote:

I think this is the way to go. Op, you worked it so nicely last time. Of you want to be sensitive maybe use the wording " my husband and I don't touch members of the opposite s*x etc.." gender is the tricky word here. S*x is not ambiguous, as it refers to male or female bodies literally where as gender is now considered something different and a social construct, something personal and fluid. I could be wrong but you can check that out. I think being direct and friendly about it is the right way to go. Also giving them a heads-up so they dont feel embarrassed when you reject their friendly advances is nice.

happyone

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 1:47 pm

Today it's easy to blame on Covid. I used to find honesty about religion give me the respect with no hard feelings.

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