Food boundaries? | Imamother

amother

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 11:23 am

My 3 year old boy does whatever he wants. I give natural consequences as things come up, and do something stronger for physical things like hurting others. But in general I don’t like doing time out or anything intense unless it’s violence. He has a great personality, is independent and strong willed, and really doesn’t care what people tell him lol.
Recently he’s been doing whatever he wants in the kitchen. I try to set up for technical success but he’s old enough to learn boundaries. I’m fine with cabinet locks but a lock on the fridge is too much for me. Even beyond that- he’ll get a chair and help himself to something on the counter. Last night I left two muffins out and you can guess what happened this morning.
He knows he’s not supposed to. He knows he needs to ask. But he doesn’t. Because he simply doesn’t want to.
What kind of consequence would work for this? I do think he needs something negative to remind him that he needs to listen to rules, because what I’ve been doing until now clearly isn’t working.

BrisketBoss

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 11:40 am

A boundary is all about what you will do. It's not about controlling anyone else's choices. This is true with adult-to-adult relationships and it's true even in parenting.

The only way to protect your boundary here is to prevent him from doing it. Once he does it, you've already failed to enforce the boundary in that instance. Make sense?

You may have to do some intensive work for a day or two--stay with him or have someone else do it when you can't. Stop him from causing trouble in the kitchen. Say "I won't let you do that." If he is never able to do it, then a new pattern will be established and some brain rewiring should happen, which will help a lot.

In the meantime, as 3 year olds are still not known for their impulse control, I probably wouldn't leave out muffins when the kid is not being watched. I've learned that the hard way with my own 3. ;-)

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 11:43 am

amother OP wrote:

You left muffins out.
The consequence is that now they are gone.
That's how natural consequences work.

amother

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 11:52 am

amother Calendula wrote:

I don’t think you can give a ‘consequence’ if you never put any parameters on what he can and can’t do.

OT: I’ve never heard of a 3 year old doing what he wants, full stop. What made you choose to set up your family this way?

Oh there are definitely parameters. Maybe my post was misleading.
In general I have firm rules and when I say natural I mean that the consequence makes sense. Boundaries are not a problem.
My living area is set up for little kids- nothing delicate out, bottom bookshelves packed in, cabinet locks, child friendly couch etc.

He knows he isn’t supposed to go into the fridge and grab things and eat them or do whatever. He knows he isn’t supposed to climb and try to get chocolate. He needs to learn how to listen to it and control himself. He doesn’t ask, he just takes. He simply doesn’t care.
I do think that he needs to learn. I don’t think you can let a child do whatever they want simply because you left things out or didn’t lock the fridge. Don’t think that’s normal.

amother

Blue

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 11:54 am

amother OP wrote:

When is he doing stuff in the kitchen unsupervised? No one noticed hom moving chairs around in the kitchen?

Maybe he needs closer supervision? I think he needs to be redirected when he is trying to do stuff like this, in addition to natural consequences. If muffin was supposed to be a treat for another time, tell him he won't be able to have a treat then.

I get that is hard with a willful child who doesn't seem to care about the word no. IYH he will use these qualities for good in the future. Smile

mushkamothers

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 11:58 am

amother OP wrote:

I make food accessible in the fridge for my kids to take. I don't let the almost-2 year old open it bc he'll break the door but the 3y absolutely can get his own foods.

Maybe he's simply hungry. What if you had snacks out that were approved?

amother

Calendula

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 11:58 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m sorry I misunderstood your entire post. I though there are no rules or boundaries at all

amother

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 12:00 pm

He manages to do it before I can notice. I have other kids as well, I’m not following his every step. I can even be in the kitchen and making lunches and my back is turned, or changing a baby’s diaper, or or or…
My place isn’t big but there’s no way for me to track him constantly. He would hate it as well.
I love his personality don’t get me wrong but I need to teach him that taking raw eggs out of the fridge isn’t what he’s supposed to be doing.

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 12:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

The normal nature of a 3 year old is to lack impulse control and to want to be independent. So your 3 yr old is acting like a 3yr old.

You as a mother are trying to curb this behavior and civilize him, so to speak. Ok.

But you left this very exciting food out in his reach and he acted age appropriately. If he now has a stomach ache because of it, that's the natural consequence. Sounds more like you are looking to punish him. Honestly, I think anything more than saying "oh, no! you ate the muffins! now we'll have to skip snack later because you already had it," is too much. Keep repeating the message that we don't just take what we want (and do a better job not leaving such tempting obstacles in his way) and he will, as he matures, get the message.

And P.S. be prepared for the possible natural consequence of denying him snack later: temper tantrum!

amother

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 12:11 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

It’s nothing to do with hunger. He was eating breakfast this morning when he took the muffins.

amother

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 12:12 pm

amother SandyBrown wrote:

It needs to be immediate or he won’t connect the dots.

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 12:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

It’s nothing to do with hunger. He was eating breakfast this morning when he took the muffins.

I think there are different issues.

A three year old has poor impulse controls. The muffins were simply too tempting and had nothing to do with hunger. You need to put these kinds of irresistible foods out of sight and out of reach. Deferring gratification is a development milestone - they have done studies where they tell children they can have one cookie right away or if they wait they can have three cookies. Not all children wait - I guess this is also true of adults as well having different ability to control their impulses.

There are things that are either dangerous - climbing on a counter or chair or very messy - taking out a raw egg and dropping it on the floor. I think one just enforces that such behavior isn't acceptable just as one would do if a kid is leaping from a sofa or jumping off the dresser or bed.

I also think an issue is a child developing autonomy at three and therefore needing to be able to take food as part of their movement to controlling their environment and becoming independent. Perhaps you can arrange the refrigerator so that food that is okay for him to take is on a lower shelf - I have trouble reaching the top shelves of my refrigerator so I imagine a toddler would have problems reaching them as well. Again, to the extent that there is dangerous behavior like bringing a chair over to the refrigerator to access a top shelf, them deal with that behavior as the food part is irrelevant.

Of course I am basing this on there not being some kind of eating or metabolic disorder so that food itself is the issue.

amother

NeonOrange

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 12:32 pm

amother Calendula wrote:

You never heard of a 3 year old doing what he wants? I have a 3 year old and many times he doesn’t listen to set parameters. I did not ‘choose’ to set up my family that way. I’ve never heard of children who are obedient all the time.

amother

Petunia

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 12:34 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I’d do logical consequences. If he ate muffins in the morning that weren’t meant for him I’d leave out the cookies in his snack for the day.
I don’t think realistically you can keep an eye on a kid 24/7.

I don’t think using food as any form of consequence (or reward) is a good thing to do.

Good Friend

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 12:38 pm

Following.
My 3 year old is the same way, doesn't care what I say or do. His favorite activity which he does several times daily is spill liquids. He'll drink a little and pour the rest of his water on the floor. I'll make him clean it up which he happily does and then spills another drink. Recently he got a bottle of Snapple at a birthday party. I was watching him drink after warning him he better not spill it, but was called away to another child, and the next thing you know he had dumped it into a bucket of clics. So now all the clics are sticky... You get the picture. I can very much relate and am following for solutions!

BrisketBoss

Fri, Dec 02 2022, 12:47 pm

Good Friend wrote:

Are you giving him more drink right after he spills? I wouldn't.

Are you giving him other opportunities for pouring/spilling play? Kids that age love this stuff.

Also warning little kids not to do something can be counterproductive. Often better to express faith but stay close. Or not allow the situation to begin--depending.

(Children who are expected to misbehave are more likely to live up to those expectations.)

Last edited by BrisketBoss on Fri, Dec 02 2022, 1:29 pm; edited 1 time in total