Vent: there is no such thing as a PART TIME MOTHER!!!!

amother

Amaranthus

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 3:40 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Part time mother doesn't exist in my world. Parenting is 24/7 every day of the week. A king or queen can abdicate from their position. Parents can not.

Let's put it this way, a whole lot of parents don't see their children as their responsibility during school hours. They see themselves as responsible for their children before and after school, and on holidays and weekends. And then they push for those holidays to be cut shorter, too, because it's just too much time parenting at once, they and their kids both need their kids to be in school, too much time at home is awful.

walmart

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 3:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hate the expression full time mother that I see around. Like a mother who works is only a part time mother.
No. She's a full time mother who's squeezing everything into less the time.

Never heard this term. I think you're reading FTM as full time mother when it's meant as First Time Mom.

amother

Glitter

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 4:14 pm

I'm reading posts here saying that the children suffer bec the mother's are working.

I don't agree. My mother worked full time. Not 40 hours but bus to bus. Owns a business. I did not suffer.
Whoever needed therapy and extracurricular got it. Home cooked meals, gourmet Yom tov meals. Etc
Yes, we had dental visits and eye appts. I love my mom and have tremendous respect for her.

Do some families suffer? Probably. But this all children suffer is total BS.

amother

DarkRed

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 4:18 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

It is not balony. It is not humanly possible for a mom that comes and goes together with her children, to be there for her kids all the way. And if she ownes a business, I also don't believe that she wasn't busy with the business when the children were at home.
There is no question that children pay the price for their working mom. Especially if mom works full time or mom is busy with work at home.

amother

Whitewash

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 4:35 pm

I would define a full time mother as a mother who doesn't do any other work. Doesn't mean she is more present for her children then a working mother, you can be a terrible mother and be a full time mother. A full time mother might spend a lot of her time at gym or at lunch with friends while leaving her kid with a babysitter, true. I mean, you could call also her a socialite in that case...

As for women who have all their kids in school...I guess if you have enough kids there are probably plenty of tasks to keep you busy all day. Cooking, cleaning, household management, kids appointments. You then have more energy and time for your kids and can spend time with them when they are home. And get enough sleep. Sure, there are mothers who do all this stuff while holding down jobs outside the home (whether working from home or a workplace) but they either don't do it as well, are very tired, or have incredible energy and motivation levels . Or really really love coffee. I recently increased my working hours and my house tidyness level is definitely suffering!

I don't think there is a mitzva to suffer. I have all my kids in school and would be bored out of my mind to be a full time mother. I don't think it would make me personally a better mother. But some women find it very very challenging to work, manage the house and the kids and the dentist appointments...I dont't think its a terrible thing if a full time/non working mother actually has spare hours in the day to breathe and maybe even get lunch with a friend once in a while.

amother

Glitter

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 5:22 pm

amother DarkRed wrote:

My mom is super mom. I promise I didn't suffer.

Now that I have my own family, I know how hard it is. I am working too.

I won't get into what type of business it was, cuz I'll be outing myself but she was not very busy with it.
Yes, we all are go getters and we helped at home - age appropriate. No one is resentful today. (yes, as kids of course we kvetched)

My childhood wasn't perfect. I have my issues too, but her working was not the culprit.

It is not fair to be guilting mothers into, 'your kids will be damaged', neither is it fair to tell stay at home moms that they must be 'sitting with their feet up all day'.

singleagain

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 5:29 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

Wait a minute. I thought my mom was super... JK 😜

No but honestly my mom also worked my entire life 24/7 and she used to carry her beeper on Shabbat because it was that kind of job that she needed to be on call and I never felt like I suffered because she worked. In fact, I completely admire her in so many different ways.

I agree with glitter that working mom does not automatically equal damage children

amother

Pear

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 5:34 pm

It is not a contest
And we are not here for employee of the month prize
If moms can get free time naps self care time and flexibility then I say B”H
And wish that for everyone
Being the best mommy we can be looks different for everyone
Hopefully we are all good parents

Being a martyr is not a goal to which we should aspire

G-d Willing we build each other up

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 5:41 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Part time mother doesn't exist in my world. Parenting is 24/7 every day of the week. A king or queen can abdicate from their position. Parents can not.

A parent can give their kid up for adoption, also abusive parents often don't care that they are parents and neglect their kids. So it can happen.

amother

Hydrangea

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 5:42 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

Bus to bus is part time, especially for preschool, & did she have off erevs & vacation days? Not comparable to 40 hours + commute

amother

Hydrangea

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 5:46 pm

amother Pear wrote:

The bolded exactly. I wish I would've learned earlier that it's not a mitzva or any kind of value to always be chasing your tail. Having some time to relax is perfectly ok.

amother

Phlox

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 6:41 pm

I am a SAHM, have full time cleaning help, and yet domt have five minutes to sit down and breath. Coffee and manicures??!?!?!? Hahahaha, I wish. I ran out od the kitchen now to lof onto imamother for two minutes of breathing. Thank You Hashem for all the blessings. But to say that being a SAHM (and having cleaning help etc) means living a life of leisure. Thats narrow mindedness. Little babies and toddlers take up every second of your day.

amother

Snowflake

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 9:05 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

So just because you feel you didn’t suffer—that means it’s a general rule? You joking?
You’re the exception not the rule

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 9:11 pm

amother Snowflake wrote:

This is a no brainer
If she’s not physically home and someone else is taking physical care of her child, she’s not their caregiver at that time
What’s hard to understand?

What if the father is that someone else? Is that still damaging to the child?

singleagain

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 10:12 pm

amother Snowflake wrote:

This is a no brainer
If she’s not physically home and someone else is taking physical care of her child, she’s not their caregiver at that time
What’s hard to understand?

Because caregiver is a lot more than just physical needs taken care of.

Greenapple

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 10:32 pm

amother Narcissus wrote:

I was using that as an example of what "keeps moms busy". So many moms I speak to who don't work or barely work say things like that keep them busy and they have no time to spare.

I instead focus on what has to be done, ignore the fake and meaningless junk, and do everything my kids need. I just have no time to myself and sacrifice my sleep.
But I do everything necessary and even some things "extra". My kids get to their therapies, doctors appointments, dental exams... have clean clothes, take their vitamins, have quality time with me and...
There is nothing that they are losing out because I work. And I have to work to pay my bills. Nothing extra- just rent, tuition...

I second that. I work because I need it for bread.

The weekly grocery order becomes a family outing (FYI Tuesday 6:00 the stores are empty), I bake with my kids lkuved YT and do daily crafts with them. I print them out color by numbers from my job. My day is around my kids, even while Im working, I make sure to stop every hour or so and think about my kids.