When you bring your toddler to visit family

amother

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:12 pm

It's been a while since I've had babies and toddlers.
Over Chanuka, I hosted a a few different families for parties, for meals.
All of them left the highchair as is. With the mashed banana and shmeared yogurt all over the tray.
When I said something to the mother, she reacted quite horribly, like I was asking her something unreasonable.
So I'm taking a poll.
What's reasonable to expect young mothers to clean.

amother

Foxglove

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:22 pm

Honestly I’d be embarrassed to leave it a mess. If it was my siblings or parents houses I might just wipe it down and not get all the groves but someone’s high chair who isn’t my family I would be way to embarrassed not to clean very well.

amother

Stoneblue

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:25 pm

Especially if these are DIL, it's possible that they aren't expected to clean up by their own mothers- either as away of her taking care of them or because the mother likes to deal on her own with her kitchen- and she doesn't know any different. It's also possible that they forgot, especially if they got really harried at some point.

I would ask politely next time as a request, without implying that they should already know or should have remembered. And I would ask early enough that they are not already putting on the kid's coat.

amother

Peachpuff

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:27 pm

It depends how overwhelmed I am. If I barely get a minute to put down the baby and eat, I'm probably not going to prioritize the high chair tray over that.

In general I try not to leave a mess, but I'm not the most together person and I probably goof up a lot.

And if someone reminded me I might feel hurt or embarrassed or get defensive, not because I objectively think it's okay to leave a mess.

amother

Lightcyan

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:29 pm

As a guest, I would ask, where is the best place for me to clean the tray- ie. should I wipe it with paper towels or wash it down with soap in the kitchen or bathroom sink.

As a host, I would say, OMG, I’ve got that, you have your hands occupied with your baby. Sit, enjoy/ prevent your kids from terrorizing my home, wrangle your baby into a snow suit…... (It might be because I really don’t want them to bother and I want them to relax and enjoy or I don’t want them invading my kitchen, or I feel they will do it wrong and possibly make something trief. My motives can change).

Highstrung

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:34 pm

Before I agree to be a hostess I make a note to myself that my guests may not clean up after themselves and then I make a decision whether I still want to be that hostess or not.
Parties and family get together can be crowded and overwhelming and some people when they are ready to leave just go without any thought to cleaning up. Especially those with toddlers and babies kvetching. So I cut everyone some slack .

amother

Wheat

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:45 pm

I would definitely do SOMETHING to clean it up, depending on how available the host is to direct me to their cleaning stuff, at least to wipe it down if I can't ask for anything else to use. Heck, use your own baby wipes that I'm sure you brought with you. It's pretty icky to leave something smeared with yogurt or kid food behind when you've been in someone's house.

imorethanamother

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:46 pm

I host all the time on shabbos, and most people don't clean off the high chair tray, just like most people don't start washing their own plates in the sink. They may bring it into the kitchen to help me, but that's it. I don't mind, it's part of being a host. Messes will occur.

It all depends on circumstance. Are you the bubby in this scenario? Some people are overly sensitive to mess, and you usually should say something if you feel that way.

imaima

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:51 pm

My own high chair doesn’t get cleaned right away because I have my hands full with the toddler. I don’t think I would clean the crevices of a high chair in someone else’s house.
I do wipe down when my kids make a mess on the floor or other unusual places, but on a high chair try it’s localized and it’s probably not a priority for the mother if compared with keeping the child safe or from damaging the rest of the house

amother

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:51 pm

Im not the Bubby

I'm the older sister/sister in law/aunt who ended up hosting multiple parties that were supposed to be group efforts in my house and ended up being way more work and way more people than previously expected.

These relatives had committed to helping make the party with me and didn't. So yes I'm annoyed.
But when I saw the highchair trays covered in hardened shmeared banana chunks, soup, avocado and pieces of food. That got me really frustrated.

imaima

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

When you host you always end up the one with the most work

That’s just how it is

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:54 pm

I'm thinking when my siblings come for Shabbos and they use our highchair, they wipe it up superficially (like, so it's clean enough sitting there), but I generally give it a more thorough wipedown after Shabbos, before taking it back down to the basement storage.

I mean, I don't expect them to do a whole job on Shabbos, but OTOH, leaving spilled food behind is gross. You clean up your own toddler's mess.

NotInNJMommy

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 3:11 pm

I would always do a quick wipe down of the mess and not leave mess there, but in most situations not be wiping it down with soap and water unless this was a sleeping over type arrangement or I was in a place that felt like a "home away from home" familiarity. If it were like that, I'd be at a minimum proactively attempting to clean it thoroughly unless the hostess asked me to leave it.

Highstrung

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 3:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

It’s the straw that broke the camels back. You are harboring resentment that you did way more than you were expecting to , and your feelings are totally acceptable. Take it as a lesson for the future. Whenever you are the hostess you end up doing the mostess.
Guests come in all types, some will not clean up after themselves and feel entitled to being a guest and nothing else. You may choose not to invite certain family members in the future. Or you may choose to be the guest next time.
But remember , when you do host, you need to let go of any expectation of getting help, of mentchlicheit, of decency, of appreciation etc. Whatever you do receive is a bonus , but letting go of expecting any of it helps with the aftermath. BTDT.

SwissAlps

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 3:39 pm

It depends on how busy I am in the moment. I try to wipe it down with water but it doesn't always happen. Same with sweeping up the area around where my baby or toddler ate. I try to do it but sometimes my kids just need my attention right then and it doesn't get done.

It could be this is what happened but I hear your frustration especially because you prepared the party without any of their contribution. But if they were busy right then taking care of their kids I could see why they would be annoyed at you asking to clean it up.

Don't know what happened but if it is not this scenario than yes, I would be very annoyed.