Is it rude to ask where clothes are from?

amother

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:08 am

Wow definitely going to avoid asking in the future.

I use hand me downs for my kids but don’t find it embarrassing to say that I do - kids need a whole new wardrobe every season, who has patience to do all that shopping? And who can afford it. But I get that not everyone feels that way.

Small talk is so hard for me! Im sad about losing this question lol. I’d appreciate any suggestions for small talk things to say at Simcha.

amother

Jasmine

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:14 am

I find it so interesting. I am so proud to tell you that my great dress was a thrift find.
I am going shopping later today, and it is a little bit of a drive away from my community. If the sale is as expected I post on the WhatsApp group what the discount was, how much merchandise I found/they had and whether it is worth the shlep.

I love saying being able to say that my shaital which I get compliments on is actually a box and a dozen years old.

I got 2 compliments on my coat this week and gladly shared that I got it at Loehmann’s when my seminary age DD was in with me and in the stroller.

Why is it impressive to spend more? Looking good at paying a premium isn’t a skill, it’s for suckers. Looking like a million bucks on a dollar twenty five is something to be proud of.

amother

Jasmine

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:18 am

amother OP wrote:

Personally, I think you are good.
On this site however, I have learned that it is not that you need to learn what to say to someone at a simcha, you need to learn not to speak to people at a simcha or anywhere. It is wrong to compliment them or ask them anything, wrong to tell them anything about yourself or your family. Definitely don’t ask how they are, and definitely don’t make eye contact.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:22 am

amother Jasmine wrote:

You are blowing this way out of proportion and are really exaggerating. It has zero to do with this site.
Some questions are just inappropriate to ask and may make others feel uncomfortable. It is very nosy to ask where others clothing are from, especially if you're not really interested in knowing. It's just for nosiness sake and isn't a nice middah at all.
Go ahead and compliment, talk to people, smile at people, without asking nosy questions that may make them feel uncomfortable.

amother

Currant

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:29 am

I don't get the shame of hand me downs. I grew up very comfortable financially and we always passed clothes on around the family when they were in good condition. Pretty much everyone I know passes clothes on to friends and family if they don't need them anymore, because why not??

I think we need to over the embarrassment of where we buy out clothes at.

Also, telling where something is from doesn't always give away price. Maybe you bough on sale? If you're embarrassed about what you spend on your clothes, maybe shop elsewhere?

amother

Gold

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:30 am

I think it's a very commonly asked question, and I don't think it's rude as long as it's not too intrusive. Meaning if in a light way, it's something like what a beautiful dress, where'd you get it from? I think it becomes rude when someone pries, asks more than once in the conversation, OR seems really nosy. Usually people just want to know because they want to get one themselves, and if it's from Amazon why not?

amother

Olive

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:30 am

Op, you can compliment someone on what they’re wearing… “so pretty… you look so good…” but you shouldn’t ask where they bought it. Some people have money and might buy things in upper class stores that are quite expensive. I have one sister in law I would never ask where she shops because she’s very well to do and probably shops at exclusive stores.
I have another sis in law I made the mistake of complimenting her daughter’s coat and asked where she bought it… first she said that someone gave it to her.. later she told me it was from a gemach.. so I learned that it’s best not to ask that question usually. For sure compliment but leave it at that.

amother

NeonPurple

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:32 am

I don't think it's rude per se , but it might make someone uncomfortable, as many people said, so I think if you are really looking to buy that item then it's more acceptable to ask, like I love xyz and I have been looking for something like it, do you remember where you got it or something like that (so they can also respond I don't remember or it was from a few years ago or something like that). If it's just for small talk I would try to come up with some other things to say. You can even say wow I love your dress it's so unique or I always loved that color it looks great with your complexion... And then they can decide if they want to volunteer where it is from or if they have a story behind it.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:44 am

amother Gold wrote:

Just because it has become a common question in the yenta frum world, it doesn't make it appropriate and not rude. We've become so used to yenta questions, that we think it's ok and appropriate. Most of the time, people just ask for curiosity or conversations sake and are judgmental and look down at those that say they shop at Target or Amazon for clothing.

lamplighter

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:09 am

All the responses of "just say the brand" are actually exactly the point.
If the clothes are hand me downs or gemach or you buy cheap clothes than you have no idea about brands, you don't know don't care and probably never looked.
Asking about gowns where hand me downs and gemachs are much more common (or whatever it is in your circles) than asking about regular clothes.

singleagain

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:12 am

For anyone who doesn't want to admit they got it second hand or whatever.. Why not just answer to those question with "I can't remember" you're not gonna get the world to stop asking questions it think is rude, better to just have an answer to deflect if needed.

amother

Phlox

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:15 am

amother OP wrote:

Any topic can be hard:
What school is your daughter in- no highschool accepted her
How's the couple- divorced two months ago
etc. etc.

watergirl

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:19 am

singleagain wrote:

Seriously. If someone asks you a question and you don't want to answer, any vague reply is fine. If you got the item from a gmach, you don't need to tell that to anyone, just say you got it from a friend, it didn't work for them so it was passed onto you.

For those who think this is a rude thing to do - recognize it for what it most likely is - the person is a human who is looking to connect to another human. If you don't like the way the connection was initiated, you can change the topic. I would say 99% of the time, the person is not trying to be nosey or rude. There will always be that person who is trying to dig for information, but we need to assume the best in people's intentions.

There is a women in my community who is always posting in the group chats different gofundme and mealtrains for her family members and for herself. She is vocal that she has no money, ever. I can imagine that 1% of the people who say "where did you get that dress" to her secretly asking to yent to others that they saw this lady wearing a brand new dress and she's always mooching for money, etc.... I think MOST people would assume that she got a gift card from our local chessed org and that's how she got the dress. Why? Because that is the halacha.

amother

Currant

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:54 am

amother Phlox wrote:

When I wear a gorgeous dress/top/skirt from a cheap store and someone asks where it's from, I always say a higher end store name.
"Your dress (Burlington's best!!) is stunning! Where'd you pick it up?"
"Novella on 13th. "

Why??

amother

Marigold

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 11:00 am

I find it interesting that people find it rude to ask adults, but treat younger people differently. My daughter in college was asked by an older person in a supervisory role--"Wow! Where did you get that skirt--I had the same one when I was in high school." Now it was a totally legit hand-me-down from her aunt with very good taste, but who is to say it wasn't from a thrift store? I thought that was out of line because this person knew it wasn't new.

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 11:02 am

amother DarkOrange wrote:

Yes, it's extremely rude. Never ask me such a personal question!

Someone recently asked me where my sheitel is from because she liked it. I said it's second hand and she flinched. She could have said Gorgeous sheitel and had I wanted, I would've added details.

It's absolutely none of your business where I shop and how much I spent.

I see it as yachna and nosey. It's such a Jewish thing.

Agree. Super annoying and nosy. I dress really well but almost my clothing is from second hand sites and anyhow ugh MYOB. As far as recipes, people find it super flattering when you ask for their recipes. It's totally different. Personally, I'll compliment your food but ill never ask for the recipe- I'd rather watch paint dry than discuss food prep.

Eta: I'll also occasionally spend a ton of money on an item and have no interest in sharing that info either.

In summary: annoying and rude. But hey, some people think asking how much rent you pay is acceptable small talk so... What

amother

Mint

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 11:03 am

amother DarkOrange wrote:

Why didn’t you just say the company?

amother

Hunter

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 11:05 am

Yes, it's rude. I'm surprised to be in the minority here.

It's okay to say, "I love your taste, and I've had a hard time shopping lately. Can you recommend some stores?" Anything more specific, and you're basically asking someone how much she paid. Not cool.

You can talk about shopping, if that's your thing, in a general sense. You can talk about current events (not overt politics) or about something you've read recently. You can talk about how much you like the food/band/hall at the simcha, or ask if the person had a lot of traffic getting to the event. People love to talk about traffic, in my experience.