Feeling a bit weird - my child is now sharing a name

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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

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amother

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:18 pm

First off, I fully understand no one owns a name, and that this should be my worst problem in life.

My last name is very unusual. My husband's family, and one other family, are the only people with this last name. We live in the same community as the other family, attend the same shuls, events, dinners, etc, but we are unrelated.

My husband and I had a baby. Another couple our age in the other family had a baby after us, and gave theirs the exact same first name. To be clear: I fully understand they have every right to do that, and I'm not upset with them. However, I can't help but feel upset at the inevitable frustration this will cause. Now there are two kids the same age, in the same social and geographic circle, with the exact same first and unusual last name.

There's a decent chance they will go to the same school and be in the same grade. Or the same camps or programs. And even if they don't, they are guaranteed to have mutual friends/acquaintances. I feel like my child is now set up for a lifetime of "which one? That one, or the other one?" or "not that one, the other." I'd feel differently if it was a very common name, like Jacob Cohen or something, but these are going to be the same two people getting constantly mixed up for each other. Neither of us has any plans to leave this community, but even if one of us did, there are still so many family and friends intertwined with us both.

Those are my practical concerns. On an emotional level, I also feel a bit sad, like I lost something in being "___ ___'s mommy." Because now I'm not the only one who can say that; there's another practically around the corner. I know that's coming from an irrational place so I'm trying to ignore those feelings. It's just that no one else with this last name shares a first name, and that's what I expected to continue. It'd be one thing if it was some random person born in a few years across the country, but not so close to home and so close in age.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. Chizzuk? Tell me I'm overthinking it? It's helpful just to type it out, so thanks for letting me share at least.

amother

Ballota

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:22 pm

Beyond overthinking it.

They may move

You may move

Schools open

Schools close

They may choose a different school, camp.

One kid may get held back

Or pushed up

Or anything

Not to mention: you have no way of knowing why they chose the name. Named for someone special or deeply meaningful. I doubt you even popped into their head when they were naming

Way overthinking

amother

Aster

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:23 pm

It’ll probably fade with time. My sister named her baby the same exact name I used for our baby. I was very surprised and taken aback because it wasn’t the only family name or the one people would expect her to use. But now two years later I’m much more ok with it

amother

Honey

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:26 pm

I’m sorry to say this…and I don’t intend to sound mean

Do you have a low self esteem?

A particular need to feel special?

happy chick

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:29 pm

Maybe you're overthinking, but I totally understand you. Is it possible you can use a nickname? Even something like shlomo/shloimy or zalman/zalmy, etc. Or they could be Chaim ben yossi and Chaim ben sholom.

And if they're both boys, none of them will be changing their last names when they get married.

erm

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:32 pm

There are a bunch of kids with the same last and first name in our family. It was never an issue

amother

Chambray

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:33 pm

amother Honey wrote:

I’m sorry to say this…and I don’t intend to sound mean

Do you have a low self esteem?

A particular need to feel special?

So nasty.

As someone who shared a name with someone in my community (we are 4 years apart so less extreme than your example even) it’s not the biggest deal but I totally get why OP is bothered. Especially if it’s a unique name.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:33 pm

Call your son by a different nickname.
Is that possible?

amother

Seablue

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:34 pm

OP, while we all know that in the long run this won’t be the tragedy that it feels like now, I can absolutely imagine feeling the same way as you in the moment.
Mazel tov, first of all Smile

Postpartum is so emotional all around, surely this doesn’t make the issue easier.
I’d imagine one or both of these little guys will have a nickname, and they’ll most likely have different personalities too.
Hopefully once they’re actual people (you know what I mean) this issue will fade, and the world will learn to identify them from each other.
Hugs.

DVOM

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:37 pm

Mazal tov!!!

Because you asked to be talked off this cliff: you are definitely overthinking this.

Your ascribing meaning where there is none. Your child's specialness and value doesn't have anything to do with them being the only one with that name. Your value as a mother has nothing to do with being the only one with a child with this name.

As for mix up and confusion, who cares? If people get confused, people will ask a quick question or 2 and figure it out.

Perhaps it may be the start of a special and beautiful bond between these two first cousins who share a name?

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:40 pm

I'd be glad. As someone with a"unique" surname in my neighborhood (as an adult I discovered that it's not entirely unknown elsewhere), I was relieved to get married and acquire a garden-variety name at last. It's not always fun to have a unique name, and it's often quite painful. Now your child at least has a buddy in the same boat.

BTW do the kids have the same middle name? How about nicknames? In your shoes I'd probably start calling my kid by a nickname, or his double name, or King Firstname The First to distinguish him from the other kid whom I'd refer to as King Firstname the Second.

You do need to prepare yourself for a lot of confusion, but this sort of thing is hardly uncommon. It happens a lot when brothers name their close-in-age kids after the same antecedent. You're unusual only in that you and this other family aren't related. My mother had three, count 'em three, first cousins on her father's side with the same name as her. (Their surname was also not a garden-variety name, I never knew anyone with the same name, but in adulthood I discovered that there were many people with the same name, with identical or slightly variant spellings.) Being girls, they acquired new surnames upon marriage, and we always referred to them by full name "Cousin Hannah Springer" "Cousin Hannah Miller" "Cousin Hannah Weiss" .

But confusion can occur even when names aren't identical. My dd had a classmate with the same surname, different given name and very different address, yet the school was forever mixing up their records.

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:42 pm

Majorly overthinking. If it really does bother you use a nickname so that they aren't called the exact same name.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:44 pm

I hear you, op!
I do think that the feelings will fade over time, but for now, I just want to say I hear you.

amother

Aconite

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:47 pm

My niece has a girl in her class with the exact same name. Uncommon last name and they are not related. They’re still young so we’ll see how it plays out, but it does happen.

My son and my nephew also have the same exact name, and we live in the same building now.
It could lead to mixups but my son and nephew bonded and I think it helped made them close.

amother

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:47 pm

Thanks for the quick responses! You're all right, anything can change. They did mention at the bris why they chose the name and it wasn't something especially deep, but again, I fully acknowledge it's their right to use it even if they picked it randomly out of a hat. I genuinely never have felt low self esteem or insecure, but I can see why you'd ask.

I know any emotional feelings are irrational, so I really am mostly concerned about the logistics. IDK, I grew up with a very common name combo (like Jacob Cohen but for girls) and that was fine. This feels different because it's not a generic combo where there's bound to be lots of others with it, they're going to be the only 2 people in the country (unless another person in either of our families chooses it again later on, anything can happen!) and our lives have so much overlap and I can just envision all the potential confusion.

I'm totally willing to accept that I am overreacting, but let's say we do both stay here and they end up going to the same school - that's not going to be at least a little annoying for them to be in the same grade? Not even to both be Jacob C., say one Cohen and one Caplan, but both Jacob Uniquelastname? I get it, worst case scenario is probably just a few questions to clarify which one is being talked about, but it just bums me out that is going to have to be a common occurrence.

Also to clarify they're not cousins, we're not related. Thanks again for all the input! It's definitely helping me sort out all my feelings and yes you're all correct that I'm sure it will fade in time Smile

amother

Carnation

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:48 pm

If you are next door neighbors and you converse with them all the time so it might put a strain. OP nobody will get mixed up, this is years down the line. Make a joke about it so your DC does not feel bad.

aqua1

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:50 pm

OP, I understand why you may feel hurt.
I just want to bring another perspective. The other couple may have been planning for this name during their pregnancy. They may have felt a similar way to how you feel now when they heard what you named your baby. For whatever reason they still named this name, but understand that they may (or may not) share similar feelings to you.

amother

NeonPurple

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 7:27 pm

I had a second cousin in my grade with the same unique name combo.
She was way more popular and creative.
I used to hate it and it was really hard in a way.
I was always the other one.
And it did bother me a lot so op I do understand your frustration.

amother

Valerian

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 7:31 pm

There are tons of cases like this in my community.
We are all doing just fine.
But I do understand your frustration.

amother

Hosta

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 7:40 pm

We had a child 6 years after another family at our school and planned to use the same name. Then, it got really funny when our child was born a few weeks later on that child's birthday. We had a good time taking pictures of our children together and the Mom was a super good sport. We used the same pediatrician and dentist, which always required clarification. It also led to some amusing mixups at school like the time I received a call from a principal saying how good my child was in chumash that day. I was so impressed that they were teaching the 3 year olds chumash! Later, I received a call from a Mom saying "I think my child is staying with your child for a simcha." I had to explain that my child was in first grade. I'm sorry if you feel a little miffed, like your child's name is no longer so special. Remember that he will always be very special to you as will the other child to his parents. Finding a nickname that fits is a good idea but even if you don't, for sure his friends will. Try to take it in stride. Maybe the boys will even become good friends and capitalize on their unique shared name. That could be a great campaign for school government.

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