Host telling you to self serve or host should prepare food

amother

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:33 pm

Hi,
Just wondering. Do you like being told you can take whatever you want from the kitchen cabinets and fridge as a guest, or you prefer to be served?
I am often invited to my SIL who never serves food except for official meals, so if I want breakfastI would be expected to find a frying pan to make eggs or look all over for tuna cans...
She says make yourself heimish take whatever you want.
Whenever we go we end up being starved..
Which way is better? allowing guests to take food themselves or offer them food during their stay?

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don’t appreciate guests going into my cabinets. I’d serve, and have out snacks and fruit available between meals.

amother

Dustypink

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:35 pm

Why can't you ask her where the frying pan is? Or do you have a can of tuna? I'm sure she would help you. She just doesn't want to be cooking up 3 meals a day and I totally get her.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:41 pm

Ask before starting to go through cabinets and cook or prep food - those avocados might be for a certain dish that can of sauce etc...

I personally rather someone wait until I serve or I have crackers, nuts fruits easy snacks on the counter for snacking.

Ask if she's cool with it go for it

amother

Lightgray

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:43 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

Why can't you ask her where the frying pan is? Or do you have a can of tuna? I'm sure she would help you. She just doesn't want to be cooking up 3 meals a day and I totally get her.

Yeah. I felt really overwhelmed when I was pregnant with my second kid and my in-laws and a couple of their kids were visiting and I was in charge of food. It was so much work! I think they were used to it to a greater extent than I was.

amother

Peach

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:51 pm

You know your family already. Come and bring along (put it on the side or pantry) rolls, crackers, peanut butter, cereal, tuna, mayo, canned chickpeas, bagged vegies, dressing. This way you can prepare and enjoy the family situation. If she says ''why did you bring that'' you can just say'' we eat this stuff and its no problem for us to bring and prepare it''.

amother

Tomato

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:53 pm

I think she wants you to be comfortable. It is more of a take whatever you want, I’m not looking, or telling you when or what to eat.

I do a combination of the two. For Shabbos, I put out 5 assorted boxes of cereal, bowls/spoons and cake. Along with tea/coffee/mugs/sugar/artificial sweeteners…..I show where milk and yogurt and cheese is in the fridge. Why should they not be able to eat before I come down (alternatively do I need to get up extra early to feed them?).
But then I still do have so much to clean up that wasn’t used.

doodlesmom

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 5:02 pm

Maybe just help yourself to food that doesn’t require cooking, like rolls or bread with spreads, cereal and milk, snack etc. yogurt…

When I have guest I serve dinner and expect them to help themselves from the fridge for the rest. I keep it well stocked.

amother

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 5:03 pm

So she does expect me to cook the food from scratch and I am not very comfortable doing that. it feels like im invading private space looking for her paper goods, search for the cereal and sniff the milk for a silly plate of cereal.

doodlesmom

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 5:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

So don’t search and sniff. Just pour yourself a quick bowl.
And by now you should know where the papergoods are.

If you are a reoccurring or long term guest, please follow her request.

Alternative

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 5:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

was just wondering if its the norm in hosting to have the guests self serve.

I don't know what the norm is, I know what I do and what other hosts usually do with me.

Usually only breakfast is the problem, and snacks. It's either shabbat, in which case other meals are being officially served, or a weekday, in which case guests don't usually stay in the house all day long.

So for breakfast what I see is that usually hosts buy yogurts, and put out some bowls and spoons for cereal (or show you the cabinet where they are). They show you where the cereal boxes are. There is usually a bowl of fruit if you prefer, or maybe some cake.
The coffee is also out and available.
That's it. I never expected to fry eggs or make tuna salad in someone else's house, and no one has ever expected to do so in mine. When you are a guest, you keep it simple and you don't cause your host extra trouble. Serving you 'official' meals is enough, they certainly can't be expected to make you a hot breakfast too, and many hosts don't want you puttering about their kitchen (especially if you are going to leave 100 dishes after).

amother

Almond

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 5:37 pm

In my house breakfast is either cereal or a sandwich. Everyone eats when they wake up hungry- you don't want me making your breakfast when I serve my kids at 6, and I'm not dropping everything to serve you when you surface at 8, especially if it's a school day and we're rushing out the door then.
I also don't serve formal lunch to guests during the week unless they want to eat at 11 when my kids eat lunch. We always have stuff for sandwiches, pasta and assorted toppings, and I leave tuna on the counter where coffee is if we have guests.
I can't serve breakfast and lunch in multiple shifts and my kids schedules matter more to me than most other people. (Clearly if I invite someone just for lunch, I serve lunch)

That being said, I give guests a tour of my kitchen - or at least the milchig side- to help themselves for breakfast and snacks and lunch

We also keep all our snacks in 1 cabinet and I invite them to help themselves.

amother

Almond

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 5:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why are you cooking breakfast or snacks from scratch?
And she should have given you a tour of where the things you need are...

amother

Antiquewhite

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 5:40 pm

Sorry but I'm not cooking breakfast and lunch for my guests... but I usually have cake, cereal, rice cakes, granola bars, fruit and vegetables that I tell them to help themselves to. I actually don't want you using my frying pan.

amother

Brown

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 7:04 pm

I like being told I may help myself. It's unpleasant to have to ask every time you want a bite of something, even more so if the hostess is busy running after a passel of kids, or if you're the sort who gets hungry in the middle of the night or wakes up hours before the hostess does.

amother

Cyan

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 8:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

was just wondering if its the norm in hosting to have the guests self serve.

The "norm in hosting"??? She's you daughter in law!!! And inviting you to make yourself comfortable! And also so she doesn't have to cook a million in-between meals. Just go for it. No reason to stand on ceremony and starve yourself

doodlesmom

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 8:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sorry, but I need to get back to this, do you want her to pour your cereal, sniff your milk, and pour it into the bowl?