Host telling you to self serve or host should prepare food

amother

Mayflower

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 8:17 pm

I think it depends on the relationship and the reason for the visit. I personally haven’t had sleepover guests who weren’t family.
What I’ve seen and done with extended family is the following:
When they first come in show them where the cereal/snacks/cutlery/drinks/etc are. When you cook for your family you cook for them, but most people don’t cook breakfast. Depending on the comfort level you can say ‘There are bagels in the fridge here is the toaster if you’re interested’ or something like that.
The only time I’ve been served cooked food for every mea was when we flew in for a bar mitzvah weekend and the (close) ba’al simcha put everyone up at other peoples house but told everyone to come to her to eat. So she would have different spreads out etc

amother

Mayflower

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 8:18 pm

amother Cyan wrote:

The "norm in hosting"??? She's you daughter in law!!! And inviting you to make yourself comfortable! And also so she doesn't have to cook a million in-between meals. Just go for it. No reason to stand on ceremony and starve yourself

She said it’s her sister in law

amother

Pansy

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 8:45 pm

Didn’t read the whole thread but I would feel very awkward as a guest if my host would be cooking for me every time I wanted to eat. If she was cooking for herself anyway, and offered to make for me as well, that would be ok. As a host, I tell my guests to please take whatever they need as well. It would be a pressure for me if I felt like they were waiting to be served.

amother

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 8:45 pm

It's my sister in law and we sometimes go for Shabbos and stay over till Sunday
So except for the three meals served it's all on me to server myself. And I'm not very comfortable to open her cabinets.

amother

Gold

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 8:49 pm

If I host an acquaintance, I put out the food for them and wait on them. If its my sil or my kids and their spouses, I will tell them to help themselves. They all know where to find the pans, mugs, bowls etc. They open the fridge and pantry and help themselves. Hosting is a lot of work, I set up the bedrooms and cook dinner, but I expect them to take care of themselves the rest of the time. Otherwise I coulldnt host them. And I am assuming that if they keep of on coming back, the system works for them.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 9:06 pm

In a sister in law's house, especially if you go regularly, I would expect you to take care of your family's food without needing to bother the hosts too much.

Can you bring along 1 platter of some sorts, fruit salad, bagels & spreads etc each time & place in the fridge ( make sure to announce its for everyone!) It may make you feel more comfortable taking food out & serving your family.

amother

Hyacinth

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 9:08 pm

I'm with you, op. Sometimes I go to someone's house for Shabbos and it's literally fend for yourself other than the two main seudas. Yogurt, cereal etc I don't mind taking myself. That's pretty easy and self explanatory. I find it annoying motzei Shabbos when I need to feed my family, and I need to rummage thru the kitchen seeing what there is to make and hoping to Gd I'm using the right keilim lol. And then I end up making dinner and feeding her kids as well (would they have had dinner otherwise??? I don't know)

When I have guests, I make sure to have easy snacks in the fridge and pantry available (yogurt, cereal, milk, granola, apple sauce, lox, cream cheese, rice cakes etc) and I let them know about it. I serve night seuda, day seuda, sometimes an informal 3rd meal, melava malka (simple), and yes, even Sunday morning (DH usually makes eggs for everyone). And if our guests want to make something themselves I'm more than happy to show them where things are so they can do that.

lamplighter

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 10:25 am

Your SIL is making this work for both of you, she hosts you often and doesn't want to overwork herself so she says make yourself at home. Sounds fair to me. I know many people like this. They are usually the ones who have an open home.
The discomfort is in your head, she literally wants you to just make and eat whatever you like. She is not saying it to be nice and really wishes you wouldn't take the tuna, she means it, make both yoir lives easier and take care of your families food. I don't think family especially those you frequent should be required to provide all your meals.

I host a lot and I'll tell you what I do.
I cook supper.
I ask my guests what their plans are for lunch and if they will be eating at my house I give them some ideas.
If I'm ever cooking breakfast or lunch, I offer them as well.
Every guest gets a tour of my kitchen when they come and they are told they can take anything they want.
I have some snacks in the rooms as well.
For shabbos I make shabbos meals and motz shabbos/Sunday it's fend for yourself but we're usually also eating so I offer or help come up with ideas.

mizle10

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 10:28 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Being that I was just hosted for the whole shabbos I would go out motzei Shabbos and pick up one or 2 pies of pizza for everyone to enjoy.

mizle10

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 10:29 am

amother OP wrote:

I would never want or expect my host to serve me other than the shabbos meals.

You’re a guest… not a paying customer at a hotel…

amother

Lemonchiffon

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 10:36 am

amother OP wrote:

So she does expect me to cook the food from scratch and I am not very comfortable doing that. it feels like im invading private space looking for her paper goods, search for the cereal and sniff the milk for a silly plate of cereal.

You should be bringing your own stuff too. When I went with my family for Shabbat to my relative I brought big basket of fruits, sweets, snacks for kids and anything else I needed. They cooked and served main meals. That’s it. I actually was the one making fruit platters and snacks in between meals. They are not responsible to entertain you every time you hungry . They also need break and rest. Yes you can bring your own tuna can or ask if they have it. Not everyone eats tuna, mayo or eggs.

amother

Apricot

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 10:40 am

I typically help order pizza motzei shabbos and possibly help with Sunday bunch if needed so it's not too much and help along prep shabbos meals if asked I personally like doing everything myself when hosting

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 5:03 pm

When we go to our married siblings for Shabbos we usually get something like pizza for everyone Motzei Shabbos, and we bring a bunch of snackier foods to have on hand over Shabbos (shared with them as well).

Highstrung

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 5:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

was just wondering if its the norm in hosting to have the guests self serve.

For me as a host it’s much easier if the guests help themselves . I’ve been busy preparing their room and the cleaning and cooking for Shabbos and Yom Tov I don’t have the added time to also feed everyone before Shabbos , Motzai Shabbos, Sunday morning etc.
I’ve only hosted family , so maybe it’s different. I show them where everything is and say help yourself .

Highstrung

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 5:24 pm

mizle10 wrote:

Being that I was just hosted for the whole shabbos I would go out motzei Shabbos and pick up one or 2 pies of pizza for everyone to enjoy.

My family does that when they visit .
And if they stay for Sunday , I’ve had the pleasure to be the recipient of pancakes etc . Made by my guests in my kitchen.
I wouldn’t be able to have them Friday - Sun if I was doing all the work and meal prep. It would be too much. So this way it’s a win win situation

amother

Diamond

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 5:45 pm

In response to your question OP, yes its totally normal for your host to ask you to make yourself at home and take what you want! Sounds like you have a lovely sis in law!

We were just at my sis in law for shabbos, also fri - Sunday. Motzi shab we went out together to buy food for everyone for melava malka, came back and everyone made their own. Range of ages of kids - teens and the adults. We literally just bought pitta breads, pizza sauce, cheese, frozen chips, ice cream and milk for milkshakes and a few other bits and pieces for the ones that don't eat pizza etc.

Everyone made their own pizzas/milkshakes/suppers etc and everyone enjoyed, especially the kids!

A few months ago we stayed at hosts we didnt know for a simcha and they also said help yourself to anything, we found it incredibly generous, however we mostly bought our own food, because, why not!

amother

SandyBrown

Thu, Jan 12 2023, 6:12 pm

Depends where. When I stay at parents and in laws I for sure would help myself and not be shy. All the kids/grandkids do.
Siblings or siblings in laws it depends which ones. Some I just feel less comfortable, even if they are gracious, and if its not Shabbos ill usually would skip breakfast and go out for lunch as to not make a mess in someone elses house and use their food. I definitely don't expect anyone to prepare anything for me.

I've never stayed by anyone that wasn't family I don't think, at least not recently.