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Forum
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-> Simcha Section
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:15 am
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We are iyh making bar mitzvah and started the planning bh. We made the decision to go ahead and do the tefillin by a specific person who We feel is the right person to do it by. An Ehrlich, refined, humble sofer. Problem is my husband's sisters husband is a sofer and my in laws are putting tremendous tremendous pressure on us to do it by him. Now this bil is not a bad person but we have nothing to do with this sil and bil were not close in any way shape or form. He is not our type and doesn't share the same values....very very fafrumt. They are actually old enough to be my parents. However my in laws are saying that my sil will be extremely hurt and insulted of We don't do it by her husband. My husband spoke to his bil and he said no pressure do whatever u feel comfortable however in laws are still putting pressure to do by him as she doesn't want her daughter being hurt as well as she wants the parnassah to go to her daughter. My husband is stuck he wants to do our original plan and understands me but the pressure from his parents is killing him. We are in a very sticky situation right now don't know what to do. His mother said if we don't do it by him will cause tremendous machlokes. But, where are my feelings in this whole thing?..?? Why don't I have a say in what I want to do???? Why do I have to feel like I'm a puppet for other ppl feeleings??feelings??? Why doesn't my sil man up and might be a disappointment but go on! Does that mean that if a family member owns a business or has a service I'm OBLIGATED to use that person because their family????? Where is the liberty to make my own choices??????? Our plans for the simcha has been pushed down so much because of this. I've been getting headaches from all this stress.... just as a side note, hubs siblings some did do by this bil and some didn't each for a different reason so why am I obligated?? I also have my reasons!!
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giftedmom
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:17 am
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Ignore your MIL tantrum and do what you feel is right. It seems she’s the only one pushing for this for whatever reason. She’ll get over herself.
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amother
Burlywood
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:17 am
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Think if it the other way your husbands a real estate agent and your sil goes to someone else not related. You would be mad. Yhrtes something about supporting family it’s also certain values.
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amother
Razzmatazz
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:18 am
Is them being farmrumt the only reason you are not giving them your business?
That's an interesting reason not to support family.
Sounds like your in laws care more about it than your sibling in law.
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amother
Burlywood
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:20 am
| amother Razzmatazz wrote: | Is them being farmrumt the only reason you are not giving them your business?
That's an interesting reason not to support family.
Sounds like your in laws care more about it than your sibling in law. |
Or the sil is hurt she vented to her parents but made her husband feel ok about it.
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amother
Powderblue
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:20 am
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Do what you want and your mil will need to get over it. Dh has a business and his sister was talking about going with someone else for reasons that made a lot of sense. I encouraged her to do it. BH he has enough business and she was right, the job wasn't a good fit for him. Another family member decided to complain to ME that it wasn't right that sil wasn't using dh. You have nothing to do with this and no one asked for your opinion, though I get you're trying to be helpful ... People are annoying. Do what you feel is right and let them have their say.
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amother
Apricot
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:21 am
מיט משפחה עסט מען קוגל.
Stop involving your in laws.
They do not have to know where you did it.
Why are you even answering her questions.
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amother
Carnation
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:21 am
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Did you already tell the other person you're using him? If so, it might be a problem to switch at this point.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:21 am
But if his values don't match my values why am I obligated?? His brother actually does real estate and no the family does not use him. His sister has a playgroup and no one in family feels obligation to send their child there.... everyone is entitled to their own choices!! And to do what they feel is best for them! Reminds me of the stories u read when someone has a baby and Inlaws put tremendous pressure to name child after their mother or father from their side and caused tremendous machlokes and hurt feelings. If I'm an adult let me make my own adult decisions....
Last edited by amother on Sun, Jan 22 2023, 2:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
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happy chick
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:22 am
if youre paying to it on your own, youre entitled to do you what you want. if youre in-laws offered to pay, thats a diff story. its nice to support family, but tefillin is a big deal and if you feel comfortable with someone else, ignore your in-laws. either theyll get over it, or they wont. not your problem. youre all grown adults.
ETA - your last post is not anon.
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LovesHashem
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:23 am
| amother Burlywood wrote: | | Think if it the other way your husbands a real estate agent and your sil goes to someone else not related. You would be mad. Yhrtes something about supporting family it’s also certain values. |
Tefilin is not just an item. Someone who is a sofer must be very learned and a very pious individual. It's like saying you must use a family member who is a rabbi as your personal Rav.
I don't think you can just compare it to a real estate agent.
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amother
Burlywood
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:24 am
| elm wrote: | | But if his values don't match my values why am I obligated?? His brother actually does real estate and no the family does not use him. His sister has a playgroup and no one in family feels obligation to send their child there.... everyone is entitled to their own choices!! And to do what they feel is best for them! Reminds me of the stories u read when someone has a baby and Inlaws put tremendous pressure to name child after their mother or father from their side and caused tremendous machlokes and hurt feelings. If I'm an adult let me make my own adult decisions.... |
I guess some people really don’t have family value
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amother
Amethyst
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:25 am
A farfrumt sofer is a good thing.
Do what you want, no one controls your life unless you let them.
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amother
Apricot
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:25 am
You don’t mix family and business. It never ends well.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:25 am
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His values don't match ours. His lifestyle doesn't match ours. Yes being more farfrumt and close minded is a huge factor for me. And yes my in laws want to pay part of it. But even after my hub said don't pay for it my on laws said it's not about the money but about my daughters feelings..
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amother
Red
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:26 am
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You're not really giving a reason why you don't want to use him.
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amother
Razzmatazz
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:26 am
| elm wrote: | | But if his values don't match my values why am I obligated?? His brother actually does real estate and no the family does not use him. His sister has a playgroup and no one in family feels obligation to send their child there.... everyone is entitled to their own choices!! And to do what they feel is best for them! Reminds me of the stories u read when someone has a baby and Inlaws put tremendous pressure to name child after their mother or father from their side and caused tremendous machlokes and hurt feelings. If I'm an adult let me make my own adult decisions.... |
A sofer needs to be erlich. Not have the exact same values as you.
It's weird that you're using this as a reason.
If you don't like his work, that's one thing. If you don't like to involve family, that's another. But this is weird.
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amother
Razzmatazz
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:26 am
| amother OP wrote: | | His values don't match ours. His lifestyle doesn't match ours. Yes being more farfrumt and close minded is a huge factor for me. And yes my in laws want to pay part of it. But even after my hub said don't pay for it my on laws said it's not about the money but about my daughters feelings.. |
Sinas chinam at its worst.
Do whatever you want, but this is ugly.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:27 am
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We don't like him as a person
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amother
Burlywood
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 11:29 am
But based on what you said till now it’s cause he’s more farfrumt. Is he a bad person? Does he do bad things? What would cause you to make a family feud or things sticky and uncomfortable?
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