I find it really hard to love my son

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 6:27 pm

I can’t believe I’m writing it but it’s true. Hiding

Ds is 6. He’s not the bubbly, cute or witty kid my other children are. It’s not that he doesn’t behave or whine more than other kids, but he’s just not charming. I feel terrible about it, the guilt is eating me up. I try giving him lots of attention and love, but I feel like it’s so fake. What is wrong with me??? A mother is supposed to have unconditional love to her child?? Crying

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 6:31 pm

I am sure you do love your son.

If you didn't love your son, you wouldn't worry that you don't love your son.

You feel guilty that you notice this son is not as cute as your other kids.

Keep giving your son affection and try to find some good points in your son. Everyone has some.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 6:31 pm

It's actually very common. Kids are individuals. We are obligated to give them our love and care but some people have personalities that we are naturally not so into--and that can include our own offspring! I once heard a very sweet and involved father casually admit that he didn't like one of his kids until the kid reached a certain age.

amother

Hunter

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 6:33 pm

I only have a baby, so can't fully understand this BUT I am a teacher. I have found that in the small groups of students I teach, there is sometimes a student that completely irks me. When examining why I get so bothered by the child, I usually realize that the student displays the same annoying adhd characteristics that I displayed premedication. Once I realize what's bothering me, it gets better.
Maybe the child reminds you of yourself?

DreamerForever

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 6:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

I can’t believe I’m writing it but it’s true. Hiding

Does he have a part of him that triggers uncomfortable feelings about yourself? This can often be subconscious, and may need some soul searching.

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 6:47 pm

OP, sounds like yr son is more of an introvert.

Introverts are often more intelligent.

This son may have special gifts when he is older.

amother

Begonia

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 7:02 pm

Sometimes that feeling is an instinct that something is not right with them. And sometimes they're triggering something inside of us that needs addressing.

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 7:04 pm

I'm sure you love him. As best bubby said, If you wouldn't you wouldn't be so worried about not loving him.

Some kids are easier for a parent to connect to emotionally. They find it easier to be around them. Just like you have many workmates or classmates or neighbors and you click better with some. Some are naturally easy for you to be around and enjoy their company.

But the difference is that it is your child, so it is worth putting in the effort to cultivate that emotional connection. Some questions you might ask yourself:

-Can it be that he is triggering you in some way?
-Does he remind you of another family member that you don't love?
-Did you grow up thinking that certain family traits should be looked up to and some aren't so special? Like in some families if your loud and outgoing than you are looked up to. They don't realize the positives of the softer child, the observer, the thinker....
-Does he have personality traits that you have and don't like it in yourself?

Do some deep thinking or talk to a professional that can help guide you to develop a bond with him

amother

Begonia

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 7:05 pm

Delete

amother

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 7:51 pm

Thank you to all of you who took the time to respond. I constantly try to remember all his qualities, and it’s really not very hard. He’s a brilliant child, very responsible. In fact, he is better in many areas than my other kids. It’s just that the toddler is just adorable no matter what she does, another kid is super charming, and he is none of that.

Also, to those saying he might remind me of me, it’s actually completely the opposite. Which may be the reason I find it so hard to relate to him, I’m not sure. Our personalities are very different.

I really really hope this will change with time, hopefully very soon. I’m a terrible mother!

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 8:00 pm

You are not a terrible mother.

Keep giving your child affection, keep noticing his good points ,and point out yr sons good points to your son..

stronger feelings will come.

Your anxiety may be inhibiting your feelings.

Relax.

DreamerForever

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 4:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Sometimes it's not that your personalities are the same, but something about them triggers things in yourself. Maybe because they are so different. Or a characteristic which is undeveloped in yourself, and subconsciously wish you had stronger.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 5:10 am

Op, I think you're mistaken.

You should not love your child for his qualities or personalities but just because he is your child.

You don't need a reason to love him.

Of course, things can get into the way but remind yourself that you love your child despite his behaviour and personality.

He doesn't need to deserve your love.

amother

Vanilla

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 7:31 am

A child does not need to be "charming" or "adorable". He's not a performing dolphin. He is your child (and he sounds like a wonderful boy). It is your job to love him and to show him you love him. In our house, we work on giving more attention to the older siblings because naturally the little ones are "charming" and "adorable " and get attention wherever they go. At home, the older ones need to feel absolute unconditional love..
And incidentally, this does wonders for sibling dynamics too...

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 9:38 am

amother Vanilla wrote:

Yes, but I just want to mention two things.

Firstly, the ages from 1-5 are critical for emotional development. This time can dictate the future mental and emotional well being of the child.

A child that age needs love and more love.

An older child needs love too but they can be rational and realistic, understanding that mother is busy but still loves spending time with all her children. Of course, please love them, but it is way more important to be there for a young child.

Also, I really despise the word attention in this context.

We grew up only getting attention. It feels awful to know that mother is carving out specific alotted time to listen to her child or exclaim fakely over the child.

A child just needs parents who truly love and want the best for them. Attention is really not necessary.

giftedmom

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 9:43 am

Ofcourse you love him. You’d run through a fire and take a bullet for him.
So you don’t find him as cute and sparkly as the other kids.
Don’t overthink it. Focus on his strengths, on his brilliant mind, help him learn.
Make sure you don’t overtly discriminate. And let it go. Time can change many things.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 9:46 am

giftedmom wrote:

Don't overstress his qualities because children might take that as the reason you love him.

Tell him you love him just because! Because he is your child with a sweet neshama.

giftedmom

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 9:49 am

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

Don't overstress his qualities because children might take that as the reason you love him.

Tell him you love him just because! Because he is your child with a sweet neshama.

I meant ofcourse for herself, not to tell him

renslet

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 10:02 am

We grew up only getting attention. It feels awful to know that mother is carving out specific alotted time to listen to her child or exclaim fakely over the child.

A child just needs parents who truly love and want the best for them. Attention is really not necessary.

I find this so interesting, would you be able to elaborate? How, in a family with more than one or two children, do you give attention to everyone without " having it in mind" " making a special effort" etc

Why did you feel awful when your mother allocated time for each one? No judgement, genuinely curious.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 10:22 am

renslet wrote:

Children should always feel that their parents are thinking of them and want the best. Eventhough spending much time together regularly isn't feasible for everyone, a child feels the love and feelings of a parent.

Sometimes, it's quality time over quantity.

An alotted timeframe for spending time together isn't necessarily bad depends how it's done.

My parents used to give a small amount of time of individual attention which can be great except that the rest of the time, even when they had free time, they couldn't care to know what's going on.

It was a duty. The child should feel the parent's joy at spending time together. This feeling will last with them forever.

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