Attention Experienced Moms -CIO long term effects

amother

Blueberry

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 12:02 am

amother Alyssum wrote:

Lol I love my husband dearly and even he doesn't know all my issues
There have been threads here about what secrets women keep from their husbands
Really the naivete is astounding

This. My husband got addicted to pain meds after back to back surgeries. I had no idea how bad it has become till he was literally suicidal and needed major intervention. And no one knew about it. He went to shul and work and simchas and no one knew what's going on besides for me. I still don't know the full extent of his addiction and I'm not ready to hear all details yet. It's very scary.
You can't know if your mother, sister, neighbor, best friend, your own child..... is going through serious mental health challenges. Even if you're extremely close to them.

amother

Skyblue

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:31 am

amother Yellow wrote:

I did it with my oldest and I cringe when I think about how I tortured him. WHAT was I thinking? I definitely traumatized him and I do think he has lasting scars (in his twenties....).

No I don't recommend any harsh methods. Treat your babies like babies, they are so innocent and vulnerable....

I did it with my second, I too think he has lasting scars and would never do it again.

amother

Blush

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:38 am

I think my oldest has issues from cio and generally my parenting as a ftm.
My second does too but she resisted cio so much. She is more stubborn.
The rest of my kids I was experienced enough to know what it means „drpwsy but awake“ so they may have whimpered for 5 min a couple of times but never wailed for hours like my older kids did.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 7:51 am

My mother would never let a baby cry for long, she nursed us until 1.5-2 years old. She lived for her babies. Some of my siblings have very real mental health issues anyways.

I think this whole premise is too reductive, there are soooooo many factors in raising a healthy child/adult. How would you know which specific part led to specific issues without doing a major deep dive into someone’s psyche??

amother

DarkGreen

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 8:53 am

My mom did not do CIO with me, and I have had anxiety, OCD, and on and off depression since I was little.

I did CIO with my child, now around 10 and she has absolutely no mental health issues (at her age, I already had all of the above), and is happy, confident, and well-adjusted (b'ezrat Hashem she will continue this way).

So go figure.

At any rate, you know what one of the main triggers for exacerbating my anxiety and OCD? Not getting enough sleep. When I sleep better, my problems become less intense. A bigger problem is that I actually am a very bad sleeper since childhood and have a hard time falling asleep (maybe because I was never forced to learn to soothe myself? but who knows), and so my bad sleep and mental health issues feed into each other. Maybe if I knew how to sleep better at a younger age then my mental health issues would be better. Or maybe not, because it is hard to say.

amother

Indigo

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 8:56 am

amother DarkGreen wrote:

So true. I have terrible sleep issues that affect my mental health and I was never sleep trained. My kids all had some gentle training and all are doing so much better than I was at that age. Proper sleep is so important for everyone.

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 9:01 am

amother Chicory wrote:

The opposite is true for my mom. She nursed us all for 2 years, co-slept, stayed home with us until we went to school at 3 or 4. She was a present and good mom and we all have issues.

Hashem has a plan for each individual. How they’ll turn out and how they’ll cope with life.

A mother’s job is to do her best, and keep trying harder. The rest is completely up to Hashem.

Exactly!

amother

Mocha

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 9:05 am

amother Chicory wrote:

Same here. I did CIO with my kid. Cried the first two days for 10-15 minutes and since then goes to bed happily.

I think moms having their mental health is just as important as not traumatizing their kids. I also think that a kid crying to sleep for a few days isn’t messing the kid up for life if their parents are there for them the 99% of the rest of the time.

metacognizant

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 10:45 am

amother Indigo wrote:

I did a customized version of sleep training, I let them cry for short periods of time, I talked them through it, we also discussed it by day, I said mommy will put you in the crib you will go to sleep, mommy will come back when you wake up etc... my teens are excellent sleepers and well adjusted kids.

I like this so much. You are assuming your kids, even babies, can understand what’s going on in their lives, and recognize changes in routine. Which they do! I wish more people had this approach in general.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 10:53 am

This is my opinion but my kids are not grown adults yet. I really struggled with regulating myself around my unregulated kids. They cried and I felt like crying with them. This energy made it hard for them to get secure and calm down and so I dysregulated more and the vicious cycle continued.

Today I am working on regulating myself near my kids and I am seeing good shifts. Slowly.

From what I understand both extremes are not good. Attending to every need and not letting a baby be with the discomfort is not good but leaving a child crying for more than a few minutes without us coming in and being a calling presence is also not good.

Us being able to handle the crying is most important but not if we are absent rider physically or emotionally.

I hope this helps. Part of this info is taken from experts in the field.

amother

Clear

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:02 am

I wouldn't let my 6-9 month old cio but what about a 12 month old?
They definitely should be sleeping through the night but have trained themself to wake up and need me or a bottle.
What then?

amother

Lightgray

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:15 am

Forget about long term. We can't predict future outcomes.
Is it traumatic for baby in the moment? There is your answer. Lo alecha hmlacha ligmor, vlo ata ben chorin lihibatel mimena

amother

Daffodil

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:33 am

There are no long term effects. Your child will be fine. There was a study that came out several years ago comparing children who were sleep trained vs those who weren't. There were no significant differences in either cohort of children. But- the group that did sleep training had better maternal mental health- which is in turn much better for the child! With my first, I was very nervous and I called a trusted rebetzin who said not sleep training if you need to is misplaced rachmunis. Get the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. As long as the child is old enough, healthy, and does not require night feedings, your child will be fine.

amother

Currant

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 12:17 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

This x100

Are people here foolish enough to think that mental health and emotional issues in childhood and adulthood stem from whether or not they were left to cry it out so that they could learn that crib+night=sleep?

That's beyond insane.

Most mental health issues have a genetic component, and then environmental triggers contribute to when the issue begins and how severe it is.

CIO for a week of a baby's life isn't going to do it.

amother

Buttercup

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 12:28 pm

My mom let me CIO for a really long time she says I cried every night for 15 minutes or I wont fall asleep
As far back as I can remember Ive had issues knowing if I was/am loved, I have low self confidence and issues making and keeping friends
I dont know if its related though...

amother

Freesia

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 12:39 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

Thank you! This really resonates!

amother

Oxfordblue

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 12:50 pm

What does cry it out mean?

For how long?

I used to let my babys cry for 5 mins at a time and constantly go in and check/reassure/pat.

I thought that was crying it out.
Would never do more then that.

Maybe max 8 mins if I knew they were really tired.

And if you dont literally time on the clock, it can feel like FOREVER, I used to tell this to my husband.

This is bottle fed babies when I know how much theyv had.

jd1212

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:49 pm

Why do you care about individual experiences of random women on this site? Studies have repeatedly shown no statistical negative effects to children- just google. Matter of personal preference but go off the science…

happyness

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:19 pm

amother Ecru wrote:

Mom did CIO. I suffer from anxiety and OCD and an attachment disorder.
I know someone who is very pro CIO, almost all of her dozen kids have major emotional issues.

Just putting it out there that someone that's 'very pro CIO' may very well have other issues as well that cause children to have emotional issues.