If I opened my search to the entire US...

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 11:15 am

Kiwi, I don’t know enough to help you with this.

But imagine if you’d bought an apartment in Israel a year ago. Or a home in Cleveland 6 months ago.

Please reconsider owning a home for primary residence, until you’ve lived in the place for at least a year! I get the temptation to buy and feel settled, but it’s rare that you can be sure a place is good for you and your kids without having tried it!

Also. I keep seeing financial concerns about housing and school.

What about all the other financial issues? If you find an OOT place with cheap housing, but you need to make car payments, pay for car insurance, gas and repairs… and in NYC there’s reliable cheap public transportation, that can give you another $800 easily towards monthly housing. And the same with rent and utilities assistance and Medicaid and Masbia… I see you keep worrying about housing costs, but if all those other expenses are lowered in NYC, that makes a HUGE difference in your monthly budget.

Kiwi13

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 12:10 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

I agree in theory, but I have 3 problems with NYC:

1. Stbx flat out refuses to consider it. Unless I want to wage war (and lose everything to lawyers), I need to let it go.

2. I'm afraid of NYC for safety reasons, not knowing anyone, etc.

3. I don't want to raise my kids in a "boxy" place, or where schools expect families to be a certain way, don't even get me started on smart phones and internet bans. I don't want my kids to feel like they have less than everyone around them. From the little that I know about NYC, these problems exist there in spades. I've met several families who moved away from NYC for these reasons. ETA: It's possible there are places within NYC where this wouldn't be a problem, but I don't know where. My oldest is extremely sensitive to other people having things he doesn't have. If a younger sibling gets a sticker or other small prize in school, that's already enough to trigger a full meltdown. Imagine plunging a kid like that into a landscape totally unfamiliar to him, where, let's face it, we will be desperately poor without any chance of home ownership. A one-bedroom is not sufficient for my kids. A two-bedroom is also not great for our needs. But we'd have no way of getting anything more than that. They need play space, running around space, etc. They struggled in Israel without a place to safely play outside.

I know it's possible to find my way anywhere, and that with enough grit, I can make it work anywhere. Still, wouldn't you agree that if you're used to living on a farm, you'd find city life overwhelming? It's the same jump... small town to majorly big city. It's a whole new set of life skills I just plain don't have. I'm not equipped to jump into learning subway systems and grocery shopping in a city and whatever else, on top of everything else I'm going through.

If you have solutions to these problems, I'm open to hearing them, but honestly, just the first point in itself makes it a no-go. He has completely refused to hear anything about Brooklyn or anywhere else NYC, and he's been threatening to call my mental health into question at any time if he "needs" to take the kids from me at whim. Unfortunately while I have plenty of friends who want to help, there's only so much they can do. And unfortunately, the facts are that any documented treatment of mental illness looks bad for me. It doesn't matter if he's in worse shape than I've ever been (I have insight and take care of my health), the mere fact of having gone to therapy or treatment programs as needed makes me look like the less capable parent in the eyes of the courts (at least in Israel this was true, trying not to have to find out about US courts). It makes my blood boil, but all I can do is keep moving forward toward any agreeable plan. God runs the world and there will be justice eventually. That's my only consolation right now.

amother

Blushpink

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 2:24 pm

Kiwi13 wrote:

Kiwi, I wish I had solutions for you!!! Here’s what you’re gonna find:

Taking stbx out of this equation, or you find an OOT welcoming community where you can fend a 3BR house for under $2,000 a month on an acre of land, you’re also probably going to need:

To pay for health insurance. Medicaid eligibility isn’t generous outside of cities.
A car. Car payments or regular repairs plus gas and insurance.
No welfare that cab help with rent and utilitied. No kosher soup kitchen to lower your food budget during hard times.

You are extremely smart. print out the subway map and study it for 2 hours and you'll be an expert!

There are going to be rich kids in your kids class everywhere, im not sure that'a a reason to set yourself up for working so much harder as a single mom…

Kiwi13

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 4:27 pm

amother Jean wrote:

This. I learned the subway maps and system on my own. It was before smart phone days but now it is super simple. I also know someone with special needs who was able to navigate it by herself. It isn't complicated once you get over the hurdle of "I can do this". It is honestly easier than owning a car in NYC.

I don't have a problem with "I can do this." For YEARS I've been doing all the things I've constantly been told I can't do. You have no idea the pressure I'm under right now, it's all a dreamlike hazy blur, with so many people who should be building me up, but instead I'm surrounded by a cloud of "No you can't." I'm constantly put down as incapable, insane, out of touch with reality (usually because I disagreed with somebody about literally anything), and so forth. My medical issues and mental health issues, past and speculated future, are weaponized against me. It takes everything I have to get through each day.

~AND I'M DOING IT ANYWAY~

I haven't let anybody stop me from job searching and community researching. I've had multiple interviews already and my confidence is starting to rebuild. I've spoken with people in several communities about schools. I've called schools directly and ruled out some wonderful places that, sadly, won't work for us (sorry, Rhawnhurst!). My frontrunner is still South Bend. In large part it's because of affordability. Even if I'm over the medicaid cap, it's still a solid option. You can be middle class outside of NYS. It depends on where, but I'm finding answers.

South Bend has a failing public school system, but I spent much of today speaking with different representatives from their schools and honestly, I'm impressed. They have a system of assigning sn kids to schools according to their needs. If my kids are in autism resource rooms all/most of the day, that's already a very different picture than throwing them into a whole new system without support. I'm waiting to hear back from the day school, but I'm not expecting much. They haven't yet hired a new special ed coordinator.

I'm taking a holistic approach to this decision. I'm not making any one factor the single deciding force. If a place has no appropriate schooling options, that's a deal breaker. Same if medical needs can't be met.

Concerning NYC, it's not that I can't do it, it's that I don't have any support system in NYC. I don't know anybody. I legit thought it was "Brookland" until 8th grade! I don't see the benefit in choosing a more difficult option and having to budget myself into poverty forever, because let's face it, there's no "moving up" in Brooklyn as single mother with no support.

Kiwi13

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 5:59 pm

amother Lightgray wrote:

Would you consider Jacksonville fl, very nice community
If u won't be able to live in ny and get special Ed benefits, maybe this is a Greta option cheaper housing , nice community, great rebbeim and morahs in local frum school

I'm looking into everything that makes sense. Florida is great for many reasons, and it has its drawbacks - same as anywhere else. I lived in South Florida for a few years during grad school. Loved having no income tax (state), and love the homestead protection. Florida also has a merit-based college scholarship (or at least they did at the time) to encourage high school students to excel and stay local. State lottery helps fund the public schools. There's a lot to love about Florida.

Someone tried to talk me into Jacksonville when I was preparing to leave Florida, but it was a terrible choice for me back then as a single 20-something, especially considering Jacksonville was pretty much just starting out. Tell me more about it now - cost of housing (purchase and rental), infrastructure, etc. What are the public schools like?

Kiwi13

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 10:29 pm

amother Impatiens wrote:

Sounds like you narrowed things down to south bend, no? I hope you can make the right decision for you and it should be wirh Mazel.

Amen! It's hard to know for sure without visiting, which I'm doing very soon (I don't publicly post travel dates for safety reasons). I'm still researching other options in case South Bend falls through. Schools are a big question mark. The day school can only accommodate my daughter. The boys will be in public school. I sent their IEPs to the director of special education for all of South Bend schools, and she's going to make a recommendation based on their needs as to which school(s) they should attend. I was originally given the name of a magnet school we'd need to apply to, but when I spoke with them today they were not confident about their ability to meet my sons' needs. I asked which schools they recommend instead (in South Bend you can choose your public school within a certain radius, and the radius is wider for sn children), and long story short, I spoke with the school they'd probably attend. I'm trying to set up a meeting with them for next week. I also tried setting up a meeting with the day school, but got interrupted in the middle by my 7yo having a meltdown, so I'll have to try again tomorrow.

I got connected with a realtor who gave me the rundown on renting and purchasing, and I'm planning to see a few properties while I'm there, even just for comparison's sake, since I'm not able to purchase just yet (need a job and a months' worth of pay stubs), and I AM debating between renting and buying. The truth is, yes, buying is a risk. But so is renting. They can both be very pricey risks. Not to mention that a bad landlord can ruin everything. I'd rather not take the chance. It costs more per month to rent, and moving costs would be the same whether from a rental or from a purchased home. If I rent, I'd always have the mindset of "this is temporary until I purchase." That's a lot of stress and expense in itself. I anticipate being "priced out" of everywhere, including South Bend, if I don't put whatever money I have left into a property while I still can. I hope you understand my position on this-- I'm not likely going to be ABLE to move for a while regardless. Best if I make an educated decision and stay put for a while, and build home equity at the same time.

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 10:53 pm

Kiwi13 wrote:

I really think bayswater can be a great option for you. Regarding your ex refusing, yes that’s a big problem I can’t help you with.

Bayswater is section of far rockaway so it’s technically nyc but it’s nothing like Brooklyn. The majority of houses in the frum
Area are single family detached houses with backyards. There is some public transportation but most people don’t use it all BUT your kids
Will be bused to school whether they attend public or private school. There is tons of special Ed services here and if the public or
Typical Jewish school does not work for you, you sue the city for special Ed schools.

I personally know a few families living in bayswater because they need nyc services for their kids but they didn’t want the city life or expenses of the Brooklyn housing. There are plenty of single moms in the greater bayswater far rockaway five towns area. There are plenty of support services here, food and clothing assistance, respite etc.

Bayswater is not a boxy place at all. There are all kinds and stripes there. No one is banning internet and smartphones. You may not agree with certain schools rules, so don’t send there. We have the full spectrum
Of Jewish schools in the area strict BY to coed.

Nothing will beat the services and support you will get here.

Kiwi13

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 11:13 pm

amother Mayflower wrote:

Okay, please tell me more about it. I need a lot of specifics - numbers regarding housing costs (I assume I'd be renting), medicaid cap, how far to doctors/hospitals, do I need a car? Is it suburban or city like? What if I can't pay anything in tuition? I literally have no way to pay tuition. It's a big problem. What are the public schools like? What are the names of the schools I ought to check out if I want something that's a legit frum school but has a "community day school" type of student body, meaning there'd be a mix and very accepting.

I have no idea where I'm personally going to land on the orthodox spectrum by the end of all this. Right now I don't fit anywhere specific, and I'm in major flux. NYC scares me deeply when it comes to this stuff. If you're convinced Bayswater is a good fit, would you feel the same way if you knew I was off and on about hair covering these past few months and that I don't plan to cover at all post-divorce? What about if I'm debating pants and mixed swimming? I will always keep a strictly shomer Shabbos and kashrus home, but I need a lot of time and freedom to find my way again. I'm trying to take it step by step, no "forever" decisions, and I want to be accepted for ME, not for what box I fit, especially since I'm box hopping right now. And I DEFINITELY need to know that none of it will be taken out on my children. Sadly there are communities (which I have personally visited) where a father's shirt color will have serious consequences on the inclusion or exclusion of his children. Kal v'chimer something more, like what I'm describing.

Please don't judge. My entire life is fighting for survival right now.