Child being inappropriate-only with me

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 7:46 pm

My 11 almost 12 year old took a credit card type card that's his and pulled down his pants in front of me and "swiped" it in his backside. He thought that it's really funny.

This same child I recently posted about touched me on my exposed back when I was bent over.

I was going to give him my phone to play with and told me he now needs to wait. His response "I didn't realize it's a big deal" I gave him the whole private areas speech and when I got to not in front of anyone, parents, siblings he goes "of course not in front of siblings" then he goes "but I always dress in front of you" I explained that I don't look and I always tell him to be quick.

He has this idea that I am literally him and that he doesn't need to have any boundaries with me.

WWYD? It really worries me and bothers me. Or should I just ignore because he only does it to his mother and nobody else? I see that he's very careful with his siblings.

amother

Azure

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:12 pm

He’s too old to be dressing in front of you too- even if you”don’t look”. Make better boundaries give him dignity. You’ll be helping him develop age appropriate self awareness and sense of privacy and boundaries.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:16 pm

amother Azure wrote:

I still help him dress in the morning oftentimes. He wants my company. He gets upset when I push him away in that way.

amother

Azure

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

I still help him dress in the morning oftentimes. He wants my company. He gets upset when I push him away in that way.

I’m sorry, 11 turning 12 is way too old for you to be dressing him. He may say he wants it and he may think he wants it. You are doing him no favors. You have to show him that you have full faith and confidence in him that he’s completely capable of dressing himself, especially at this age.

You are really thwarting his development by doing this. I don’t mean to be critical, but he is really way too old for this. A boy that age can certainly choose a pair of pants and a shirt and dress himself.

You can be waiting in the kitchen for him when he comes out so proud that he dressed himself. Honestly, he should’ve been doing this for years already.

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

I still help him dress in the morning oftentimes. He wants my company. He gets upset when I push him away in that way.

My 5 year old dresses himself. 11 is too old. He shouldn’t be that comfortable being naked in front of you. Does he wash himself in the shower?

amother

Salmon

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:25 pm

It is not appropriate for you to be helping an 11 year old get dressed. In any way. You should not be in his room while he is getting dressed. You need to set stronger boundaries.

amother

Antiquewhite

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:25 pm

It’s not really appropriate for him to be dressing in front of you. I would say I’m stepping out while you get your underwear on and you can call me when it’s on and I’ll come back. If you must be there while he gets dressed. But really none of this is age appropriate. Is he delayed?

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:28 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

OP is he neurodivergent? Does he have a diagnosis of some sort?

He has ADHD, is sensory and has anxiety. Not a well regulated child.

amother

Antiquewhite

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

He has ADHD, is sensory and has anxiety. Not a well regulated child.

Even so you shouldn’t be there when he’s naked. Time to set boundaries.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:37 pm

Are you saying that I've given him the message that it's ok to do things like this in front of me?

I'm always telling him that it's not appropriate to be naked in front of me, touch himself in front of me but he doesn't seem to care..

nelliesmellie

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:37 pm

Stand outside his closed door and talk to him while he dresses. Diagnosis not withstanding of course he doesn’t understand boundaries if you are present when he isn’t dressed. Being purposefully inappropriate may have even been his way of asking you without articulating, why it’s ok that you are there.

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

Words aren’t much if you aren’t stopping it with actions. Meaning. I’m sorry you could go to school in your pajamas or you could get yourself dress. But we are leaving in 20 minutes either way

And one day he will have to get into the car in his pajamas. Or he will likely just fight and by minute 20 so it by himself.

You cannot give into him. Unless he was seriously handicapped or he had injury that of course you’re the one to help him. this shouldn’t be the norm for the norm. Adhd anxiety sensory. All difficult. But all capable of dressing themselves.

I knew a boy who would look for his mothers bra when she was in the shower or something. You need more boundaries with your son.

amother

Azure

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:41 pm

Tell him that you have some good news for him. He’s a big boy now- almost Bar Mitzvah. And you know he is so capable. So the gift you are giving him is that from now on he can choose what to wear and dress himself! Hooray!

Oh he doesn’t want to? Well you know he can and you fully trust him, you have such confidence in him, he’s so grown up he can do it.

Then stick to it. He will be thanking you inside even if he protests at first.

hodeez

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:42 pm

Op he's way too old for this behavior. I have sensory boys under 5 and they wouldn't dream of doing this. My 4 year old won't go to the bathroom with the door open if I'm there. Please take steps to set stronger boundaries. Maybe have your husband chime in

WhatFor

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

He has ADHD, is sensory and has anxiety. Not a well regulated child.

I was actually going to post to ask if he did. Much of what you describe sounded to me like impulsivity issues. Is he seeing someone to work on regulation strategies? This is something I'd mention to them.

amother

Stoneblue

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

I still help him dress in the morning oftentimes. He wants my company. He gets upset when I push him away in that way.

It's time to reestablish appropriate boundaries. Tell him his bday is coming and once he is 12 you cannot and will not be in the same room as him unless he is wearing clothing. Until then you will both practice- you will be in the kitchen with breakfast and he will dress himself. Every day.

And if he pulls his pants down or uncovers himself or touches an exposed part of your body without your permission he will lose all screentime that day.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:47 pm

can you at least tell him to put on his underwear,l while you wait outside, then come in and keep him company/help him with the other stuff?