Why do people complain

NechaMom

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 12:24 pm

Why do people complain?
If you’re fed up from being a SAHM, find a job.
If you’re fed up from work, become a SAHM.
If you’re fed up from your DH, get divorced.
If you’re fed up from being single, get married.
If you’re fed up from being poor, get a raise.
If you’re tired, get more sleep.
If you’re fat, lose weight.
If your sick, take medicine.
There’s such a simple solution to everything in life.
I can’t for the life of me understand why people should ever complain.
You’re right, OP. I’m stumped too!

amother

Seagreen

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 12:31 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

Well I know a ton of people like that, but that’s not a sahm. If their babies are in daycare then they aren’ta sahm. They just stay home. Not the same thing

If they're a mom, they're a SAHM. Regardless if their youngest is in school already. They're a SAHM nevertheless. Our society has become so crazy and pressuring that we think there's something wrong with a women not working. No women has to excuse herself for not having a job.

amother

Wallflower

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 12:40 pm

amother Goldenrod wrote:

I was a sahm who hated it and decided to go back to work in the end. "Just get a job" lol. It took me nearly TWO YEARS to get hired at said job, so it was two additional years of being stuck and miserable. Not so simple to "just" get a job. Not to mention all the reasons why someone might not be able to make a job works around their family's particular circumstances.

My first year of marriage was spent trying to get a job. Eventually I got one I would describe as sketchy, that didn't bring in much money. It was not a good year. I'm happy being a SAHM.

amother

RosePink

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 12:42 pm

amother Seagreen wrote:

I don't know ANYONE that's like what you're describing. And I mean anyone. And I know alot of people.
The bolded is very judgmental.

Same here! So glad I don't live in a community like that because that culture is SO not my speed.
I've been a SAHM off and on for 8 years now, although I'm currently a part time WAHM. Yes, it is a HUGE bracha to have this opportunity and I am very grateful to Hashem and to my husband for allowing me to do this! But like others said, it does come with its own set of challenges, such as not having any daycare when you need to take care of important appointments (or are sick yourself), and the lack of convenient social opportunities. I also don't have any cleaning help at all and drive all my kids' carpools (no bussing here) so I am plenty busy! I have an elderly parent out of town that recently had a medical crisis and I found it SO difficult to get away to care for parent because I don't have adequate daycare for my toddler.
It is NOT so simple to say just get a job. I've been looking for years and cannot find part time work that pays enough to justify the rising daycare costs.
Please, let's not oversimplify or judge others. I'm sure you have a difficult situation, and this was just YOUR way of venting as well.

amother

Jade

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 1:05 pm

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

Does no one here get what OP is trying to say?

I think I can relate to what OP is alluding to- I live in lkwd in a mostly heimish neighborhood with lots of SAHMS who have lots of cleaning help; Shabbos klutches consist of validating my neighbor with 4 kids as to how hard it is that her cleaning lady just showed up for 16 and not 20 hours that week, and her husband doesn't get home until 5:30, how is she supposed to manage the kids...

I'm like, lady, seriously? What do you do all day (her baby goes to a babysitter)? Blow thru all the new netflix shows? I mean, I know you need to go across town to return the first sweep of spring shabbos clothes for your kid for pesach, but that doesn't take all day...

and this is the norm, not exception, on my block, middle-class income families, attached houses...

am I a wee bit j? of course.

the point is that it's not fair to equivocate the 2 lifestyles and pretend it's equally hard to be out of the house from 9 to 4 every day and then come home to childcare and homecare as it is to have the freedom to plan one's day as one pleases.

of course everyone has their package yada yada, but when I have to show up at a cousins wedding in bklyn at 9 pm after having come home after 4 and done the whole homework dinner bedtime dance and then driven myself in, and then getting home at 130 am and getting out the next am before 9, and my SAHM sil shows up all fresh and dewy bec this is the event of the week for her, and gets complimented on being so geshikt and put together while my shaitel hasn't seen the inside of a salon in 3 months... it hurts.

throw tomatoes, won't you. Then I'll have no choice but to make it to the shaitelmacher:)

so I'm not your SIL but let me give you a glimpse of my life as a SAHM with earliest kid coming home at 2:30. I have marriage counseling, trauma therapy, pt for my daughter, pt/rolfing for me and that's on a weekly basis as long as I can make the times work. then I have well visits, sick visits, orthodontist appointments... I have a pain condition right now that affects my functioning. I also have OCD and likely other things so I take waaaaaaay longer then most people to get even basic things done. am I saying that's everybody's story no but please stop it. I am more happy to validate my working friends that they have a lot on their plate and I am grateful to be a SAHM but OPs and your posts are very judgmental.

amother

Cornsilk

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 1:13 pm

amother Pear wrote:

(this isn't op from the how to make a thread go viral, right?)

OP, sounds like you resent working and wish you could be a SAHM. Are there any ways you could make it work? If you kept younger children home and didn't use cleaning help or convenience foods could you afford to make it without your income? It wouldn't be easy, but it would be a choice you make and not one you feel forced into.

Lol that's what I thought right away

amother

Brickred

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 2:02 pm

I’m a sahm mom whose kids go to playgroup. I have around 4 and half hours between drop off and pickup. In that Im taking care of the house, cleaning (don’t have consistent cleaning help) , food shopping, taking myself and kids to a bunch of appointments. I literally don’t have a minute to breathe. Whereas dh, who works from home, doesn’t do any of the childcare, dressing, feeding, making lunches etc. driving to school. When he’s sick he stays in bed while I nurse him back to health whereas when I’m sick nothing in my schedule changes. He somehow manages to have a lot more “free” time than me. I hope people aren’t jealous of me because yes I don’t work and my kids aren’t currently home for a few hours a day but I’m always overwhelmed and busy.

amother

Melon

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 2:05 pm

Quote:

That is my point- get a job and it won't be so hard!!

That is wrong. We don't give up on something because it's hard.

There is a beauty to being able to raise your kids yourself instead of a babysitter or daycare.

I unfortunately never was able to be a stay at home mother. My first few my husband was in yeshiva and I was the breadwinner. I missed my kids dearly, but bh had an amazing babysitter that treated my kids like her own grandchildren. I did enjoy the mental stimulation at work. By the time my younger ones were born, I couldn't afford not to work. We needed both my husband's and my income to pay for our expenses. It was the younger ones that I wished I could stay home. Even the most amazing babysitter wasn't doing things exactly as I do. I wanted to be there for the first milestones. I wanted to sing the songs and read the books to my kids. I wanted to take them for walks and show them the amazing world we live in. (I tried to do all those things after I came home from my full time job. To grab those few hours before supper and bed time to stimulate and interact with my kid.)

amother

Cappuccino

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 2:23 pm

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

THIS.

giftedmom

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 2:30 pm

I worked for exactly one day after I had my first. It was an entry level office job. When I went to pick up my newborn baby afterwards she was in an old infant seat, with a propped bottle, and a ton of crying babies and toddlers around the filthy apartment. Right then and there my working days ended. I haven’t looked back since. Some years I have a baby or toddler at home, and some years everyone is at playgroup or school. Regardless though, my one and only job is to be there for my family in every way and I can’t imagine things otherwise.

amother

Cappuccino

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 2:31 pm

amother Seagreen wrote:

I don't know ANYONE that's like what you're describing. And I mean anyone. And I know alot of people.
The bolded is very judgmental.

And I know so many. Super frustrated that shul kiddush is all about how hard it is to be a SAHM and that the store was out when they went at 12 because they couldn't get there at 11. and that their housekeeper skipped a day this week. And they didn't get their nap...

I am out of the house from 745-5:30 including commute. Not by choice, I wouldn't be able to lay my bills. And I don't live an extravagant life. No vacations, restaurant meals, takeout. My apartment isn't fancy or redecorated. I just have a lot of medical bills and similar costs...

And I don't live in Lakewood but another similar community.

giftedmom

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 2:35 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

This is just so super weird to me. I live in a neighborhood that’s predominantly sahm and I don’t know anyone like this. This sounds like Beverly Hills. 5 towns maybe? B*tchy housewives? Lol I can’t even

amother

Seagreen

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 2:47 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

I don't know any such women. Seems like you're in the wrong circles.... this is definitely the exception and NOT the norm.
And you can never know what goes on behind closed doors. Never judge.

amother

RosePink

Fri, Feb 24 2023, 3:05 pm

OP, if you’re complaining about the women who don’t work and still send their babies to daycare and still manage to have every imaginable luxury and then STILL complain, I think you’re identifying a specific mindset that thankfully is not existent in my community. But the problem is not that they stay at home- the problem is a CULTURE of spoiled entitlement mentality. It sounds like you are not living in an environment that shares your values. Maybe you should move or at least hang out with a more like-minded crowd.
The SAHM that I associate with are doing it for their children’s benefit- to form that tight bond in the early childhood years. They don’t do it out of spoiledness at all.