Does this rebbie even care?

amother

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:09 pm

Is it weird that my high school boy was absent an entire week sick and the rebbie never reached out at all? This rebbie never says a nice word about my son. Only criticism. Not only that when we had a meeting about an issue I didn't like how he spoke to my son, either. I felt he spoke to him in a certain way to prove a point that he thinks my son is socially off. I really don't feel like sending him mishloach manos or any checks for that matter. I think he has done some damage to the way my son views learning (my son used to be excited not anymore. ) Plus the whole class is going on a trip but my son isn't. He didn't want to go. Never called or tried to speak to my son about it.

amother

Almond

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:11 pm

That’s a lot of different issues. Is there a menahel you can reach out to about your concerns with this rebbe?

kenz

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:12 pm

Forget shalach manos, you should be talking to the menahel NOW. Don’t let one more day go by - rebbeim can cause real long-term damage if they are allowed to mistreat one student repeatedly. It’s basically giving the other students permission to do the same.

amother

Copper

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:16 pm

In answer to your question, yes it’s weird for a high school rebbe (or other member of the hanhala) to not reach out and find out if your son is okay after being missing for over a week.

Signed, a mother of sons who have gone through three different mesivtas

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

Problem is he's also the menahel.

What?? That is not ok. None of this is. Can you switch your son out?

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:36 pm

Get your son out of that school today. Keep him home with you for a few weeks if necessary.
Tell your son why so he feels understood.
Signed, mother of many boys.

rachelli66

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 5:45 pm

This is tough as the Rebbe is the Menahel. I don't think you should pull DS out yet, but yes set up a time to speak with the Menahel with your DH, not by yourself and ask him how he could not call and ask how DS was and where he was for the week? The question with the Menahel is where to go from here? How can DS come back to class and feel good about himself. Tell the Menahel you need to focus on the Pnimiyus now.( Maybe your son can get a tutor.) But if he feels rotten inside it's not going to help.

amother

Amaranthus

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 7:06 pm

- get your son out of there Pronto. You have no choice if you want your son to be okay, you are not going to change that man.
- experienced mother

kenz

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 7:11 pm

😳
It’s been half a year already. Make your son feel seen and heard please. Immediately. Ask him if he wants to leave or would he prefer you try to speak to the rebbi first. But please, please don’t just ride it out. Every day counts.

amother

Ballota

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 7:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

Problem is he's also the menahel.

My son dropped out of yeshiva the following year . He was absent after having emergency surgery. Not a single phone call from the hanhala or staff.
He then went back to yeshiva and instead of greeting him warmly saying they missed him the Rosh yeshiva said “the toilet paper rolls are waiting for you to fill them” (my DS had the official job to keep toilet paper and paper towels loaded in the bathrooms etc.) They didn’t care about him as a person. And didn’t value their Talmidim . Not surprisingly the yeshiva shut down.

ShishKabob

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 7:14 pm

Nothing is ok about the situation, sorry that you are going through this. It really hurts. Hugs and Daven for a yeshua!

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 7:26 pm

I'm not the OP but feel validated, being in this same situation.
My son was home for over a week, and no Rebbi/Menahel reached out to show they care. The menahel and Rebbi's did lots of damage to my son as well, and he dreads thinking of going back to that Yeshivah.
My gut feeling was not to send him back there, as no one cares about him anyways.
I am keeping him home for two weeks already and searching for a different yeshivah option.
In back of my mind I've been feeling guilty about it, thinking if I should send him back there.
Now I feel I'm doing the right thing.

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 8:02 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

Most important is for your son to see that you won’t allow someone to treat him this way. Keep him home and tell him why.

amother

Crystal

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 8:15 pm

My sweet baby brother (now in his 20s) was emotionally healthy, popular, excited about learning and growing, a masmid.

Until one rebbi in 11th grade made it his business to show my brother he wasn't good enough, making fun of him with small remarks, to put him in his place. Maybe the confidence and success was seen as gaava? I'm not sure and don't know the whole story.

Suffice it to say my brother started moving away that year. Small external changes slowly slowly... Now he's not frum anymore unfortunately. Very respectful and lovely individual but not frum... (Yet)

My point is, a Rebbe is a powerful figure in your son's life... Time to act now.
May you have clarity on these decisions and may he bring you much yiddishe nachas.

amother

Bone

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 8:50 pm

As a mother of a daughter whose teacher crushed her beyond recognition, please please please find another yeshiva!!!!
It's been a while, she still has ptsd/trauma and developed severe tics. Healing a slow and loooong
joureny. It's heart breaking.

amother

Lightpink

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 10:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

Problem is he's also the menahel.

I hope it's not who I think it is. (My son's Rebbe was also a menahel and was very nice.. would always discuss with us challenges etc..)

amother

Mauve

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 2:40 am

amother Lightpink wrote:

I hope it's not who I think it is. (My son's Rebbe was also a menahel and was very nice.. would always discuss with us challenges etc..)

In many smaller mesivtas (and some larger ones, too), the menahel serves as the rebbe for one grade. There are many benefits when done right. I wouldn't assume it's the same place.