S/O- Is it really so bad to “bribe” your kid’s teachers?

amother

Pewter

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:17 pm

amother Chestnut wrote:

No people should not 'give what they can' - because they can. The teachers work for the menahel, not the parents.

Um no. The teachers are teaching your children as an extension of your responsibility to educate them.

amother

Bluebonnet

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:17 pm

cupcake123 wrote:

Why?
Figure a rebbie has 30 kids in a class. One kid is driving him crazy, acting chutzpadig, bothering others... his choices are to recommend a shadow or maybe implement a system that will take a lot of time and emotional/physical energy from him. I don't think this means he's a bad rebbie it's just a fact of life you will do more for the people that recognize and appreciate your efforts.

Because it's your job as a rebbe to teach the kids in the way they need to be taught. If you need a bribe to make a behavior chart for a kid and be nice to him then you should find a new profession.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I give my children’s teachers/rebbis checks ($100-$200) and a sincere handwritten thank you note a few times a year, generally for Sukkos, Chanuka, and Purim. I’ll freely admit that, aside for showing my gratitude, my main incentive is to “bribe” the teachers. My kids don’t have any serious special needs but they need special attention from time to time, as do most children.

I’ve seen some posters on here being angry about parents who “bribe” teachers. Is there something so wrong with intentionally making the teacher feel valued and appreciated for giving of themself to my child? I truly do appreciate them and all the energy they put into my children. Should I not show my appreciation simply because it can be looked at as a “bribe”? And, am I wrong for thinking that giving them a check and thank you note will perhaps give them a little bit more patience when dealing with my child every day?

Edit: Just want to add that BH this is something we can afford without it impacting our finances. We are grateful for that and truly do feel that giving to our kid’s teachers is an excellent use of our money.

It’s wrong because your intention is for your children to get better treatment because they’re rich than the children who are poor. At least admit that.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:20 pm

cupcake123 wrote:

his choices are to recommend a shadow or maybe implement a system that will take a lot of time and emotional/physical energy from him.

That is time and energy that will be redirected and taken away from the other 29 children. Those are finite resources.

amother

Violet

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:22 pm

I don’t think it’s wrong at all, in fact a friend of mine asked a big Rav if she can use misar for rebbi gifts, and the answer was %100 yes, and she is somewhat obligated to for her children and the rebbi, she lives in Israel of obvs sends to school there, idk if it makes a difference or not

cupcake123

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:26 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

That is time and energy that will be redirected and taken away from the other 29 children. Those are finite resources.

Who's going to fight for my child if not me? If my child is causing extra stress I send fruit platters.

cupcake123

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:29 pm

If you worked 30 hours in an office but one month your boss wanted you to stay overtime and sponsored dinner for your family or bought you iced coffees that wouldn't make you feel happier and do your job with less resentment ? It would for me.
If my son is acting up and I bring fruit platters is that so crazy that it will make him deal with the situation with less resentment. Obviously a challenging child requires more effort.

amother

Gray

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 8:56 pm

cupcake123 wrote:

Why not just get him the help he really needs?

amother

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 9:31 pm

amother Broom wrote:

I don't think most teachers treat kids better if they get gifts, but I do think they'd have more patience for the parents should there be an extra need.
Saying not to give bec poor ppl suffer is like saying I can't buy nicer clothes & wear it to make a better impression, spend more on tutors giving someone a leg up over other kids, or hv private lessons, making a college applicant more well rounded etc.

These are my thoughts as well.

amother

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 9:34 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

It’s wrong because your intention is for your children to get better treatment because they’re rich than the children who are poor. At least admit that.

My intention is not at all to get better or preferable treatment. My intention is simply
To maybe make the teacher have a bit of extra patience when my kid is having a hard day, or perhaps not to get annoyed when I text them with a question about homework (which I’ve never done but just as an example). I don’t see how that takes anything away from other kids.

amother

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 9:35 pm

amother Gray wrote:

You are breaking the whole education system by bribing. It really needs to be stopped. I can’t believe you don’t realize what you are all saying.

First of all, do you really have so little trust in our teachers that you think a $150 check can “break the whole education system”?

Second of all, how does the teacher perhaps having a bit more patience for my child if they’re having a bad day, negatively impact any other children?

amother

Hyacinth

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 9:36 pm

amother Gray wrote:

You are breaking the whole education system by bribing. It really needs to be stopped. I can’t believe you don’t realize what you are all saying.

The system is broken and has always been. We’re trying to get our kids through it with the least amount of damage. As a mother whose boys get hit in cheder and whose kids have adhd and other diagnoses. Heck yeah I bribe.

amother

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 9:37 pm

amother Violet wrote:

Interesting, I was told I cannot use maiser unless A. The amount given is beyond the “standard” and B. The teacher is poor enough to need tzedaka. So basically I never use maiser for teacher checks.

amother

Coffee

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 9:56 pm

cupcake123 wrote:

Well I get calls. Your kid needs a shadow, your kid needs social skills, your kid needs OT. Sometimes they're right and then obviously I'll get them the help they need. But sometimes for example shadow they don't need they just need better systems that require more effort and attention on the part of the rebbie. Fruit platters help.

Most likely the rebbe now feels like he's in an uncomfortable position because of your bribes and now doesn't have feel comfortable recommending that your child get the help he needs.

amother

Gray

Thu, Mar 02 2023, 10:02 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Your job is to get your kids out of there, not bribe. That’s really sad. Stand up to the broken system and leave. No excuse to stand by and watch abuse.