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Dd has such a negative perception of things.

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 3:51 pm
I have a daughter who is considered a great girl. She is very smart, accomplished, driven and kind.
I have always had a good relationship with her, but a little bit complicated. She has a certain way of talking to people that comes across patronizing or slightly insulting. I am the last person to take offense at anything, but I cannot help noticing how she does this to me and others.
For example, she asked me if I have a plan for Purim this year for the kids. I asked her what she means. She said that every year the kids are miserable and end up crying. I was so shocked, since I have no idea what she is talking about. The kids don't cry or have a miserable Purim. It's like she has some sort of selective memory which totally doesn't reflect reality. I told her that our little kids have a wonderful Purim. If they cry (I don't recall them crying) it's just normal kids stuff perhaps.
She also asked me if I am planning to make mishloach manos this year. I was like, what? Why ever not? She said because you usually don't make mishloach manos..I literally have no idea where she comes up with this stuff. I told her that of course I will be giving out mm. She said yes, but you only make a few. I said, No, I make 40-50 every year. If we run out, then fine, I don't drive myself crazy to make more. She insisted that I don't. It was so weird. I can't explain how this makes me feel. Like I'm being accused? miscaracterized? And I had to defend myself. For what? I have always made mm, every single year.
I believe she really perceives things that way. But she has a distorted view on reality.
She recently wrote an essay, which was based off real life. She wrote it from the point of view of a woman, which was obviously based off me. The woman in the story hated Purim and always felt overwhelmed. Um, no. I know she was just writing for the sake of writing , but I felt somewhat provoked, like she was projecting negative feelings on me. I have always enjoyed Purim and looked forward to it.
Purim is just one example. There are many other times when she recalls events in a way that leaves me feeling almost attacked, even though she says it in a nonchalant way. She projects feelings and sentiments on me that are completely her own. Like she would say, oh, you never go to these events...when in fact I go every year. When I correct her, she doubles down on her version.
Anyone knows someone like this irl? I try not to let it get to me, but it is quite annoying and disturbing
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bebrave




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 4:05 pm
How old is she
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amother




Brunette
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 4:10 pm
She sounds highly anxious. It's distorting her perception but it's her reality.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 4:10 pm
She is in her 20s and she is married.
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bebrave




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 4:11 pm
Is / was she rebellious and didn't love being at home?
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amother




Mintcream
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 4:15 pm
my 9 yr old does the same thing. literally makes things up. it's scary for me. I'm at a loss how to handle it but I know I need to do something.
did you notice this in your dd till now or is it a sudden development?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 4:17 pm
bebrave wrote:
Is / was she rebellious and didn't love being at home?


Not at all. Not rebellious and not sure if she didn't like being at home.
The examples I gave were about me and being home. But I have heard her make other types of comments to people that have nothing to do with home. Just comments that make you feel slightly on the defensive, but you don't know why you should feel that way. When she was in seminary, she used to go to a certain close friend of mine who shared with me that she used to feel patronized by dd. She loved going there, but she had a way of very slightly putting my friend down.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 4:25 pm
There’s a lady line that in my neighborhood. After every conversation I’m left scratching my head because she is patronizing/condescending in a covert way and you leave the conversation feeling ‘ugh’.
I don’t have any advice but I know which feeling you are talking about.
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amother




Tomato
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:00 pm
Wow, I could have written this. My daughter is going to read your post and think I wrote it Smile
Was your daughter like this before she got married?
In the last year or so almost every time I hang up the phone or leave from a visit with my daughter I walk away feeling terrible about myself and very judged.
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amother




Pink
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:17 pm
amother Tomato wrote:
Wow, I could have written this. My daughter is going to read your post and think I wrote it Smile
Was your daughter like this before she got married?
In the last year or so almost every time I hang up the phone or leave from a visit with my daughter I walk away feeling terrible about myself and very judged.


You nailed it, that's the feeling I have after speaking to my daughter. My daughter is single though - living in the tri-state area as we live on another planet (someplace no Yeshiva Bochur would ever consider travelling to...)
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amother




Gardenia
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:22 pm
amother Tomato wrote:
Wow, I could have written this. My daughter is going to read your post and think I wrote it Smile
Was your daughter like this before she got married?
In the last year or so almost every time I hang up the phone or leave from a visit with my daughter I walk away feeling terrible about myself and very judged.


For both moms who have this happening with their married daughters- sounds like they are hitting snags (hopefully nothing bigger than that) in their marriages and looking to draw comparisons between theirs and yours to help themselves feel better about what they are dealing with. Tread very carefully- don’t ask for info but keep an eye out for it- and offer $ in case that’s a barrier to couples therapy for them. I’ve seen this happen, the negativity and the change in your daughters can really indicate an anxiety about the state of their marriages, and the need to see negativity in other peoples relationships so that they feel more normal in theirs. Just continue being the strong moms that your are- if this is what is happening with them, this is what they want from you now. Just let everything they say bounce off and look for how you can help smooth the way for them while keeping an eye out for genuinely concerning marital problems
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 7:33 pm
amother Gardenia wrote:
For both moms who have this happening with their married daughters- sounds like they are hitting snags (hopefully nothing bigger than that) in their marriages and looking to draw comparisons between theirs and yours to help themselves feel better about what they are dealing with. Tread very carefully- don’t ask for info but keep an eye out for it- and offer $ in case that’s a barrier to couples therapy for them. I’ve seen this happen, the negativity and the change in your daughters can really indicate an anxiety about the state of their marriages, and the need to see negativity in other peoples relationships so that they feel more normal in theirs. Just continue being the strong moms that your are- if this is what is happening with them, this is what they want from you now. Just let everything they say bounce off and look for how you can help smooth the way for them while keeping an eye out for genuinely concerning marital problems


I think she was always like this. It's not like every single conversation is negative
Just we had them for Shabbos not too long ago and it hit me again how she is like this.
She also makes some insensitive comments to people.
Like we had someone at the table (a relative) who had some medical challenges recently. My dd asks "so do you have any other surgeries coming up?" Like it's just normal conversation... so that's slightly socially off.
She happens to be very smart and has an excellent memory. So when she talks about things that happened in the past, the insinuation is that her memory is for sure the true one, and if I recall differently, then obviously my memory is faulty. So when I say, no that's not how it happened, she doubles down and said, yes it is.
She doesn't mean to be patronizing or hurtful. It's just strange to me how she remembers things in a negative light.
Or even if not negative. She might remember that I "always" did something, when in fact I did it one time. Things of that sort.
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amother




Tomato
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 7:35 pm
amother Gardenia wrote:
For both moms who have this happening with their married daughters- sounds like they are hitting snags (hopefully nothing bigger than that) in their marriages and looking to draw comparisons between theirs and yours to help themselves feel better about what they are dealing with. Tread very carefully- don’t ask for info but keep an eye out for it- and offer $ in case that’s a barrier to couples therapy for them. I’ve seen this happen, the negativity and the change in your daughters can really indicate an anxiety about the state of their marriages, and the need to see negativity in other peoples relationships so that they feel more normal in theirs. Just continue being the strong moms that your are- if this is what is happening with them, this is what they want from you now. Just let everything they say bounce off and look for how you can help smooth the way for them while keeping an eye out for genuinely concerning marital problems


Thank you for your reply. But this is not the case here. BH she has a fantastic husband and in-laws,and they have a beautiful relationship. While I know one does not know what goes on behind closed doors, I do know have a good idea of what is going on. They also are not struggling and both myself and the machatunim throw a lot of extra $ their way. So it's not that.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 8:50 pm
Yes, my single 24 yr old step-DD is like this to some extent. She "remembers" things differently or "forgets" that things happened.
She is socially off and has a distorted sense of reality.
She will say things to the whole family and all of us are like, "what? That didn't happen the way you describe at all"
My DH and her siblings just shrug it off as a quirk.
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amother




Turquoise
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 9:11 pm
OP, is there *any* truth to what she says? Could there have been a single year when you didn't make m"m, or ran out early and were stuck without enough?
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2023, 9:21 pm
Distorted sense of reality and the projection sounds like a personality disorder.
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bebrave




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 06 2023, 12:40 am
Is she suffering with this challenge and not have friends because of it? If she's suffering I'd make a subtle comment about going for therapy to develop better social skills. If she's not suffering for it, then just leave
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amother




Puce
 

Post Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:01 am
Does she do this with others too?
Does she have low self self esteem?
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amother




Bluebell
 

Post Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:07 am
[
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amother




NeonGreen
 

Post Mon, Mar 06 2023, 2:23 am
This is my close relative, down to the last detail. Unfortunately she always was this way. For many years everything was brushed under the rug until we started getting fed up and and calling her out on it when she says inappropriate or unkind things. I won’t say it’s easy but she is a lot more careful with what she says since a few family members had fights with her over things she said. OP, I’m so sorry for you, but you need to call her out on it now when this happens, this is a personality that doesn’t change on its own.
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