How to make in-laws’ Seder fun without taking over

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach

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View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Melon

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:30 pm

Bed after mah nishtana
Other people gave good suggestions like chocolate, asking zeidy if she can sing a song, bringing little toys, etc

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:31 pm

gingleale wrote:

Put her to bed before the Seder. Yom tov starts so late and it won't be fun for her anyway.

I’d love to do this but DH disagrees. She also does learn about it in school and is very excited about it, so I feel bad excluding her.

Getting her to bed is a nightmare in itself so if I don’t put her down first, the first opportunity for me to duck out for 40 min is maggid, which is already a couple hours in for us.

keym

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:33 pm

At that age, if she's enthusiastic about what she learned in school, after Mah Nishtana, I'd pause the seder (I cleared it with FIL in advance). We sang the makkos song. Dayenu. Give her a piece of matza and marror. Then sing leshana haba.
Then put her to sleep and everyone else resumes.
She'll feel like she "did" her Seder.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:42 pm

It is not age appropriate for a 3 yo to stay up for much of the seder. After mah nishtana get special new fancy yt pj's, frog blanket, idk, makkos (new) toys/books and let her play near the table until she falls asleep.

If I were you I'd be more concerned with how I will sit through the whole seder.

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:42 pm

Highstrung wrote:

Give her a treat for after she says the Mah Nishtana . She should stand on a chair to say it. It makes them feel like a million bucks, especially in front of Bobby and Zaidy.
You can have her sing her songs. I’m sure your in-laws would love for her to join in. Like when it comes to the makkos, you can say “Zaidy , Esti has a song she learned about the makkos, can she sing it?” And let her perform.
At least that’s what we do.
Also, honor her with bringing the washing cup and bowl with a towel to your DH or FIL when you do Urchatz and Rochtza.
And of course ask her which is the bigger half of the matzah by yachatz and let her tell Zaidy which one should be for the afikomen.

Helping with urchatz is a great idea, she’ll be so excited.

imaima

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

Another of the dozen “how to make Seder fun for kids” but specifically when you’re a guest.

I have a 3 year old dd and we’re going to my in-laws seder the first night and making our own the second. I love my in-laws, but even I think their seder is so boring and already far too long. It’s just reading the Haggadah and maybe one dry dvar Torah during the meal and somehow it still goes to 2:30. Getting a preschooler to sit through it is going to be a nightmare. DD is the only grandchild. What can I do to make it fun for her (and me, honestly) without taking over my FIL’s seder or drawing it out too much?

Feed her the food before the seder and put her to sleep

Elfrida

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:48 pm

I've often been at Seders where a young mother will sit on the couch with their children and go through the hagaddah with them in parallel to the main Seder. So everyone will be at the table for kiddush, then go and wash, and eat the karpas, then break the matzah and hide the afikoman. There's lots going on to keep children interested, and it's easy to intersperse it with questions on their level. Then of course the children have their starring turn singing מה נשתנה.

Then, during magid, the mothers will move over to the couch, with an illustrated children's hagaddah, and go through it on a child's level. They are in the same room, and there is a certain amount of interaction with the main Seder, but the children are entertained and educated at their own level. Often the children will fall asleep on the couch at some point. Of course the mothers are back at the table for Pesach, matzah and maror.

Sometimes they do this at the table, and there are a few parallel mini sedarim going on together, all coming together for the main points. For little children it tends to work best if they can sit on a couch, and have room to play and move around.

imaima

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 2:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

She will get tired all by herself and fall asleep. Let her lie down on the vouch near by and she will doze off. It doesn’t have to be „official“. What is your dh gonna do? She will be tired regardless!

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 3:36 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

I’m usually asleep on the couch by some point in the meal.

Otherwise I try to get a new book each year to read to myself, then join in from the family Haggadah when necessary. During transitions my youngest BIL and I arrange warfare with jumping frogs.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 3:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

Welcome to parenthood.

If your child can fall asleep on the couch, floor, stroller then bring a blanket and pj's and prepare for that.

If she will become a hyper tantruming mess then you'll need to put her to sleep at the time you determine she needs to go. If you are playing Lego w her in the playroom that time has come.

You step away whenever you need to wherever they are in the seder then return and catch up. It's that simple. The only step hard to catch up on is shulchon orech and Nirtza if you miss the zman. It's disappointing for sure, but it's a stage of life.

Depending on the child they might stay up until the men come home and see the kittel. Dh holds dc shows tge the kaara and the things on the table. then I let them stand and say mah nishtana while eo getting ready and whisk them off to bed during kadesh. I might miss carpas, but no biggie, ask someone to hold a piece aside.

Or maybe dc can make it awake to magid by playing at the table with the chatchkes she made in school. Then you ask fil if you can hold off on the insights until after she says ma nishtana, let her have her moment,, then take dc to bed

. When you return you read through the haggadah until you catch up. If they move on to matzah and morror, oh well. When you finish maggid you'll do that.

While dc is up engage with her by asking about the things she sees that she has learned about and pointing at pictures in haggada and helping her play with the things she's made

------
2 HOURS until maggid?!?
Most 3 year olds won't make it to mah nishtana in that case.

gingleale

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 3:50 pm

Have an early Seder with her. if possible include your in-laws so that she can show off what she knows and then and bed at regular time before the regular Seder. She is too young to know the difference.

DREAMING

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:08 pm

Put her to nap and wake her after licht.
Prepare some books for he. Will there b other kids for her to play with.

amother

Lightcoral

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:59 pm

I think 3 is too young to stay up for a seder, and I'd either put her to bed or assume she'll conk out at some point. However, you're looking for suggestions assuming she's up, so....I'd make a "R'chush Gadol" grab bag that has some small items she'll enjoy and be busy with during the seder--a pack of toy frogs, stickers, a Pesach-themed book, maybe some finger puppets--and periodically let her pull something out of it.

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 6:05 pm

The rule at my parents house is the kids get the first hour- we speed through till ma nishtana, then abridged kids Seder (story, makkos, dayenu, second cup, matzah, maror, afikomen) and put them to bed while the older generation goes at their speed and then the parents catch up and we're generally back on the same page somewhere in the middle of Maggi's.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 6:39 pm

She’s only 3 years old! Of course put her to sleep! If you want her up, then keep her up until Ma Nishtana then put her in
I see this over and over again with my younger siblings, putting unrealistic expectations on their oldest child. I definitely do it as well, most people think their oldests are older than they actually are

rachelli66

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 6:55 pm

OP make sure your DD eats before the Seder. Get some new toys. She can sit right in back of you at the table and play. Yes, you might have to get up and read to her a bit but she is a child. She can sing. Get her into PJ's and have a nice blanket near the Dining room she can lie down and not be far from you.

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 9:11 pm

amother Winterberry wrote:

I don’t think this will fly with just the one grandkchild this year, but I’d like to keep it in mind for future. How does it work - does everyone do the second cup, matzah, and maror (and then go back to maggid at bedtime) or just the kids? Is the older generation involved in the kids Seder or are they just doing their own thing separately and the parents run the kids Seder?

amother

Gray

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 9:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ask your In-laws about how they ran the seder when their oldest was three.

Leahh

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 9:54 pm

I understand not putting her to sleep as the grandparents I'm sure will be disappointed. There's not much to do to make the seder interesting for a 3 year old. But to help with behavior, put her to sleep at her normal bedtime and then wake her up when your ready for kiddush. She will be rested and hopefully that will lead to better behavior. Not sitting by the table but not getting wild or cranky either.

amother

DarkPurple

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 10:01 pm

We always make a mock seder for the really little kids on the first day. They drink Grape juice say ma nishtana and sing songs they learned. It's so much calmer because kids are well rested and adults don't need to concentrate on the seder.

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