Teenagers Missing School

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:33 am

I’ve kept my teens home to help me, shopping days, appointments then not going to school before or after. Nothing wrong with a little ditching. Now, if it happens all the time then it’s not ok once in a while is fine even normal. I do t parentify my kids but sometimes things come up and there is literally no choice but to have them stay home to help, easier to shop when stores not a madhouse. Y’all screaming abuse - do you have teens? Do you have bunch of little kids that came about because bc failed? Do you have all the time in the world to get everything done on your own? Do you have endless amounts of money where you can hire as much extra help as you need? Maybe send some my way!

amother

Foxglove

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:38 am

amother Turquoise wrote:

I’ve kept my teens home to help me, shopping days, appointments then not going to school before or after. Nothing wrong with a little ditching. Now, if it happens all the time then it’s not ok once in a while is fine even normal. I do t parentify my kids but sometimes things come up and there is literally no choice but to have them stay home to help, easier to shop when stores not a madhouse. Y’all screaming abuse - do you have teens? Do you have bunch of little kids that came about because bc failed? Do you have all the time in the world to get everything done on your own? Do you have endless amounts of money where you can hire as much extra help as you need? Maybe send some my way!

Re: the bolded. I disagree totally. There is a lot wrong with missing school without a valid reason (eg illness) just as it is wrong to skive off work. A child taught that it is ok to ditch school may grow up to believe it is ok to ditch work. I pity their future employers. And I totally agree with the poster who said they don’t use their kids to do their adulting for them.

amother

Charcoal

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:39 am

amother Crocus wrote:

Oh my, some of you are so dramatic about this.

30 years ago parents beat their kids and when people pointed out it was abusive, they were told to stop being dramatic. That it is part of parenting and they have no choice.

[And for parents saying they "have no choice" in this, imagine if your teen was away, what would you do? You'd work it out. Of course it would be harder for you. But you would have to. Saying you have "no choice" is an excuse]

amother

Crocus

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:50 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Oh, come on! How is it abuse for a child to stay home once in a blue moon? Most kids are excited for a day off. Abuse? Come on. Yes, this is being dramatic.

amother

Mintcream

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:51 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

I posted earlier how due to circumstances I was that teen who missed a lot of school and came late a lot because I needed to help at home. As an employee I am super responsible and am never ever late and barely ever take off. So stop with your judgements and generalizations. Be thankful you never had to resort to doing this for your own kids. Do you think parents really choose to be in these type of situations where they need to ask their teen for help?

amother

Crocus

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:56 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

I don't agree with this at all. It is ok, and important, for kids to be able to take a day off from school just because. A mental health day. It doesn't make them less responsible when holding down a job, there's a lot more at stake when it comes to work. They work for their money and for a boss and responsibility automatically comes along with it. There's nothing at stake by taking a day off from school.
No one here is talking about missing school regularly, but a seldom day off, is not the end of the world.

amother

Charcoal

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:57 am

amother Crocus wrote:

Oh, come on! How is it abuse for a child to stay home once in a blue moon? Most kids are excited for a day off. Abuse? Come on. Yes, this is being dramatic.

You obviously missed the differentiation between very occasional emergency and and as a way as functioning for the family unit.
Trying to justify the latter by equating with the former is purposefully disingenuous.

Look up Instrumental Parentification.

amother

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 9:58 am

amother Crocus wrote:

A mental health day is not the same as a babysitting day or a Pesach cleaning day. Especially if there are sick toddlers or preschoolers involved.

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 10:00 am

New to this thread and haven't read thru all of it. Just want to comment that there are big mechanchim and Gedolim who were pro the concept of teen chinuch involving them being in school and not being taken out for babysitting.

One of my sisters attended Breuer's Seminary, back when Rabbi Joseph Elias - a master mechanech and I believe one of the founders of Torah Umesorah - was Dean. I asked her about this once and she told me that he said straight out in his Hashkafa classes that parents should not keep their teens home for babysitting, it's counterproductive to Chinuch. Trust me he knew about large families, etc...

Our family was close to R' Yaakov Kaminetsky, and a close friend of my mother's (also very close to R' Yaakov) once told me that she asked R' Yaakov whether a young lady's school attendance, grades, etc.. in high school is important with regard to a shidduch for her son. R' Yaakov told her that when a teen attends school, that's her "job", that's her responsibility, and her approach to that will reflect on her approach to her responsibilities in the future, so yes, it's important.
I'm conjecturing but to me it would seem that R' Yaakov wouldn't have been such a fan casually taking a teen away from her responsibilities.

I also want to say that the Brisker Rav held that we need to be mechanech kids for their own sakes - not for ours. When I have my girls help out at home, it's about them needing to learn household tasks and management - not because I need it. I also send them to help out at their aunt's house - because it's good for them. I would feel very selfish to take my kids out of school - particularly high school which is so hard to make up - and not just the test matter, but the Hashkafa being imparted, the social life, etc... - that's not something I want to take away from them. Let them help out when they come home.

Chayalle

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 10:07 am

amother Crocus wrote:

Oh, come on! How is it abuse for a child to stay home once in a blue moon? Most kids are excited for a day off. Abuse? Come on. Yes, this is being dramatic.

I sort of view it as something belonging to them that I cannot take. Their time in school is theirs. If I take them out of school for their own needs - like the eye doctor or the dentist - or yeah, once a season even for shopping so we don't get stuck there on Sunday when it's packed and you can't get any sales assistance (I did a combination recently: Took DD to the eye doctor, and on the way back to school, stopped at a clothing store where she found a new Pesach outfit - and yes, we were one of very few people in the store, and the saleslady was practically fawning over us and helping us out) that's their time for their needs. But to take them out for MY needs would be taking something from them.

As we know from the story of Yona and from the Dor Hamabul, even taking something miniscule is wrong. If I steal a penny from your purse, you may not miss it, but it's not right.

amother

Crocus

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 10:08 am

amother OP wrote:

A mental health day is not the same as a babysitting day or a Pesach cleaning day. Especially if there are sick toddlers or preschoolers involved.

A babysitting day or a pesach cleaning day is not that big of a deal either, especially IF the child offers and is excited for the day off.
Forcing kids to do anything, is never ok. But if a teen begs to stay home a day to help, it's not that big of a deal.

amother

Crocus

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 10:10 am

Chayalle wrote:

Please do not equate keeping a child home from school, to stealing.

amother

Crocus

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 10:11 am

amother Charcoal wrote:

Where is anyone implying that it's ok for kids to regularly miss school to help out and this is how their family functions? I didn't see anyone posting anything like this.