Giving "the talk" to my 10 yr old daughter advice

sequoia

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 5:05 am

amother Wheat wrote:

10 year old?

Am I living in an alternate universe? Why would you want to rob her of her childhood?

I learned this info in high school and life was awesome. Why would a typical frum 10 year old girl attending a same gender school need to know how one gets pregnant?

Knowing about reproduction does not rob anyone of their childhood.

Not knowing about it is a result of modern urban living.

I can assure you in the shtetl everyone knew what bulls and roosters were for. Or how mules came about.

amother

NeonPink

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 6:59 am

I agree with sequoia. It’s not abusive to know the natural facts of the world.

I would use a moms discretion to determine when the child is old enough to be curious, and mature enough to comprehend the information.

My child is 9 and too young. But I could see the questions starting to come soon.

amother

Canary

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 7:01 am

One things for sure, make sure your daughter knows before she goes to sleep away camp.
I found out from a friend when I was 11. Didn’t scare me. If anything, I think it took the whole fear and grossness out of it. I grew up knowing this was something normal.
On the other hand, I passed this info on to a friend as soon as I found out (🫣) and she really freaked out. She found the whole boy/girl relationship completely gross. When she came to shidduchim, it was definitely something that really scared her while dating. She’s not the healthiest person and never had much of a relationship with her mother or anyone older than her. I definitely think this had something to do with her fear of it.

So, if your daughter is healthy and easygoing, I would say to tell her! Obviously, no need to romanticize it. Just give her the basics of how a human is created

amother

Canary

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 7:06 am

One more thing to keep in mind, if she’s the first amongst her friends to know, she will be the one spilling the beans to them…
Let’s not kid ourselves. This is the juicy info that preteen girls like to share
Edit:
This is not a reason not to tell your daughter. Just something to keep in mind
I got in big trouble in 6th grade because I told a girl in my class. She told her mother what I told her and she got the principal involved. Was an honest nightmare for me. This mother forbade her daughter from coming over to my house after that. Was so hurtful.
Looking back, I think it was handled very poorly. This girls mother seems to be a bit controlling. I don’t know why the school freaked out from some 6th graders discussing things that are normal for them to be curious about.

imaima

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 7:12 am

amother Canary wrote:

So what?
Do you care about other kids more than about your own?

amother

Cognac

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 8:12 am

amother Canary wrote:

I. Told my son around age 11. He said that since I told him everything he doesn't need to talk to his friends about it and when his friends talk about it he tells that it's not appropriate. I told him we don't talk about it with friends and any other info he wants to know he should come to tell me. Just warning you that the things kids are knowledgeable of today is so much more even in super insulated frum schools. My son recently asked me how two men can have s-x.

amother

Canary

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 8:28 am

imaima wrote:

So what?
Do you care about other kids more than about your own?

I still think you should tell your daughter. Based on my experience, I think it’s something to keep in mind.
You definitely don’t want to tell your daughter that it is 100% never allowed to be discussed with anyone but you. That makes it into such a big deal when it shouldn’t be.
I got in big trouble in 6th grade because I told a girl in my class. She told her mother what I told her and she got the principal involved. Was an honest nightmare for me. This mother forbade her daughter from coming over to my house after that. Was so hurtful.
Looking back, I think it was handled very poorly. This girls mother seems to be a bit controlling. I don’t know why the school freaked out from some 6th graders discussing things that are normal for them to be curious about.

shaqued_almond

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 8:51 am

I didn't grow up sheltered and the first time I was told I was about 9-10. Let me tell you, I didn't want to know at that time. I found it very disturbing, rather wanted to play with my Barbies and be left alone.

I also knew about periods before I had mine at 11, but nobody mentioned how long this was supposed to last. So the first time I got it, I was sad. I didn't want to become a woman yet, I wanted to stay a kid. But I just took a pad and moved on. After three days of bleeding I started to freak out. How long was I supposed to be bleeding? I told my mom then, I wasn't generally comfortable sharing things with her. Anyway please tell your daughters how long they can expect to bleed.

About the birds and the bees. Some kids are really curious about this, so if they show interest, tell them. If not, make sure to tell them about consent, what are private areas are, peer pressure, how to spot red flags etc. By the age of bat mitzvah, I would tell them about everything, even if they don't ask.

LovesHashem

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 9:00 am

amother Canary wrote:

There's always going to be a first kid who knows and it will be sometime around 10-12 years old. What's the real difference if it's your kid or another?

amother

Canary

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 9:14 am

I edited my post explaining what I meant and where I’m coming from.
I hope all the parent in your daughters school are ok with their kids finding out like any normal kid. There are some parents that will go ballistic.

imaima

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 9:35 am

shaqued_almond wrote:

My daughter was really sad that period is for the rest of your life till you are a grandma. I couldn’t fix this reality for her

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 9:41 am

groisamomma wrote:

Wow, at 9 years old? Poor kids. They're barely out of third grade!

You can bring it up in very general terms but I wouldn't provide as much detail as you wrote at all. Does she even know the names of the relevant body parts of a male? Too much info at one time will only overwhelm her and induce anxiety.

I’m confused too, are you aware that it’s becoming more common for 9 year olds to get their first period. I think it’s more traumatizing to get a period without knowing why you are bleeding than to find out at 9 and wait a few years to get it.

amother

Puce

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 9:46 am

For people saying 10 is way too young, at what age did you find out? I grew up very ‘mainstream’ frum and there is no way anyone I knew learned this info in high school. I’d say by 6th grade for sure, it was common knowledge.

imaima

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 9:46 am

amother Canary wrote:

Many people didn’t come to terms with their own sxuality even when they became parents. We can only be sorry for them.

tichellady

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 9:58 am

it shouldn't be one talk. it should be a series of conversations that happen because she feels safe with you. I would start by talking about periods and see where it leads and what questions she has.

amother

Hyacinth

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 10:21 am

I found out about s_x from a friend at 9 and was very confused. Asked my mom if it was true. You would wayyy rather her find out from you then someone else but on the other hand she will probably become obsessed with it and think about it a lot. She Is young. I remember thinking how does it make sense that my teachers who are pregnant do this..and how childless couples must not want to do s_x etc. Why don't you rather tell her over and over that you are always here for her and she can talk to you about anything etc. That way if she hears from friends she will come running to you for clarity

amother

Blonde

Wed, Apr 05 2023, 10:34 am

tichellady wrote:

it shouldn't be one talk. it should be a series of conversations that happen because she feels safe with you. I would start by talking about periods and see where it leads and what questions she has.

I agree with this. Make it an organic conversation that comes up every now and then so she’ll feel more comfortable coming to you with questions and won’t view s-x as a huge awkward unmentionable topic.

I found out at 11 in school and somehow got blamed for teaching everyone about it. So even if you keep your kid sheltered, they can still end up getting blamed for educating everyone. No reason to hold off.

Many women on imamother have really warped ways of looking at s-x because they had bad kallah teachers and their mother didn’t speak to them about it ever or just had one awkward conversation, so they didn’t know the kt was just being dumb and didn’t discuss it with their mothers. We need to prevent that.