biting mommy | Imamother

octopus

Fri, Jun 27 2008, 10:13 am

ok- ds is 22 mths old. He just started biting me. He sneaks up from behind, bites me there, and then bats his eyelashes and says, "I sorry." He does this ALL day.
I feel like if I overreact he will be encouraged to do this more.
How can I stop getting bitten???

red sea

Fri, Jun 27 2008, 10:33 am

Maybe next time when he says sorry, tell him "mommy doesnt like that game anymore, it hurts. lets try a new game. you sneak up behind me & give me a big hug. lets try it now, okay, I am not looking" if he takes the bait & tries, I would go all out, pretend he knocked you over and ensure a lot of giggling & rolling around playfulness with it & see if he doesnt replace the biting with hugs & kisses.

amother

Fri, Jun 27 2008, 10:40 am

While I don't have a kid this age yet, I've seen my close relatives struggle with this. And yes, overreacting can be bad, but underreacting is really, really bad too. Consistency is the key.

I've seen three mistakes parents have made with their kids (they did these on a regular basis, and it drove me nuts because I saw how it wasn't going to work!)

1. Saying "no" and then continuing to play with him. Especially if it's said in a "baby talk" voice ("No no no..."), the kid will not get the message, and will continue to do it.

2. Saying "If you bite me again, you're going to go right to bed!" And then when he bites you again, saying "Didn't you hear me? If you bite me ONE more time, you're going straight to bed!"

3. Getting upset because the bite HURTS and reacting with anger: "No - that HURT Mommy! Don't do that - how does this feel?" and either lightly biting the kid back or squeezing the kid's hand hard or in some other way hurting the kid slightly. This one made me CRINGE.

If it's just a one-time thing, get a very stern look on your face and say "NO. We do not bite." Then pick him up and move him or walk away from him.

But if it's something that happens constantly, say to him "No. We do not bite. If you bite, you will have to [stop playing, go to sleep, etc] - and then immediately carry through!

Again, I gave you my credentials at the beginning, so listen to more experienced parents...but please don't make either of those mistakes Sad

(amother in case any of these people are on imamother...)

octopus

Sat, Jun 28 2008, 9:57 pm

ok- I did the hugging idea. It did distract ds, and it is possible that I did not give it enough time, but the following thing happened erev shabbos:

Dh was helping me get ready for shabbos, and he did not notice ds sneak up behind him.... and bite him on his thigh. Dh gave a tremendous yelp, and I...and I...burst out laughing!
I am such a bad mother.
and bad wife.
oy.

mimivan

Sat, Jun 28 2008, 10:06 pm

This is tough...it is so obviously a game with him...I like amother's advice...are you sure you are being stern enough...and give him time to himself.

Mine doesn't do this all day b'h but he sometimes does it. He is the same age, but not so verbal, so he comes up and hugs me right after. I think he does it so he can "make up" to get both the pleasure of seeing me jump and make a funny noise, and cuddling to "make up."

Well, try to avoid reacting...that is what he wants...firmly tell him no and put him somewhere that prevents him from doing an enoyable activity for a few minutes. You can "make up" but don't overdo it..just maybe a light kiss and that is it. Since he is verbal, discuss with him what "sorry" means and it means not doing it again.

Sometimes I see it coming, try to be premptive and give him a soft toy to bite instead. Sometimes they are teething and do this to soothe.

The main thing is to make the "game" not fun anymore.

amother

Sat, Jun 28 2008, 11:06 pm

happymom

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 12:39 am

this is what I would do (I did it with my daughter when she was hitting when had negative feelings)

tell him that there are certain things for biting. for exampel, he can bite food, he can bite gum, and if he feels like biting, he can choose anything that is for biting. but we do not bite people because it hurts. then you can make him a chart. every time he feels like biting and he DOESNT he can get a sticker and then a prize... catch him doing the right thing and give lots of praise. if he bites remove him from the situation (like lets say hes on your lap... he comes off) and remind him, we can bite food, we can bite gum, we do NOT bite people, it huirts... we can play games but lets think of others that dont hurt other people...

my daughter has caught on with this so well sometimes when she is upset she will tell me, mommy I can hit my pillow but not people right?

happymom

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 12:41 am

when our kids bite they get a drop of liquid soap. I put the soap on my finger and gently swab it on their tongues. with my 2 yr old, who is in a biting "phase" right now, I make sure to firmly say "no biting!" when he gets the soap, so he connects the soap consequence to the biting.

I think putyting soap in a nother persons mouth is very very wrong and extremely mean. (sorry if im offending anyone) but I am even curious to know if putting soap in someones mouth is ok according to ghalacha. who says we have the right to put non edible food down someones throat? I mean, honestly think about it, that does not make them get the feeling to do the right thing, they just dont want to get that discusting soap so they are controlled to stop. its really not a positive thing to do. some people ven consider it abusive.

flowerpower

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 12:47 am

I like to make the bad behavior fade in a very non -chalantly way. I don't like to make a big thing from it because then the behavior becomes more of an issue and it's harder to deal with it. You have to figure out the root of the behavior. Is he doing it because he wants attention, needs to mouth things due to teething, likes the reactions of the biting...? You can then deal with it in that way. If it's because of the attention then you can say, oh you want me to play with you, say I'm sorry and get a book, next time you want mommy to play then tell me, if it's because of the teething then get him things to bite on, if it's because of the outcome then he gets a little punishment like saying sorry we don't bite and give a small harlmess pat on the mouth and continue what you were doing so he will realize that he won't get any att from doing it. You can keep on praising him for not biting throughout the day. Being positive always works best.

amother

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 7:55 am

I am the mother who wrote about using the drop of soap. I think using the term "abuse" or "mean" connected to this act is realllllllllly far-fetched. We hold the child gently and talk calmly to the child beforehand, and use literally a DROP of soap, as I said, GENTLY on the tongue. Then we give a hug afterwards. This is discipline, it's not always nice-nice. As for the comment about "non-edible food down someone's throat," nothing is being forced down anyone's throat, it's literally a drop of soap on the tongue.

I tried many times to tell my kids not to bite using "gentle" and "positive" ways and it did not work. Since we started using the soap, the biting incidents have gone waaaaaay down.

happymom

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 10:45 am

This is discipline

I think there is a huge difference bet dicipline and punishment.

Discipline is a positive way to teach a child self-control and confidence. The key to positive discipline is encouragement, teaching a child what behavior is okay and what behavior is not okay. The focus is on what children are expected and allowed to do. Positive discipline is concerned with how a child is behaving in the present and how a parent or caregiver wants the child to behave in the future.

Positive discipline helps children learn self-control and take responsibility for their own behavior better. They will behave independently, and respect themselves and others. Positive Discipline is a process, not a single act. It teaches children how to get along with other people.

Discipline is different from punishment because it teaches children to learn from their mistakes rather than making them suffer for them. In fact, imposing suffering actually shifts the focus from the lesson that needs to be learned to who is in control. As a result, punishment focuses on the parent being responsible for controlling a child's behavior, rather than the child controlling his/her own behavior, which is the focus of discipline

amother

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 10:57 am

While you might assume such punishment is appropriate, it actually reinforces your child's negative behavior, says Gary D. McKay, Ph.D., a Tucson, AZ-based psychologist and coauthor of Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World. "When kids do things like that and get a shocked or angry reaction from parents, they feel a sense of power," he says. The more you respond, the more he'll act up.