They don't respect him :(

amother

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 11:08 am

My kids do not respect my husband and it breaks my heart. My husband and I have a beautiful marriage of respect love and affection. My kids think he is a bad parent, they don't listen to him. They say real disrespectful things, they say mean things it can be really shocking. My children are 12 and under. The younger kids don't say disrespectful things, they don't think of him as a parent loser but they also
don't listen to my husband. This impacts my life is huge ways but that's not the point of this post. He has no authority, he is a very gentle person, they know this and they take total advantage and then consider him "he can't parent".
What can I do? I can't change him and he is always trying but it's not in his nature and it comes off inauthentic.
This is so sad and so unhealthy.

ShishKabob

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 11:12 am

You must be the one to stick up for him. You are a team. You must stop them and say, you can’t speak to him like that, I will not speak with you till you apologize and say it again respectfully.
Just like a dh needs to speak up if children speak disrespectfully to mom.
This is number 1 in raising healthy children. Hugs op and hatzlocha

amother

Wine

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 11:35 am

Talking from the other side here.
I grew up with zero respect for my father.
But we NEVER spoke disrespectfully because my mother wouldn't hear of it.
We just didn't have a relationship with him.

Yes, it's sad for child and parent.
No, you can not let them speak like that to him. That's your job.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 11:49 am

Remind him that you love that he’s gentle by nature but the kids need reach Chinuch from him and he needs to teach them that’s now how you treat your father. Just like you wouldn’t let them treat their rebbes them way.

It’s a matter of life lessons and good middos

amother

Forsythia

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 12:51 pm

For everyone running to judge and give quick fix advice, it's really not so easy and simple.

Dh is like that, a great father, has so much fun with the kids, loves them, loves spending time with them, but is a real softie and has a very very hard time being firm when it's needed.

I have tried so much to help, bought books (which he reads and really tries), modeled how to be kind but firm, explained the importance of it, etc. but it's a real real struggle for him.

The kids don't listen to him and they speak disrespectfully to him and it bothers me so so much.

When I hear them speaking disrespectfully to him, I reprimand them and tell them "You don't talk to a father like that" and have them say it again more respectfully. But I wish he would stand up for himself and be more firm where it's needed.

amother

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 2:58 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

Exactly. Of course I say something. Although sometimes I wonder if Im perpetuating the daddy is the weak parent narrative when I do that.
They love him but they walk all over him.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 3:02 pm

3 aspects
1. do not allow disrespect
2. model respect, even in an exaggerated fashion. Ask his opinion on things in front of the kids, enforce anything he says, stand up when he comes home etc
3. Ask him if he'd be prepared to go to a therapist/parenting coach to teach him assertiveness

amother

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 3:02 pm

amother Royalblue wrote:

He doesn't have it in him. He's tried books, classes, therapy, it never really sticks.

I want to build him up so that they are more respectful. I cannot change him. Telling them off and making them apologize doesn't help and it just makes me the superior parent so to speak.

Not having a co-parent who can discipline is very challenging but it's so upsetting that they treat him this way. If it helps to explain things he has both anxiety and ASD. He is an excellent father but a terrible disciplinarian.

amother

Navy

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 8:04 pm

something is missing in the picture.
Try to figure out what is the missing puzzle piece that is making them disrespect him.
Is it possible they are seeing a dominant grandma treat grandfather like a shmatte?
Is their one particular child who is shrewd and enjoys bullying someone who is atypical socially AND EVERYONE IS COPYING HIM?
look closely. You will probably come up with something other than your husband's personality.

amother

Thistle

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 8:54 pm

His ASD makes it difficult for him to learn parenting skills the typical way I.e. books, classes etc.
I'd encourage him to meet a therapist or coach who understands ASD to work with him . It's really bad for the kids to have a weak father figure.

From a daughter of a father with ASD with poor parenting skills.

amother

Wed, Apr 26 2023, 10:37 pm

Correct it is really difficult for him to learn new ways to parent. I see the pain and struggle of him trying and my heart bleeds. Why can't he just be enough without being a disciplinarian?
Yes some of my kids are also ND. Interesting thought about the one kid who likes to push buttons there is some of that.
How can I help the situation? Why does respect have to buy synonymous with authority? They should respect him even if he can't get them to listen. He is so patient and kind and such a great listener. He gives them attention and good times, he really is an amazing father.

ShishKabob

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 8:13 am

It’s one of the tenets in Judaism, on the first row of the Ten Commandments, just like keeping Shabbos. What would you do if they don’t keep Shabbos chalila? It’s not negotiable. It’s not negotiable to speak disrespectful to a father EVEN if he doesn’t command or demand respect. Maybe speak with a Rabbi to see if he has any good ideas on how to teach it and implement it. Hugs and lots and lots of hatzlocha!