Dear teen dd | Imamother

amother

Sun, May 07 2023, 9:06 pm

I'm so happy for you that you have all the energy in the world and think you know everything about parenting running a household, and marriage. I've tried to be as open with you as I can about the difficulties I face. I'm sorry I'm pregnant and not energetic, and that I'm not the most efficient housewife in general, and that your father is so difficult and I have to stand up for myself so often. I get that teens are critical; I was critical of my mom too. I truly hope you will have an easier lot in life than me, and not have to understand my struggles first hand. But I'm a person too, and it's so hard to be present for the family when every single thing I do is analyzed and thrown back at me with your black and white thinking, filtered through the lens of extremity you've acquired from taking at face value every single thing taught to you in your wonderful BY school. The school I pay tuition to. I love that you are gaining Torah values, but honestly, you take some of the lines your teachers are obligated to say altogether too literally. Lines about feminism, about technology, about how to be the ideal wife. You don't understand yet that there's dogma, and then there's real life. And you don't realize how difficult you are making it for me to be present with you and your siblings. How your attitude makes me want to run away back to my computer to squeeze in some of the work hours that pay your tuition, or to bargain hunt for hours on end on those treife websites that keep you stylishly equipped with the current trending tznius looks in a way we can afford. And then of course I feel more guilty for not being present, for not being that perfect smiling present akeres habayis because of course it's impossible to be both, and of course you hotly tell me how you will be both, support your husband in learning and be that angelic wife. And so I run back to my computer, and you, in an exaggeratedly sweet and calm voice that you use to make a point, ask your little siblings if they would like to bake with you. And I'm cracking up inside wondering how I'm going to keep everything together for another year, when your father relies on me to carry the burden of the household long after his kollel years are over, part because it's his personality and part learned helplessness from the crazy world we live in in which yes, women have rights, but at the same time, men don't do anything anymore. Men: taking advantage of women since the year zero, one way or another. I really, really hope things will be different for you, dd, and I really, really hope you don't have to learn the hard way.

zaq

Sun, May 07 2023, 9:52 pm

giftedmom wrote:

She’s clearly in pain, clearly senses the tension in your marriage, the tension within you, and is lashing out. Which triggers you.
You both need help

Clearly in pain? Not necessarily. Teens are famous for being know-it-alls. As Mark Twain said, "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Although nowadays I'd say it takes until the child is at least 30. 21 is much younger than it was in Mark Twain's day.

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, May 07 2023, 9:58 pm

zaq wrote:

Agreed. My teens are all apparently verrrrrry knowledgeable about parenting and are always quick to tell me what I’m doing wrong with their younger siblings (mind you I did a fine job raising said teens if I may say so myself)… I have teen sons and daughters and they ALL have opinions and a lot of confidence that they’d be doing things differently and of course way better… it’s annoying but I try to take it with a grain of salt and realize teens will be teens. I also remember when I was a teen thinking things were so simple. I didn’t really see nuance or shades of gray and I see the same qualities in my teens. IyH they’ll get there one day!

amother

Mint

Sun, May 07 2023, 11:10 pm

Teens can be so idealistic. It's kind of cute, not always. They won't be this way forever, unfortunately real life crashes down on all of us at some point.
It's important to harness that energy and idealism though and channel it where it can be the most creative and productive.
"You want to bake cookies with the kids? Excellent idea! How about also baking the cheesecakes for shavuos?"
(Eww Ma shavuos is so far away! They'll be rotten and moldy by then!

No it stays really fresh in the freezer, let me show you which recipe to use.

Gross! No way I'm not doing this. They're going to be so old and smelly by the time shavuos comes. I'm just doing cookies to eat now.

Sigh ok next time)