Am I being unfair?

amother

Thu, May 18 2023, 3:32 pm

DD10 bedroom looks like a tornado hit it. She doesn't want to clean up. It's very hard to see the floor and when I go in I'm constantly stepping on things. I told her that if she doesn't clean up then I can't come into her room to say good night to her (we do that outside her bedroom). Is this reasonable or am I being unfair?

BrisketBoss

Thu, May 18 2023, 3:37 pm

I think it's reasonable to set the boundary of not coming into the messy room, yes. If this or some other aspect of having a messy room seems distressing to her, you can offer to help. I'm a mommy and I still want someone to sit with me and help me organize my room--true story.

Shopmiami49

Thu, May 18 2023, 3:48 pm

giftedmom wrote:

You’re turning a natural expression of love into a reward/consequence

If she was only saying good night to her based on if the room was clean or not, I would agree with this statement But it sounds like OP has set up a boundary and that good night in the room can only happen in a clean room. the good night routine will still continue if I'm understanding correctly.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, May 18 2023, 4:16 pm

Even though she feels old to you, she’s still pretty young. I have this issue with my daughter the same age too. I think at this point it’s my job to teach her the skills that don’t come naturally to her. My other daughter whose younger is super neat, but it’s her personality.
Sometimes I’ll come into my daughters rooms and say “it’s super messy, we need to clean up”. I start the job and have her work along side me. At this point we need to model and teach the skills if they don’t naturally have them. I don’t think a harsh consequence is necessary.

amother

Camellia

Thu, May 18 2023, 4:18 pm

Please teach her the right ways to clean.

as a inattentive ADHD who lived my whole life with ALL MY clothing on the floor instead of in the closet I have gone through so much. Please look up 'Clean my space' or clutterbug or anyone who teaches cleaning and organizing!!

I was a mess and I got overwhelmed every time I had to clean and I was punished my whole life for something I was not given the tools to fix!!

I am only now (married with kids) figuring out how to not be a total mess. had my parents not entered the room to say goodnight along with the other stuff they did I would most likely not be alive right now.

please do not punish her, rather teach her. You can also speak to me for ideas and things to implement for her to enjoy cleaning and organizing more.

amother

Hunter

Thu, May 18 2023, 4:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

I offer to help her but she wants me to do it alone. She doesn't seem to care about it.

You have to figure this out together with her. Taking away her good night isn’t going to solve the problem.

amother

Camellia

Thu, May 18 2023, 4:31 pm

Maybe you can make it into a part of bedtime routine. she picks up the clothing, you fold it and she tells you about her day, laying the clothes out for tomorrow. Put all chachkes into a little basket and put it on the table/nightstand/bookshelf.

Alternatively, you can put the timer on for 5 minutes and see how much you can clean. And stop when the timer dings.

or you can make up stories (yes, 10 is a bit big, but it could work) about each of her belongings and where they live.

or you could maybe get rid of or put away some things so that she has less stuff that clutters.

whaqt is the clutter made of, is it clothing or schoolwork or hobbies/toys or something else?

BrisketBoss

Thu, May 18 2023, 4:32 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

You have to figure this out together with her. Taking away her good night isn’t going to solve the problem.

She didn't say she's taking it away, just not going into the room to do it. I think that's ok if presented in a non-punitive manner. It's not inherently punitive to set such a boundary with a 10yo.

(The difference: is this another tactic aimed at controlling what the child does, or are you merely stating what you are comfortable doing?)

Last edited by BrisketBoss on Thu, May 18 2023, 4:40 pm; edited 2 times in total

Fave

Thu, May 18 2023, 4:35 pm

I don’t expect kids under 12-13 to keep their room clean. As the mother running the household,
I take care of organizing and cleaning my kids’ rooms. I do have cleaning help that wipes all surfaces and vacuums and washes the floors weekly.

Kids are expected to pick up their stuff from the floors and put them in the hamper, but I’m the one who tends to remind them to do so. When I come in at night, I do a quick scan of the room and often tell/help my kids with putting things away. If done daily, stuff doesn’t accumulate.

When I put away clean laundry, I do a quick organization of the closets. When it’s done on a consistent basis, it takes a minute or so.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, May 18 2023, 4:44 pm

That's not the route I would go. She will have to come out to say good night, maybe.

But I don't think avoiding her room will teach her anything.

She's only 10. Doesn't need a choice. Tell her Sunday or whenever we are doing this. Put some music on and put her to work with you.

Also figure out if you can make her a minimalist, what are the problem areas, etc

amother

Tuberose

Thu, May 18 2023, 4:47 pm

I would focus on getting the room clean. Tell her whatever is on the floor is going in a box in the closet. If she needs anything then she’d better make sure she puts it away before you come in to box it all up.

Laiya

Thu, May 18 2023, 4:53 pm

It sounds like the current state is overwhelming. I would clean it myself, invite her to help, or tell her you'll do it together with her but realize you'll be doing most of it. Once it's in order, give her very specific, limited daily tasks.
Dirty clothing in the hamper.
Books on the shelf.
Etc.
And check to make sure it's done until she gets in the habit.

ora_43

Thu, May 18 2023, 5:09 pm

It's reasonable. It's a good lesson, even. If you want people to come into your space, you have to make it, y'know, not stab them in the feet. That's fair.

But how does it feel to you? If it doesn't sit right, I'd respect that, even if you can't pinpoint a reason for it. ('respect that,' meaning, I'd pick a different way to enforce some level of clean)

Ema of 5

Thu, May 18 2023, 5:16 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

As long as good night etc. is still said, even if it’s just from the doorway, I agree. If it’s completely skipped, that’s not fair.