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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers
Scared theyll be traumatized
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amother
Catmint


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:19 am
amother OP wrote:
He doesnt realize mommy carrys the baby he just thinks Mommy and totty go and pick one so he has to go to someone elses house to watch him till Mommy comes back. He already chose the gender Laugh


My kids know that babies grow in the mother. We talk about that even if no one else in my community does. I don’t like keeping topics taboo and I especially don’t like giving over misinformation.
Pretty soon he will learn about it in the parsha/Chumash, if he hasn’t already, anyway.
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:21 am
amother Papaya wrote:
No agenda besides for sharing my observation from those around me. There's no extra cleaning help & the 3rd & 4th graders are babysitting little kids all afternoon.
"Certain groups" don't have less energy. "Certain groups" know that a woman post birth is a choleh and needs to be taken care of well after birth. "Certain groups" are not martyrs and know how to take care of themselves and know that their kids will be just fine staying with family & they don't fall apart over the thought of doing that. Those "certain groups" end up having an easier and quicker recovery and have more energy in the long run to care for their children. A women post birth is supposed to rest and care for her baby postpartum and that's it. There's nothing weak about admitting that and I don't admire the woman that go home straight from the hospital to a house full of kids.
There's a time and place for everything.


Not a martyr at all, I know what I can do. I have seen first hands some kids be really not fine. Some kids have anxiety, it's not that rare. Not all kids are going to grandparents.

I have not seen women having easier and quicker recoveries when sending their kids away. Sorry, you really made that one up. And more energy in the long run?? where do you see that one lol?

Sorry, we can agree to disagree. Unless there is an extreme medical situation, most women are plenty capable of being home with extra help and getting plenty of rest while their kids are out during the day.
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amother
Molasses


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:24 am
amother Papaya wrote:
No agenda besides for sharing my observation from those around me. There's no extra cleaning help & the 3rd & 4th graders are babysitting little kids all afternoon.
"Certain groups" don't have less energy. "Certain groups" know that a woman post birth is a choleh and needs to be taken care of well after birth. "Certain groups" are not martyrs and know how to take care of themselves and know that their kids will be just fine staying with family & they don't fall apart over the thought of doing that. Those "certain groups" end up having an easier and quicker recovery and have more energy in the long run to care for their children. A women post birth is supposed to rest and care for her baby postpartum and that's it. There's nothing weak about admitting that and I don't admire the woman that go home straight from the hospital to a house full of kids.
There's a time and place for everything.


There’s definitely middle grounds. My husband works shorter hours when I’m post partum- he goes to an 8:00 minyan once the kids left for school, goes to work at 9, comes home around 4. His job is so happy he’s just shaving off 2 hours a day instead of taking his legally protected FMLA that they don’t even count it as time off.
Dinner is delivered by friends every night, or we order food or we heat food from the freezer.

My parents live close enough that we’re with them at either our house or theirs every fri-sun for the first month.

So that first month I sit at the table and eat breakfast with my kids, hand them a snack and read books on the couch after school till my husband gets home, and sit with them at bedtime. Not a huge imposition on my healing, but plenty of love for them.
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:30 am
amother Molasses wrote:
There’s definitely middle grounds. My husband works shorter hours when I’m post partum- he goes to an 8:00 minyan once the kids left for school, goes to work at 9, comes home around 4. His job is so happy he’s just shaving off 2 hours a day instead of taking his legally protected FMLA that they don’t even count it as time off.
Dinner is delivered by friends every night, or we order food or we heat food from the freezer.

My parents live close enough that we’re with them at either our house or theirs every fri-sun for the first month.

So that first month I sit at the table and eat breakfast with my kids, hand them a snack and read books on the couch after school till my husband gets home, and sit with them at bedtime. Not a huge imposition on my healing, but plenty of love for them.
'

Exactly!! We all recuperate well bh and take it easy, we're doing great!!

(With all due respect to your neighbors who are ALL falling apart, are ALL martyrs, and ALL neglect their kids. I don't know where you live and frankly I don't want to know. )
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:55 am
The same woman that are horrified at the thought of sending kids away post birth, send their newborns to babysitters and daycare, often full time, from 6 weeks old.... (just saying.)
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:56 am
amother NeonPink wrote:
'

Exactly!! We all recuperate well bh and take it easy, we're doing great!!

(With all due respect to your neighbors who are ALL falling apart, are ALL martyrs, and ALL neglect their kids. I don't know where you live and frankly I don't want to know. )


I did not say the word all. Not even once.
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amother
Papayawhip


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:59 am
amother Papaya wrote:
The same woman that are horrified at the thought of sending kids away post birth, send their newborns to babysitters and daycare, often full time, from 6 weeks old.... (just saying.)

No, not necessarily true.
I don't know anyone who only takes 6 weeks maternity leave btw other than (part time) teachers--and yeah, if you work in a frum school, technically that is part time. Most people I know take around 12 weeks. Unless they work from home.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:00 am
amother Papayawhip wrote:
No, not necessarily true.
I don't know anyone who only takes 6 weeks maternity leave btw other than (part time) teachers--and yeah, if you work in a frum school, technically that is part time. Most people I know take around 12 weeks. Unless they work from home.


I don't know where you live, but in Lakewood where most women work, it's 6 weeks maternity leave. Some schools started giving 8 weeks. I don't know anyone that has 12 weeks maternity leave.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:07 am
amother Papaya wrote:
The same woman that are horrified at the thought of sending kids away post birth, send their newborns to babysitters and daycare, often full time, from 6 weeks old.... (just saying.)


I don't.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:09 am
amother Burgundy wrote:
I don't.


In certain communities, most do. It doesn't mean that everyone sends out their babies at 6-8 weeks, but most do. And the thought of sending away older kids post birth, horrifies them. Ironic. A newborn & infant in the first year, needs it's mother full time more than an older child does in those few days that they're away...
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:14 am
amother Papaya wrote:
In certain communities, most do. It doesn't mean that everyone sends out their babies at 6-8 weeks, but most do. And the thought of sending away older kids post birth, horrifies them. Ironic. A newborn & infant in the first year, needs it's mother full time more than an older child does in those few days that they're away...


I choose to assume OP is a full time stay-at-home mom.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:15 am
amother Ginger wrote:
I choose to assume OP is a full time stay-at-home mom.


And?
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amother
Apple


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 10:01 am
amother Molasses wrote:
There’s definitely middle grounds. My husband works shorter hours when I’m post partum- he goes to an 8:00 minyan once the kids left for school, goes to work at 9, comes home around 4. His job is so happy he’s just shaving off 2 hours a day instead of taking his legally protected FMLA that they don’t even count it as time off.
Dinner is delivered by friends every night, or we order food or we heat food from the freezer.

My parents live close enough that we’re with them at either our house or theirs every fri-sun for the first month.

So that first month I sit at the table and eat breakfast with my kids, hand them a snack and read books on the couch after school till my husband gets home, and sit with them at bedtime. Not a huge imposition on my healing, but plenty of love for them.


That may just be the difference right there. Where I live, preschool children start at 9:30, so the bus route would not start before 9.

Which means, dh would not be able to go daven until 9:30, missing zman tefillah possibly, and not getting to work until closer to 10:30. That flexibility is not something most men can do.

Oh and even school age kids, that do start at 9 (or 8:45), would mean the bus at 8:30. Boys closer to age 10 start earlier than 9.

My sister's husband is a rebbe for 10 year old. He starts work at 8:30. They don't daven with minyan yet so he needs to daven at 7. Her girls would be fending for themselves if they stay home.
Walking to bus stop would mean enlisting a neighbor.

We also don't get meal trains in our side of the world. There are just that many days you can buy take out for a full family. Logistically, sending a child out for a few days just makes much more sense.

As much as some people keep saying, listen to your gut, keep your kids home... guess what? it doesn't (can't?) work that way my community.
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 10:08 am
amother Papaya wrote:
The same woman that are horrified at the thought of sending kids away post birth, send their newborns to babysitters and daycare, often full time, from 6 weeks old.... (just saying.)


Most are working very part time (teachers, therapists), and now with family leave, it's not as common to go back at 6 weeks.

Some do, and I find that very very sad also.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 10:10 am
amother Papaya wrote:
And?


and so postulating that she sends out her infants to a babysitter, but illogically frets about overnight at a relative isn't fair.
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amother
Molasses


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 10:31 am
amother Papaya wrote:
I don't know where you live, but in Lakewood where most women work, it's 6 weeks maternity leave. Some schools started giving 8 weeks. I don't know anyone that has 12 weeks maternity leave.


Legally in NJ you’re entitled to 12 weeks, and if you’re paid on the books, the government pays 80% of your pay during that time
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 10:45 am
amother Papaya wrote:
No agenda besides for sharing my observation from those around me. There's no extra cleaning help & the 3rd & 4th graders are babysitting little kids all afternoon.
"Certain groups" don't have less energy. "Certain groups" know that a woman post birth is a choleh and needs to be taken care of well after birth. "Certain groups" are not martyrs and know how to take care of themselves and know that their kids will be just fine staying with family & they don't fall apart over the thought of doing that. Those "certain groups" end up having an easier and quicker recovery and have more energy in the long run to care for their children. A women post birth is supposed to rest and care for her baby postpartum and that's it. There's nothing weak about admitting that and I don't admire the woman that go home straight from the hospital to a house full of kids.
There's a time and place for everything.


And then they are back to carpooling at 7 days post c-section
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amother
Dimgray


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 10:46 am
amother Mustard wrote:
I grew up this way, Mom had 12 kids. I'm almost 40 and don't feel any trauma from being sent away LOL .

I'm pretty sure my mother didn't prepare me either when I was a toddler but that part I feel is important to do (even though, again, no trauma for me!).

When I had my oldest few they went to grandparents for 2 weeks (they're now teens).
I wouldn't do that now but my kids are fine.

Like I said earlier in the thread I'm pregnant now and have a 2.5 year old. We are talking about this constantly. She is only gonna be going out for the 2 days I'm in the hospital. But I'm lucky that I don't have a busy household and a dh that works from home.

I can understand that many people don't have the liberty to do that.


In The Dark Ages when I was a kid, no one used seat belts. We survived. But when I had kids and grandkids, you bet I buckled them up.

The prevailing wisdom among child development specialists nowadays is that ideally, children should be cared for at home whenever possible. When children go someplace very familiar, they are usually fine. Being sent someplace unfamiliar (especially with no communication with parents) is generally not recommended.

Parenting advice changes with time. We're all trying to do our best for our kids.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 10:48 am
amother Dimgray wrote:
In The Dark Ages when I was a kid, no one used seat belts. We survived. But when I had kids and grandkids, you bet I buckled them up.

The prevailing wisdom among child development specialists nowadays is that ideally, children should be cared for at home whenever possible. When children go someplace very familiar, they are usually fine. Being sent someplace unfamiliar (especially with no communication with parents) is generally not recommended.

Parenting advice changes with time. We're all trying to do our best for our kids.


Sometimes stability is sending them to a very familiar house with structure fun and routine over having different random sitters or neighbors in your house caring for your kids while all they want is- Mommmmmy.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:05 am
flowerpower wrote:
Sometimes stability is sending them to a very familiar house with structure fun and routine over having different random sitters or neighbors in your house caring for your kids while all they want is- Mommmmmy.


Yes, as long as the home and adults are very familiar.
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