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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers
Scared theyll be traumatized
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:07 am
amother Molasses wrote:
Legally in NJ you’re entitled to 12 weeks, and if you’re paid on the books, the government pays 80% of your pay during that time


I don't know anyone in Lakewood that gets 12 weeks. Most go back at 6 weeks, 8 weeks max.
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amother
Obsidian


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:08 am
flowerpower wrote:
Yups. My younger kids go away for 10 days-2 weeks and they come home very happy and not traumatized at all. It’s community dependent as posters have said. It takes a village to raise a child and doing so when giving birth is part of it. I’m beyond grateful to belong to such a community!!


That’s a really long time for a toddler.
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amother
Catmint


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:09 am
amother Obsidian wrote:
That’s a really long time for a toddler.


Did she ask for your opinion
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:12 am
amother Papaya wrote:
In certain communities, most do. It doesn't mean that everyone sends out their babies at 6-8 weeks, but most do. And the thought of sending away older kids post birth, horrifies them. Ironic. A newborn & infant in the first year, needs it's mother full time more than an older child does in those few days that they're away...


I actually don't agree with this. A newborn/ infant needs its mother, but having a known, attentive caregiver for a certain number of hours per day is really not going to negatively affect them in any way. Whether that person is tatty, bubby, an aunt or a babysitter who is caring for only that baby or one other as well. A three year old is far more affected being in an unfamiliar home without any of his parents for a few days. And yes, I'm speaking from experience.
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amother
Daffodil


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:26 am
It all boils down to how you prepare the children, and how hard they take change. I send away my kids to my siblings for two weeks post-birth. Most recent birth 10 & 12yr. old were home the first week, then begged to also go away so they went the second week, they love this sleepaway camp style (so to speak) once every 1.5-3yrs at there aunt's-uncle's home and play with there cousins.

IY"H with my next one I won't send them away, and probably Also not DC3 and maybe also DC4. depends on what age they will be then. As of now, I'm still nursing my 1 yr. old B''H Very Happy .

my kids let me know every now and then " when you give birth again I want to go to..."
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mfb




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:39 am
amother Papaya wrote:
No agenda besides for sharing my observation from those around me. There's no extra cleaning help & the 3rd & 4th graders are babysitting little kids all afternoon.
"Certain groups" don't have less energy. "Certain groups" know that a woman post birth is a choleh and needs to be taken care of well after birth. "Certain groups" are not martyrs and know how to take care of themselves and know that their kids will be just fine staying with family & they don't fall apart over the thought of doing that. Those "certain groups" end up having an easier and quicker recovery and have more energy in the long run to care for their children. A women post birth is supposed to rest and care for her baby postpartum and that's it. There's nothing weak about admitting that and I don't admire the woman that go home straight from the hospital to a house full of kids.
There's a time and place for everything.


Absolutely this!!!
If Halacha considers one a choleh then obviously that means something!!!
And yes some of the people on here that complain about never ending bleeding postpartum may have a much easier time if they actually rested for a few weeks. (Obviously not everyone can but if you have family willing to help then absolutely accept it!!!)
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:53 am
amother Daffodil wrote:
It all boils down to how you prepare the children, and how hard they take change. I send away my kids to my siblings for two weeks post-birth. Most recent birth 10 & 12yr. old were home the first week, then begged to also go away so they went the second week, they love this sleepaway camp style (so to speak) once every 1.5-3yrs at there aunt's-uncle's home and play with there cousins.

IY"H with my next one I won't send them away, and probably Also not DC3 and maybe also DC4. depends on what age they will be then. As of now, I'm still nursing my 1 yr. old B''H Very Happy .

my kids let me know every now and then " when you give birth again I want to go to..."


For older kids it may be fun, but most 2,3,4,5 year olds are not begging to be away from mommy.
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:56 am
mfb wrote:
Absolutely this!!!
If Halacha considers one a choleh then obviously that means something!!!
And yes some of the people on here that complain about never ending bleeding postpartum may have a much easier time if they actually rested for a few weeks. (Obviously not everyone can but if you have family willing to help then absolutely accept it!!!)


Halachically one is a choleh sheyeish ba sakana for the first 3 days, and a cholah she'ein ba sakana until one week old. Everyone I know is taking it very easy the first week, even if their kids are home.

As far as bleeding, I usually get to the mikva by 5 weeks BH.

Not sending kids away doesn't mean we don't take it easy at all. It doesn't have to be one extreme or the other!
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 12:00 pm
mfb wrote:
Absolutely this!!!
If Halacha considers one a choleh then obviously that means something!!!
And yes some of the people on here that complain about never ending bleeding postpartum may have a much easier time if they actually rested for a few weeks. (Obviously not everyone can but if you have family willing to help then absolutely accept it!!!)


I do rest. Without sending my kids away from their parents. And last time I went to the mikvah at 4 weeks and had a super smooth recovery BH.
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 12:02 pm
flowerpower wrote:
Sometimes stability is sending them to a very familiar house with structure fun and routine over having different random sitters or neighbors in your house caring for your kids while all they want is- Mommmmmy.


Again, I want to clarify, unless there is a medical problem, in most cases Mommy can be available for her kids!! She can rest during the day while kids are out, and sit on the couch in the afternoon spending time with her kids. If she has a mother's helper or single aunt or bubby helping out, they can help put the supper in the oven, take it out, dish it out, (though many mothers have no issue doing that, it's not that strenuous), and mommy can sit and spend time with the kids.

It doesn't have to be:
Choice A: Send kids out and stay in bed all day.
Choice B: Keep kids home, do 10 loads of laundry a day, do carpool, do grocery shopping, cook gourmet meals, sweep, mop, wash dishes....
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amother
Daffodil


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 12:07 pm
amother NeonPink wrote:
For older kids it may be fun, but most 2,3,4,5 year olds are not begging to be away from mommy.


For that age, the first 1-2 days are transitioning (the time mom is in the hospital), and then it's no major difference for how long. they are told they will be away form their parents for lets say 2 shabbosim and then they'll come back home.
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amother
Obsidian


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 12:25 pm
amother Papaya wrote:
No agenda besides for sharing my observation from those around me. There's no extra cleaning help & the 3rd & 4th graders are babysitting little kids all afternoon.
"Certain groups" don't have less energy. "Certain groups" know that a woman post birth is a choleh and needs to be taken care of well after birth. "Certain groups" are not martyrs and know how to take care of themselves and know that their kids will be just fine staying with family & they don't fall apart over the thought of doing that. Those "certain groups" end up having an easier and quicker recovery and have more energy in the long run to care for their children. A women post birth is supposed to rest and care for her baby postpartum and that's it. There's nothing weak about admitting that and I don't admire the woman that go home straight from the hospital to a house full of kids.
There's a time and place for everything.


This kind of goes back to the why do you want a large family thread for me. If each child is truly a precious diamond, how can you not prepare them for the birth of a new sibling, and then send them away with no contact for 2 weeks? That is traumatizing IMHO.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 12:27 pm
amother Obsidian wrote:
This kind of goes back to the why do you want a large family thread for me. If each child is truly a precious diamond, how can you not prepare them for the birth of a new sibling, and then send them away with no contact for 2 weeks? That is traumatizing IMHO.


Who's talking about not preparing them for the birth?
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amother
Tealblue


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:50 pm
amother Burgundy wrote:
I actually don't agree with this. A newborn/ infant needs its mother, but having a known, attentive caregiver for a certain number of hours per day is really not going to negatively affect them in any way. Whether that person is tatty, bubby, an aunt or a babysitter who is caring for only that baby or one other as well. A three year old is far more affected being in an unfamiliar home without any of his parents for a few days. And yes, I'm speaking from experience.

This isn’t true. A baby can’t express themselves like a toddler but it’s far more important for a baby to be home with their mother then a toddler to be out for a few hours a day. ( Although I personally don’t send out my toddlers until 3 as it’s still best for them to be home) Do your research and understand child development and you will see that in infancy the baby really needs their mother nearby for optimal development.
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amother
Tealblue


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:53 pm
amother Daffodil wrote:
For that age, the first 1-2 days are transitioning (the time mom is in the hospital), and then it's no major difference for how long. they are told they will be away form their parents for lets say 2 shabbosim and then they'll come back home.

That’s devastating for a toddler. This is very possibly causing a real trauma in a toddler. 1-2 days of transitioning is a big deal at that age.
I have a large family bh and always had a toddler when giving birth and the toddler stays home. It’s so unnecessary to send the kids away for a few weeks. The most the toddler was by grandparents was the actual time I was in the hospital. For a toddler to be away from their mother for a 1-2 weeks is really unjustifiable unless a true emergency situation is unfolding.
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amother
Daffodil


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 11:59 pm
The true emergency is that the mother needs 1.5-2 weeks to recuperate enough to be able to take care of the toddler's needs.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 4:46 am
amother Daffodil wrote:
The true emergency is that the mother needs 1.5-2 weeks to recuperate enough to be able to take care of the toddler's needs.


Living in the same home doesn't have to mean that she's the one taking care of the toddler's needs. I've been in a true emergency situation... Birth is not it.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 4:47 am
amother Tealblue wrote:
This isn’t true. A baby can’t express themselves like a toddler but it’s far more important for a baby to be home with their mother then a toddler to be out for a few hours a day. ( Although I personally don’t send out my toddlers until 3 as it’s still best for them to be home) Do your research and understand child development and you will see that in infancy the baby really needs their mother nearby for optimal development.


I'm genuinely curious to know. What aspect of development is negatively impacted by having a consistent, attentive caregiver 1:1 for a few hours a day who is not the mother?
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 5:05 am
amother Dimgray wrote:
In The Dark Ages when I was a kid, no one used seat belts. We survived. But when I had kids and grandkids, you bet I buckled them up.

The prevailing wisdom among child development specialists nowadays is that ideally, children should be cared for at home whenever possible. When children go someplace very familiar, they are usually fine. Being sent someplace unfamiliar (especially with no communication with parents) is generally not recommended.

Parenting advice changes with time. We're all trying to do our best for our kids.


Of course our parenting wisdom changes with time. My own examples prove that. We don't disagree.

I'm just pointing out that I was most likely sent away as a tiny toddler (I was under 2 when my next sibling was born) and as a preschooler and many more times after that with no lasting trauma b"h.
Is it ideal? In today's age no. And personally I don't agree with the entitled mentality I see sometimes around me that someone "must take my kids for 2 weeks because I had a baby". I do differently.
But it's not necessarily that earth shatteringly irreversibly trauma inducing. If the home life is not dysfunctional on a daily basis and is warm and loving (like b"h my childhood life was) I highly doubt there's any long lasting trauma.

I truly wonder if there are any studies done with a normal home life, not a dysfunctional continuously traumatizing one, where a toddler is sent to a relative for a week after a baby. Followed into adulthood does this toddler have lasting trauma from that 1 week??
Some posters are making it sound like op is terrible for even considering to send her preschoolers to an aunt for a week.
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amother
Obsidian


 

Post Thu, May 25 2023, 5:13 am
amother Papaya wrote:
In certain communities, most do. It doesn't mean that everyone sends out their babies at 6-8 weeks, but most do. And the thought of sending away older kids post birth, horrifies them. Ironic. A newborn & infant in the first year, needs it's mother full time more than an older child does in those few days that they're away...


Sending toddlers and young children away for 2 weeks when they don’t know what’s going on or where there mommy is is more traumatic than sending an infant out for a few hours a day.
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