Your teen daughter and your baby

amother

Anemone

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:09 am

amother OP wrote:

Your ok with that ?.

Yes cause the love and happiness is amazing I bond with her by day when they are not home. I don’t send her out at all.

amother

Tiffanyblue

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:13 am

Sounds like you unintentionally turned this into a power struggle with her.

I would start praising her a ton for the help and love she’s giving him. Let go of your control a bit! You are the mom, no matter what she does. Hovering is one thing I wouldn’t be ok with but the rest is your own issues that need to be worked on. Once you do you’ll see she’ll start relating to the baby in a more healthy way.

amother

Zinnia

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:13 am

amother Arcticblue wrote:

Disappearing with the baby despite being told not to is safe?

Is it safe? Yes. Should she be disobeying? No. But there's nor safety issues with a 16 yo pushing a stroller unsupervised.

amother

Iris

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:15 am

amother OP wrote:

Because I want to be his mother. Because I want him to attach to me as the foundation for a healthy life for him ahead. Yes he is safe but I want to raise him!

But as an aside for that I'm wondering how much is a regular sibling attachment versus extreme..alot of my irritation also comes from the fact that I view the obsession ad unhealthy and maybe it isn't maybe all teens are like that ? And the mothers just don't mind because they are glad for the help.

I have a young child and both step/bio teens. None of them want to help out with my DC aside from a few minutes of play. If you have a teen who wants to help, why not enjoy it? I wish mine had done that!

amother

Tiffanyblue

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:18 am

amother Zinnia wrote:

Is it safe? Yes. Should she be disobeying? No. But there's nor safety issues with a 16 yo pushing a stroller unsupervised.

You don’t actually know what kind of issues the teen has. Life has taught me that some 16 year olds are more similar to five year olds in some ways. But op has got to learn how to let go of this power struggle. The kid is thriving off of it.

amother

Peony

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:19 am

Are you a SAHM?

If yes, she is right that you have him to yourself for most of the day.

I think you should more be looking at why this is triggering you rather than focusing on her behavior.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:21 am

amother OP wrote:

I am setting boundaries and like I said I get pushback. She gets upset when I tell her not to take the stroller right now...or she says you got to hold him all morning already....

Setting the boundaries isn't the issue. It's more wondering what is considered normal teen behavior versus unhealthy or obsessive and how to establish a healthier relationship.

sounds like you really don't have much experience with teens....do you remember how it was when you were a teen? can you draw on that? to help you have more realistic expectations?

for a 16 year this is quite normal to say "but you held him all morning..."
just laugh it off
don't make it into a control/tug of war
there is no contest
you are the mother
she is a doting sib B"H

you are in a challenging position parenting a teen -- maybe get some professional mentorship to have a better frame of reference /expectations etc

amother

Peony

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:22 am

Also, is this her first sibling?

Realize that it might be her first time feeling like she has a "normal" family after all these years of watching her friends' families growing while she gets a step mom and unsual family situation.

She feels really good to finally be able to show off that she has a new baby too. It might be therapeutic for her.

amother

Iris

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:25 am

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

Indeed. I have an 18-year old SC that I would sadly no longer let out alone with our youngest due to their issues and immaturity.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:25 am

amother Peony wrote:

excellent point
she wants to feel a full member of the family
it is therapeutic for the whole family
you don't know what a nightmare it is to live with an angry resentful teen all the more so one who is a stepchild

amother

Zinnia

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:25 am

First of all, it's within the range of normal behavior. Lots of teens adore their baby siblings and want to hold them all the time. However, it's ok to set appropriate boundaries. It's ok to tell her she can't hover over you. You are allowed to have personal space. But it also sounds like you have yoir own issues to work through. You're not in competition with her. The baby happily going to her doesn't take away anything from you. And you don't need to have the baby in your sight every second unless you have a real reason to be concerned about your step-daughter pushing the stroller unsupervised. Telling her she has to stay within your sight sounds a little overprotective.

Enjoy your time with your baby but work on your feelings of jealousy. You will always be the baby's mother even if other people spend lots of time with thr baby. Be happy that your baby is loved, but still set appropriate boundaries and allow yourself personal space.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:26 am

She can push back, but you can tell her it's not up for discussion. Smile and say it pleasantly. You can also say "I'm so glad you want to help. Thank you! But I don't need help with the baby now. But I would love if you would x y z..." give her something else to do, or tell her you'll need help with him later to watch him while you nap etc.

It is normal for teens to be obsessed with babies to a degree. It's normal for teens to be extreme in general. Just keep your cool and answer her calmly, and don't get drawn into a back and forth.

amother

Iris

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:27 am

amother Zinnia wrote:

Is it safe? Yes. Should she be disobeying? No. But there's nor safety issues with a 16 yo pushing a stroller unsupervised.

Not necessarily. A 16-year old who doesn’t listen when a parent says don’t go ahead, may also not be so attuned or concerned to dangers such as a busy road.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:29 am

amother Zinnia wrote:

yes this exactly
do it for your marriage, your family, your baby as you will all benefit

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:32 am

Also I don't think accusations of jealousy are helpful to OP. Those making the accusations would probably feel the same in her position. It's normal to be disoriented by an overly possessive family member constantly grabbing a baby from his mother. For those making the accusations, would you tolerate a mother or mother in law with the same behavior? Babies need their mothers, and mothers need their babies. That is very natural. We're not talking about a toddler here, or a mother who's overwhelmed and can't deal with her baby.

amother

Peony

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:33 am

amother Iris wrote:

Not necessarily. A 16-year old who doesn’t listen when a parent says don’t go ahead, may also not be so attuned or concerned to dangers such as a busy road.

Oh please. Unless OP mentions otherwise, why would anyone assume that she can't act responsibly at the age of 16. No need to infantalize her for no reason.

amother

Peony

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:34 am

amother Kiwi wrote:

change it up
invite her in
she is 16?
ask her to babysit and go out with dh

Finally a voice of reason.

A 16 year old should be treated as such. Not like a little kid who you can't trust to babysit.