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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
DVOM
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 Mon, May 29 2023, 5:14 am
| Golde wrote: | I second everyone saying you might benefit from some professional advice on how to manage a blended family.
And then to just throw in my two cents: your step dd's reaction sounds pretty normal to me, a bit on the extreme side yes, but still normal. My tween dd was the same with our baby. However your reaction to your step dd seems worrying. My dd was always taking the baby as you describe but I never once felt competition, I felt love between my children. I think the issue is that she is your step dd and you don't love her like you love the new baby. You need to be very careful. Remember you're giving your baby the most beautiful gift by having a sister that loves him so dearly. There's no way, absolutely no way, she will take your place in his life. You will always be the mom and she will be the sister. He can love you both. (And yes, it's completely normal for babies to "prefer" older siblings to their mom. When he needs you, he will want you, not her.)
You sound like a loving, caring mom. You will figure this out  |
Very well put, Golde.
First, I don't think you need to worry about dd's behavior being unhealthy. I think teen dd's behavior is totally normal. Nothing op described would worry me. I had 4 boys, a 7 year gap, and then a little girl. My boys are crazy about her, and she's totally in love with them. All the behaviors you've described, I've experienced, including the incredibly annoying hovering and kissing and hand holding while I'm holding the baby. That sort of behavior needs bounderies for sure (some variation of: "dude! I'm suffocating here! Please back up and give me some space!") but it's not worrisome. In fact, seen in a different light, it's beautiful. Sibling relationships are so precious. My sisters are the my closest and dearest friends. I hope and pray for my kids to have that sort of bond with each other.
You don't seem to be seeing the beauty in the love blossoming between your son and daughter, OP. You seem jealous and threatened. I know it's a bit cliche to suggest therapy on this sight, but I do think you could benefit from some insight into your reactions and feelings. You're this baby's mom. No one can take that away from you, no matter who pushes his stoller. I think if you felt more secure and confident in your role as the mom, you'd be able to better celebrate your step daughter's role as your baby's sister without feeling like your toes are getting stepped on. Perhaps there's a part of you that wishes there was no step daughter. I'm guessing sharing your husband and new baby with her is challenging in hundreds of ways. You can love her, and resent her and feel threatened by her at the same time. Therapy might help you work through some of those complicated, beautiful parts of yourself. Work through it now, because it's only going to get more complex as your son grows up.
Now that my daughter is almost 2, she's able to reciprocate my big boys' love for her in the most adorable ways. She was saying some of their names before she said 'mama'. She absolutely prefers playing with them over me. They're sillier and wilder and cooler than I'll ever be. She trundles down the stairs every morning calling "Brothers! Boys! Where are you, brothers?!" and waits at the window for their school bus to come home in the afternoon literally dancing with impatient longing. If they're still in bed when she gets up, she wants to go into their beds for a cuddle, not mine. She wants to hold their hands and sit in their laps, and have them fix her hair and cut up her pizza. Her favorite spot is perched on her 6 foot tall brother's shoulder, holding onto his hair while he mows the lawn or chats with his friends. My boys are patient and playful and so loving towards her. And I haven't even begun to describe her relationship with my husband, so beautiful and precious that I literally tear up watching them together.
None of this is a threat to me. I know I'm her mother, I'm very secure in my role. My love for her provides the safe harbor she needs to sail away from me with confidence in her ability and her worth. And sail away she does, a little more independent and brave and curious every single day. I don't need her to prefer my bedtime stories or to want me to be the one to kiss her little scrapes. My love gives her the deep knowledge of herself that she is precious and lovable, gives her the ability to seek out love from others. It's an absolute joy to see my kids loving and taking care of each other, confident in their worth, their ability to give and receive. There's no such thing as too much love. She has the love of all of us, and none of it is going to waste.
I'm rambling a little. A lot. Sorry, I'm really tired.
You son has your love, a beautiful and precious bond. And he has a loving sister, another beautiful and precious bond. There's no conflict here, or at least, there doesn't have to be.
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amother
Vanilla
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Mon, May 29 2023, 6:50 am
| amother Iris wrote: | As I mentioned before, I am a parent of both bio and stepteens. I also have a young child and I have an 18-year old DSC who I would not let look after our youngest. I wish it were different but it isn’t. It is not a power struggle but about my job as a parent not to leave my child with someone I don’t fully trust. In the past when I have left my child with the teen, while in the house, there have been some incidents, thankfully nothing serious. One time, I had to stop DSC from letting DC go near the road. She was 18 at the time. I have raised DSC since she was a young girl so it isn’t about the fact she is a “step” vs a bio kid. Not all older DCs are capable child carers. And at the end of the day, siblings are NOT the parent. It is my duty to keep my young child safe, not a teen sibling.
With OP, when a 16-year old who does not listen to a parent when they are in charge, this is a risk. Why should OP risk her baby’s care just to reach out to a teen? She is perfectly within her right not to. And if DSC is disappointed, she can have her own DCs one day. |
While you may have the exception, an 18 year old who is not responsible, this is not the norm and nothing op has said has indicated this teen is particularly irresponsible.
You're using an exception to prove a point.
Reasonably normal 16 yo who are spending plenty of time with their baby sib will quickly pick up what is necessary.
Op is not risking the baby to "reach out". Op is simply needing to navigate life with teens and not stifle the sibling relationship.
When you consistently give teens babyish controlling rules you will trigger passive aggressive misbehavior - which might be why sdd just keeps pushing on ahead and not obeying. Please, for 80% or more of 16 year olds there is nothing unsafe about pushing a stroller ahead or taking a baby to a different room. Especially their own sibling so they're used to babies in general and specificallythis one. I have never heard of such a concern unless there was a severe delay or attention issue!
Unless op comes back and says this sdd has particular issues (other than loving her new baby) you're example is misplaced.
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amother
Amethyst
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Mon, May 29 2023, 7:30 am
| amother Broom wrote: | No, but this teen isn't an ordinary teen. The baby's mother isn't her own mom but her stepmother, and she's literally trying to take the baby away from its mother.
OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Something's wrong with your stepdaughter. IDK what to tell you, but I think she needs professional help. |
That is indeed what OP is feeling, but it's not necessarily rooted in reality.
Reality is that OP is quite insecure in her role as the baby's mother, and insecure in her role as stepmother (and possibly her relationship with her husband), and therefore views the teen sDD as a competitor to herself. THAT is unhealthy but it is OP's, not sDD's.
It is totally normal for a teen DD to be all over the baby and holding him and helping out and even doing more mothering sometimes than the mother. Were OP to be sDD's bio mom she would probably welcome the help and the extra set of hands with joy and a smile. Because she's not sDD's bio mom she feels threatened by it.
This is something OP needs to work on.
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amother
Amethyst
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Mon, May 29 2023, 7:31 am
| amother Hunter wrote: | Op, while you became a mom, she became a sister!
Just like when totty comes home after a while, and you need to respect that the kids need him too, same with this situation.
The baby will always know you’re the mom! And you will always be there unlike her.
Don’t worry about the baby’s stability.
It’s always better to be loved by more people! Never an issue! |
YES, huge YES to everything but the bolded.
Let's face it, kids IY"H outlive their parents. A loving, stable, warm, sibling relationship is the BEST thing parents can give their children, because parents won't be around forever.
OP please understand that the baby will always know that you are its mother, but the greatest gift you can give sDD and your new baby is the gift of a warm, loving relationship. But you will ruin that relationship if you keep seeing sDD as your competitor.
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giftedmom
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Mon, May 29 2023, 9:24 am
| DVOM wrote: | Very well put, Golde.
First, I don't think you need to worry about dd's behavior being unhealthy. I think teen dd's behavior is totally normal. Nothing op described would worry me. I had 4 boys, a 7 year gap, and then a little girl. My boys are crazy about her, and she's totally in love with them. All the behaviors you've described, I've experienced, including the incredibly annoying hovering and kissing and hand holding while I'm holding the baby. That sort of behavior needs bounderies for sure (some variation of: "dude! I'm suffocating here! Please back up and give me some space!") but it's not worrisome. In fact, seen in a different light, it's beautiful. Sibling relationships are so precious. My sisters are the my closest and dearest friends. I hope and pray for my kids to have that sort of bond with each other.
You don't seem to be seeing the beauty in the love blossoming between your son and daughter, OP. You seem jealous and threatened. I know it's a bit cliche to suggest therapy on this sight, but I do think you could benefit from some insight into your reactions and feelings. You're this baby's mom. No one can take that away from you, no matter who pushes his stoller. I think if you felt more secure and confident in your role as the mom, you'd be able to better celebrate your step daughter's role as your baby's sister without feeling like your toes are getting stepped on. Perhaps there's a part of you that wishes there was no step daughter. I'm guessing sharing your husband and new baby with her is challenging in hundreds of ways. You can love her, and resent her and feel threatened by her at the same time. Therapy might help you work through some of those complicated, beautiful parts of yourself. Work through it now, because it's only going to get more complex as your son grows up.
Now that my daughter is almost 2, she's able to reciprocate my big boys' love for her in the most adorable ways. She was saying some of their names before she said 'mama'. She absolutely prefers playing with them over me. They're sillier and wilder and cooler than I'll ever be. She trundles down the stairs every morning calling "Brothers! Boys! Where are you, brothers?!" and waits at the window for their school bus to come home in the afternoon literally dancing with impatient longing. If they're still in bed when she gets up, she wants to go into their beds for a cuddle, not mine. She wants to hold their hands and sit in their laps, and have them fix her hair and cut up her pizza. Her favorite spot is perched on her 6 foot tall brother's shoulder, holding onto his hair while he mows the lawn or chats with his friends. My boys are patient and playful and so loving towards her. And I haven't even begun to describe her relationship with my husband, so beautiful and precious that I literally tear up watching them together.
None of this is a threat to me. I know I'm her mother, I'm very secure in my role. My love for her provides the safe harbor she needs to sail away from me with confidence in her ability and her worth. And sail away she does, a little more independent and brave and curious every single day. I don't need her to prefer my bedtime stories or to want me to be the one to kiss her little scrapes. My love gives her the deep knowledge of herself that she is precious and lovable, gives her the ability to seek out love from others. It's an absolute joy to see my kids loving and taking care of each other, confident in their worth, their ability to give and receive. There's no such thing as too much love. She has the love of all of us, and none of it is going to waste.
I'm rambling a little. A lot. Sorry, I'm really tired.
You son has your love, a beautiful and precious bond. And he has a loving sister, another beautiful and precious bond. There's no conflict here, or at least, there doesn't have to be. |
Omg… my toddler is a bit younger than yours but yes to every word. Love how you describe it. She has so much love in her life and I’m happy for her.
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amother
OP
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Mon, May 29 2023, 9:26 am
| DVOM wrote: | Very well put, Golde.
First, I don't think you need to worry about dd's behavior being unhealthy. I think teen dd's behavior is totally normal. Nothing op described would worry me. I had 4 boys, a 7 year gap, and then a little girl. My boys are crazy about her, and she's totally in love with them. All the behaviors you've described, I've experienced, including the incredibly annoying hovering and kissing and hand holding while I'm holding the baby. That sort of behavior needs bounderies for sure (some variation of: "dude! I'm suffocating here! Please back up and give me some space!") but it's not worrisome. In fact, seen in a different light, it's beautiful. Sibling relationships are so precious. My sisters are the my closest and dearest friends. I hope and pray for my kids to have that sort of bond with each other.
You don't seem to be seeing the beauty in the love blossoming between your son and daughter, OP. You seem jealous and threatened. I know it's a bit cliche to suggest therapy on this sight, but I do think you could benefit from some insight into your reactions and feelings. You're this baby's mom. No one can take that away from you, no matter who pushes his stoller. I think if you felt more secure and confident in your role as the mom, you'd be able to better celebrate your step daughter's role as your baby's sister without feeling like your toes are getting stepped on. Perhaps there's a part of you that wishes there was no step daughter. I'm guessing sharing your husband and new baby with her is challenging in hundreds of ways. You can love her, and resent her and feel threatened by her at the same time. Therapy might help you work through some of those complicated, beautiful parts of yourself. Work through it now, because it's only going to get more complex as your son grows up.
Now that my daughter is almost 2, she's able to reciprocate my big boys' love for her in the most adorable ways. She was saying some of their names before she said 'mama'. She absolutely prefers playing with them over me. They're sillier and wilder and cooler than I'll ever be. She trundles down the stairs every morning calling "Brothers! Boys! Where are you, brothers?!" and waits at the window for their school bus to come home in the afternoon literally dancing with impatient longing. If they're still in bed when she gets up, she wants to go into their beds for a cuddle, not mine. She wants to hold their hands and sit in their laps, and have them fix her hair and cut up her pizza. Her favorite spot is perched on her 6 foot tall brother's shoulder, holding onto his hair while he mows the lawn or chats with his friends. My boys are patient and playful and so loving towards her. And I haven't even begun to describe her relationship with my husband, so beautiful and precious that I literally tear up watching them together.
None of this is a threat to me. I know I'm her mother, I'm very secure in my role. My love for her provides the safe harbor she needs to sail away from me with confidence in her ability and her worth. And sail away she does, a little more independent and brave and curious every single day. I don't need her to prefer my bedtime stories or to want me to be the one to kiss her little scrapes. My love gives her the deep knowledge of herself that she is precious and lovable, gives her the ability to seek out love from others. It's an absolute joy to see my kids loving and taking care of each other, confident in their worth, their ability to give and receive. There's no such thing as too much love. She has the love of all of us, and none of it is going to waste.
I'm rambling a little. A lot. Sorry, I'm really tired.
You son has your love, a beautiful and precious bond. And he has a loving sister, another beautiful and precious bond. There's no conflict here, or at least, there doesn't have to be. |
Your post was very moving. Really resonated.
To answer above posters. My step daughter is an incredible girl. Responsible and smart and talented and 100% safe with the baby. It's not me worrying about his safety. Rather the idea that it's hard for me in general that she wants him so much when I AlSO want him.
Maybe I'm crazy but I love holding my baby I love taking care of him..but I am understanding the value of the sibling bond and I will work to foster that. Yesterday I handed her the baby and said can you watch him for a minute while I get ready and she was so surprised but also pleased. Made sure to compliment her and point out to baby wow you have best big sister etc ..
I also need to work on my relationship with her I know. I don't love her. I wish I did but I dont. She's a great girl but simply I didn't raise her. Would love recommendations for a step parenting therapist .
The hovering is an issue that still drives me crazy simply because I feel smothered and suffocating. Need to find a good way to resolve..I am very very careful not to say anything to her she might find hurtful.
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giftedmom
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Mon, May 29 2023, 9:33 am
| amother OP wrote: | Your post was very moving. Really resonated.
To answer above posters. My step daughter is an incredible girl. Responsible and smart and talented and 100% safe with the baby. It's not me worrying about his safety. Rather the idea that it's hard for me in general that she wants him so much when I AlSO want him.
Maybe I'm crazy but I love holding my baby I love taking care of him..but I am understanding the value of the sibling bond and I will work to foster that. Yesterday I handed her the baby and said can you watch him for a minute while I get ready and she was so surprised but also pleased. Made sure to compliment her and point out to baby wow you have best big sister etc ..
I also need to work on my relationship with her I know. I don't love her. I wish I did but I dont. She's a great girl but simply I didn't raise her. Would love recommendations for a step parenting therapist .
The hovering is an issue that still drives me crazy simply because I feel smothered and suffocating. Need to find a good way to resolve..I am very very careful not to say anything to her she might find hurtful. |
She’s 16 and you didn’t raise her. I don’t know if you should push the whole “mother” thing on yourself. It might be more helpful to both of you to view her as this amazing wonderful young lady, who is your husbands dd, your child’s sister, and can be a great help, perhaps you can even learn to enjoy her company.
She’s not a little kid anymore who necessarily needs you to enforce rules at this point.
Just my opinion from having close blended family.
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amother
Tiffanyblue
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Mon, May 29 2023, 9:43 am
| amother OP wrote: | Your post was very moving. Really resonated.
To answer above posters. My step daughter is an incredible girl. Responsible and smart and talented and 100% safe with the baby. It's not me worrying about his safety. Rather the idea that it's hard for me in general that she wants him so much when I AlSO want him.
Maybe I'm crazy but I love holding my baby I love taking care of him..but I am understanding the value of the sibling bond and I will work to foster that. Yesterday I handed her the baby and said can you watch him for a minute while I get ready and she was so surprised but also pleased. Made sure to compliment her and point out to baby wow you have best big sister etc ..
I also need to work on my relationship with her I know. I don't love her. I wish I did but I dont. She's a great girl but simply I didn't raise her. Would love recommendations for a step parenting therapist .
The hovering is an issue that still drives me crazy simply because I feel smothered and suffocating. Need to find a good way to resolve..I am very very careful not to say anything to her she might find hurtful. |
Op I have to say I’m very impressed with you. I think you are an amazing mom and step mom , always willing to take advice to get yourself to a better place! Your kids are so lucky to have you.
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kollel_wife
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Mon, May 29 2023, 10:22 am
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Something within your description doesn't seem like healthy behavior. I have nine kids and they all adored the babies. She seems almost like trying to protect the baby, since she wasn't protected from stress or trauma, she wants to try to keep the baby safe. Am I the only one who sees that in your description.
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amother
Kiwi
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Mon, May 29 2023, 10:26 am
Good for you Op!
I am really moved and impressed by your honesty and openness..
May Hashem Bentch you with much hatzlocha joy abundant brochos and naches from all your children and family!
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Iymnok
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Mon, May 29 2023, 10:32 am
OP, just keep giving the baby to her to watch. It helps you and your relationship. More hands for the baby is a good thing.
Anything to show your trust in your dsd is worth it.
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BH Yom Yom
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Mon, May 29 2023, 10:33 am
| DVOM wrote: | Very well put, Golde.
First, I don't think you need to worry about dd's behavior being unhealthy. I think teen dd's behavior is totally normal. Nothing op described would worry me. I had 4 boys, a 7 year gap, and then a little girl. My boys are crazy about her, and she's totally in love with them. All the behaviors you've described, I've experienced, including the incredibly annoying hovering and kissing and hand holding while I'm holding the baby. That sort of behavior needs bounderies for sure (some variation of: "dude! I'm suffocating here! Please back up and give me some space!") but it's not worrisome. In fact, seen in a different light, it's beautiful. Sibling relationships are so precious. My sisters are the my closest and dearest friends. I hope and pray for my kids to have that sort of bond with each other.
You don't seem to be seeing the beauty in the love blossoming between your son and daughter, OP. You seem jealous and threatened. I know it's a bit cliche to suggest therapy on this sight, but I do think you could benefit from some insight into your reactions and feelings. You're this baby's mom. No one can take that away from you, no matter who pushes his stoller. I think if you felt more secure and confident in your role as the mom, you'd be able to better celebrate your step daughter's role as your baby's sister without feeling like your toes are getting stepped on. Perhaps there's a part of you that wishes there was no step daughter. I'm guessing sharing your husband and new baby with her is challenging in hundreds of ways. You can love her, and resent her and feel threatened by her at the same time. Therapy might help you work through some of those complicated, beautiful parts of yourself. Work through it now, because it's only going to get more complex as your son grows up.
Now that my daughter is almost 2, she's able to reciprocate my big boys' love for her in the most adorable ways. She was saying some of their names before she said 'mama'. She absolutely prefers playing with them over me. They're sillier and wilder and cooler than I'll ever be. She trundles down the stairs every morning calling "Brothers! Boys! Where are you, brothers?!" and waits at the window for their school bus to come home in the afternoon literally dancing with impatient longing. If they're still in bed when she gets up, she wants to go into their beds for a cuddle, not mine. She wants to hold their hands and sit in their laps, and have them fix her hair and cut up her pizza. Her favorite spot is perched on her 6 foot tall brother's shoulder, holding onto his hair while he mows the lawn or chats with his friends. My boys are patient and playful and so loving towards her. And I haven't even begun to describe her relationship with my husband, so beautiful and precious that I literally tear up watching them together.
None of this is a threat to me. I know I'm her mother, I'm very secure in my role. My love for her provides the safe harbor she needs to sail away from me with confidence in her ability and her worth. And sail away she does, a little more independent and brave and curious every single day. I don't need her to prefer my bedtime stories or to want me to be the one to kiss her little scrapes. My love gives her the deep knowledge of herself that she is precious and lovable, gives her the ability to seek out love from others. It's an absolute joy to see my kids loving and taking care of each other, confident in their worth, their ability to give and receive. There's no such thing as too much love. She has the love of all of us, and none of it is going to waste.
I'm rambling a little. A lot. Sorry, I'm really tired.
You son has your love, a beautiful and precious bond. And he has a loving sister, another beautiful and precious bond. There's no conflict here, or at least, there doesn't have to be. |
What a beautiful post! Your children are truly fortunate.
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keym
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Mon, May 29 2023, 11:04 am
| kollel_wife wrote: | | Something within your description doesn't seem like healthy behavior. I have nine kids and they all adored the babies. She seems almost like trying to protect the baby, since she wasn't protected from stress or trauma, she wants to try to keep the baby safe. Am I the only one who sees that in your description. |
I see a teenager who feels rootless and drifting.
She isn't being raised by her mother. For whatever reason, probably feels somewhat abandoned.
OP doesn't mention her husband much in this picture.
OP tries but admitted she currently doesn't love DSD.
That's a very lonely place for a vulnerable teen.
And complicated to explain to herself, to her friends.
Then here comes this baby. It's step-daughters blood relative. A real brother. That's a link within this family, an identity. Being a sister is easy to define.
She strikes me as trying to latch onto that relationship and identity because she doesn't have any other.
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amother
Peony
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Mon, May 29 2023, 11:17 am
| keym wrote: | I see a teenager who feels rootless and drifting.
She isn't being raised by her mother. For whatever reason, probably feels somewhat abandoned.
OP doesn't mention her husband much in this picture.
OP tries but admitted she currently doesn't love DSD.
That's a very lonely place for a vulnerable teen.
And complicated to explain to herself, to her friends.
Then here comes this baby. It's step-daughters blood relative. A real brother. That's a link within this family, an identity. Being a sister is easy to define.
She strikes me as trying to latch onto that relationship and identity because she doesn't have any other. |
Also, it sounds like it's part of the power struggle.
She was surprised that OP offered the baby to her which means that she also usually gets the feeling that OP doesn't want her to look after him. And that turns it into an unhealthy dynamic.
But, OP I want to commend you for being really honest with your yourself and for pushing out of your comfort zone to make this situation better for everyone. It sounds really hard and you're really trying to do the right thing. You are a true inspiration.
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amother
Canary
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Mon, May 29 2023, 11:17 am
| Quote: | | Would love recommendations for a step parenting therapist . |
I would suggest https://www.linkedin.com/in/sh.....1a738 - don't know where you are located or how she even structures her practice for private patients (was never a patient of hers) but I do know she has experience in this area.
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crust
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Mon, May 29 2023, 11:20 am
| DVOM wrote: | Very well put, Golde.
First, I don't think you need to worry about dd's behavior being unhealthy. I think teen dd's behavior is totally normal. Nothing op described would worry me. I had 4 boys, a 7 year gap, and then a little girl. My boys are crazy about her, and she's totally in love with them. All the behaviors you've described, I've experienced, including the incredibly annoying hovering and kissing and hand holding while I'm holding the baby. That sort of behavior needs bounderies for sure (some variation of: "dude! I'm suffocating here! Please back up and give me some space!") but it's not worrisome. In fact, seen in a different light, it's beautiful. Sibling relationships are so precious. My sisters are the my closest and dearest friends. I hope and pray for my kids to have that sort of bond with each other.
You don't seem to be seeing the beauty in the love blossoming between your son and daughter, OP. You seem jealous and threatened. I know it's a bit cliche to suggest therapy on this sight, but I do think you could benefit from some insight into your reactions and feelings. You're this baby's mom. No one can take that away from you, no matter who pushes his stoller. I think if you felt more secure and confident in your role as the mom, you'd be able to better celebrate your step daughter's role as your baby's sister without feeling like your toes are getting stepped on. Perhaps there's a part of you that wishes there was no step daughter. I'm guessing sharing your husband and new baby with her is challenging in hundreds of ways. You can love her, and resent her and feel threatened by her at the same time. Therapy might help you work through some of those complicated, beautiful parts of yourself. Work through it now, because it's only going to get more complex as your son grows up.
Now that my daughter is almost 2, she's able to reciprocate my big boys' love for her in the most adorable ways. She was saying some of their names before she said 'mama'. She absolutely prefers playing with them over me. They're sillier and wilder and cooler than I'll ever be. She trundles down the stairs every morning calling "Brothers! Boys! Where are you, brothers?!" and waits at the window for their school bus to come home in the afternoon literally dancing with impatient longing. If they're still in bed when she gets up, she wants to go into their beds for a cuddle, not mine. She wants to hold their hands and sit in their laps, and have them fix her hair and cut up her pizza. Her favorite spot is perched on her 6 foot tall brother's shoulder, holding onto his hair while he mows the lawn or chats with his friends. My boys are patient and playful and so loving towards her. And I haven't even begun to describe her relationship with my husband, so beautiful and precious that I literally tear up watching them together.
None of this is a threat to me. I know I'm her mother, I'm very secure in my role. My love for her provides the safe harbor she needs to sail away from me with confidence in her ability and her worth. And sail away she does, a little more independent and brave and curious every single day. I don't need her to prefer my bedtime stories or to want me to be the one to kiss her little scrapes. My love gives her the deep knowledge of herself that she is precious and lovable, gives her the ability to seek out love from others. It's an absolute joy to see my kids loving and taking care of each other, confident in their worth, their ability to give and receive. There's no such thing as too much love. She has the love of all of us, and none of it is going to waste.
I'm rambling a little. A lot. Sorry, I'm really tired.
You son has your love, a beautiful and precious bond. And he has a loving sister, another beautiful and precious bond. There's no conflict here, or at least, there doesn't have to be. |
First of all DVOM, in my brain the image of your 4 boys, one of them going to shul dressed up as spider man, is still very alive.
I wasn't aware that there's a girl in the mix! Now I'll have to unpin that image.
Mazel tov!
OP first of all I am so happy for you that she loves this child. Imagine it would be the opposite way around.
I really can't see anything wrong with the setup. Your child is getting double love. Love is never too much!
It is ok to be attached to more than one person.
I don't see how boundaries are going to be helpful. It will only enhance the power struggle.
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keym
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Mon, May 29 2023, 11:26 am
| amother Peony wrote: | Also, it sounds like it's part of the power struggle.
She was surprised that OP offered the baby to her which means that she also usually gets the feeling that OP doesn't want her to look after him. And that turns it into an unhealthy dynamic.
But, OP I want to commend you for being really honest with your yourself and for pushing out of your comfort zone to make this situation better for everyone. It sounds really hard and you're really trying to do the right thing. You are a true inspiration. |
Yes.
OP it would seem to me that the more you solidify her position as "the very loved, very responsible older sister" the more she can respect your position as "babys mom".
Give her time with baby, specific jobs. You can benefit.
Maybe taking a walk every day after school for 1/2 hour (so you can get supper done) and Shabbos afternoon for 1 1/2 hours so you can get a nap.
I don't know exactly what works. But if you give specific "big sister time" that you deliberately control yourself from hovering, then after you can say something about how I gave you alone time, now it's my alone time.
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amother
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Mon, May 29 2023, 11:44 am
As a fellow stepmother with an older daughter, she's younger by a few years. I relate to everything you are saying.
It is so hard.
For all those saying it's normal or the OP is reading into it, please remember, unless you have been a parent in a blended family situation, you will not understand.
I remember as a high school teacher, judging certain parents, stepmothers etc.
Until I became a stepmother.
My daughter treats the two youngest (my bio kids) as her possessions. Yes, from the outside it looks like care and concern, a bit of obsessiveness and worry. Yes, she loves them and they love her but even her therapist noticed that this is not typical or healthy.
I have no clue her background, she may have been parentified, spousified or given a lot of responsibility as a young child, but your baby should not be her therapy tool.
She needs a good therapist (as do you and your husband - for me it's a non negotiable) and you need to set clear boundaries.
Yes, she's not a child, and she shouldn't be treated as one but she may never have had loving, clear, firm boundaries in her life.
Since she's older you may want to give her more responsibilities with the baby but only what you are comfortable with.
There is nothing wrong with saying, please go out of the baby's room while he's sleeping.
If she is mature and you have a good relationship, you may want to discuss things with her, and explain, but you don't have to.
You are your baby's mother.
You are the captain of the home.
I know it's difficult, I felt threatened by my daughter when she was 8 ( for good reason) and it doesn't get easier.
With good therapy and communication, it can get much much better
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Hashem_Yaazor
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Mon, May 29 2023, 12:19 pm
Leaving the baby and the family aside, I do want to point out that in general teenagers have a tendency to obsess and go overboard in their feelings about people. Whether it's a peer or a teacher or a babysitting charge, or yes even a boy they see around, everything gets romanticized (or dramatically crumbled to pieces if their dreams are shattered) in their mind.
So she might be a very healthy sister to the baby and just be applying normal teenage tendencies in this context as well so there are 2 things layered on top of each other.
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amother
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Mon, May 29 2023, 2:09 pm
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I think she’s looking to have a relationship with you (op) as well . Can you spend some time with her without the baby ? Possibly she also needs hugs, physical contact ? Where is her father in all of this ?
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